What is the expected etiquette for after a funeral?

ChasingtheWelshdream

We are expecting only a few people for a funeral we are organising (15, maybe 20 at a push) and are wondering what the etiquette is for afterwards? We can either have people back to their house  for some tea and sandwiches, but this feels a little intrusive to be honest. Also the house doesn't really have the space/facilities for everyone to sit and talk in comfort as they were rather reclusive and rarely had visitors. Or we could look at going to a pub/restaurant, but we can't really afford to pay for everyone to eat.

I have seen a local carvery offers a buffet but they need numbers. We don't really want to ask people to confirm if they are coming to the funeral as we don't want to put pressure on anyone to feel they have to commit. Also, without being insensitive, we don't really want to have to spend hours afterwards 'entertaining' people, most of whom we don't really know.

Is there a consensus for what guests would expect to happen? 

TheSpectator

It matters not what those attending want or expect, it's what the family want and what would the deceased have wanted.

DullGreyGuy

ChasingtheWelshdream said:

We are expecting only a few people for a funeral we are organising (15, maybe 20 at a push) and are wondering what the etiquette is for afterwards? We can either have people back to their house  for some tea and sandwiches, but this feels a little intrusive to be honest. Also the house doesn't really have the space/facilities for everyone to sit and talk in comfort as they were rather reclusive and rarely had visitors. Or we could look at going to a pub/restaurant, but we can't really afford to pay for everyone to eat.

I have seen a local carvery offers a buffet but they need numbers. We don't really want to ask people to confirm if they are coming to the funeral as we don't want to put pressure on anyone to feel they have to commit. Also, without being insensitive, we don't really want to have to spend hours afterwards 'entertaining' people, most of whom we don't really know.

Is there a consensus for what guests would expect to happen? 

Traditions vary by backgrounds and families. 

Have been to two funerals in recent years. Once an uncle and we went back to his daughters house after which had a buffet and drinks (alcoholic and non-alcoholic). One a friend with everyone going to the pub afterwards which had a free buffet but people were buying their own drinks. The family of the deceased did buy some people a drink or two but not the majority.

It somewhat depends on how everyone knows each other or not on if people will want to hang out or not. A few years ago our boss died, we hadn't known him for long but had been working very closely in the time we had. We went to the funeral but decided not to go to the event after.

Skiddaw1

I'd go for a finger buffet for 15. Not everyone will attend the 'bun fight' (as my mum always called the post-funeral event ). Stick with sandwiches, etc, rather than anything hot/more complicated. I'd also make sure that tea and coffee are available (not everyone will want alcohol).

ChasingtheWelshdream

We (closest family) do not really want a fuss and to remain as private as possible, and our relative wasn't one for socialising. However they - and hence any potential mourners -  were of the generation that expects things to be 'done properly'. We don't want to be judged for not giving a proper send-off, but neither do we want things to feel 'false' if that makes sense? We have so far just given the information to those that have asked, with no expectation to come. Some that have asked, we are rather surprised about, but don't feel we can dictate who can and can't attend. 

Ideally we would purely have the service and then only those that we know and are comfortable come back for a chat. But that also seems churlish to exclude those who have expressed a wish to attend for their own reasons. 

I wondered if it would seem odd to ask if the local pub would be willing to offer trays of tea/coffee so anyone can pop in if they would like to chat, but without the pressure of having to stay for food?

Flugelhorn

ChasingtheWelshdream said:

I wondered if it would seem odd to ask if the local pub would be willing to offer trays of tea/coffee so anyone can pop in if they would like to chat, but without the pressure of having to stay for food?

I had no clue how many were going to turn up at a funeral I arranged, local pub were used to this and we took a guess at 30 coming back to the pub, they set a price for sandwiches / tea / coffee / cake and our own room - they were happy to provide more if more turned up but set a minimum cost (all worked out fine)

user1977

I would expect the undertakers would know of likely local venues?

Sarahspangles

A finger buffet in a private room in a pub gives you flexibility for a small gathering. Pubs often know private caterers, or the undertaker. You can provide a drink and then switch to tea and coffee, those who want to drink more can go to the bar. At the end if there’s food left the pub’s other customers can ‘help’. 

FlorayG

Numbers are difficult. I remember about the same number of people at my mom's wake as were at her funeral, but about half were different people; if everyone from the funeral had come as well the house would have been jammed. Some people can't cope with funerals but want to be at the 'send off'.
My mom loved a cocktail in the evening so I just had the makings of cocktails ( alcohol and non) and made everyone drinks. Mom would have appreciated that. Do whatever feels right for you

ChasingtheWelshdream

Thank you, the pubs closest to the crematorium are fully booked (which I thought was quite funny to be honest!).

There is a Toby Carvery near to where they live that does a buffet for £9.99 per head so that could be an option, but it is knowing the numbers that I am struggling with. Weirdly, we are more concerned that we were to book a room for say 15 and only 5 were to come back that would make things feel awkward and rather sad.

That, and that all we would really want to do is go back and hide away, but feel we can't. 

 I am edging towards the idea of having it booked elsewhere and going back to the house on our own, rather than have to 'put on a show' at the house and play hostess. 

Thank you all, it has given us something to think about. 

Username03725

Assume that most but not all will come back to the house, then lay on a sandwiches & snacks buffet. Morrisons do a range that's cost effective. Have enough tea coffee & milk (and cups) and you're done. 

You're providing light refreshments, not a full on meal.