A Lifetime of Debt - F, 40s, autistic, parent, professional

Cherryfudge

I'm sorry to hear about your mother in law, I hope she is back to good health soon. What a worrying time for you all, and you could do without the extra stress of juggling child care.

That's very odd about the freelance work. Perhaps it's a matter of personal opinion, or they just spotted one thing they didn't agree with and that coloured their judgement? 

thelibrarian11

No they just aren't very good and can't communicate what they want me to do very clearly, so of course I can't understand because I'm autistic, and they think me asking for clarification is confrontation. The other places are crystal clear good communicators and like it when I ask for clarification so I have no problems. I'd quit if I wasn't absolutely determined to be in that exact organisation, so I'm going to stick around and be awkward, but they probably won't send me much work.

thelibrarian11

Just a little note that I kicked up a fuss about that vague work communication, eventually got them to tell me what they want properly, then did some more work for them and got perfect feedback. I also managed to show them up a bit because they were very slow responding and couldn't answer some Qs I asked at all, so I managed to come out looking like it's them not me. Also my MiL is doing really good, progressing slowly and looks likely to make a full recovery.

thelibrarian11

More news, I have been issued a late payment of self assessment tax fine. On the phone he said he couldn't say when or whether that would be applied when I reduced my payments, but paying a little bit would probably help them take longer to do it. They must have issued it the same day I called them. I can clear it to avoid further fines but that HMRC debt is still sitting there, and we're about to end this tax year so I'll get another one that I can't clear either. All part of the cycle that I can't seem to get out of I'm afraid, the debt feels very big today.

This week I've been at a conference where I stayed in a 4 star hotel and had all these networking conversations with very middle class people, then came back to my very shabby house that makes me feel sad and I don't have the money to do anything about. The debt and my lifestyle too feels very big and impossible to overcome today, I've still got so far to go despite working so hard for so long already.

Cherryfudge

That sounds like a miserable homecoming, but take a look at your signature: you are heading for a quarter paid off already! So chin up, you are doing well and all those people you were networking with have troubles of their own that just aren't on view.

thelibrarian11

I just calculated my self assessment tax return for the last year, and it's half the amount I owed for last year. I know what I'm doing this time, I've hovered below thresholds and I know what trading allowance is etc. It will add 3k to my overall debt but I'll leave that until it's due next Jan. It was about 7k last year, I earned so much and had to pay back child benefit and all sorts.
I'm getting there. It's such slow progress which is so frustrating. My job is all slow paced very big goals as well, I would love to experience some clear wins and smaller incremental achievements for once, I really need that right now.

thelibrarian11

Some good news, my mother in law is coming home from hospital tomorrow. 
I also got onboarded with a new freelance company but they were pretty sure there would be no work for me there for a few months and I'm just on their books.

thelibrarian11

I spoke to Business Debtline today, to talk about negotiating a new payment plan with HMRC (I had one and stopped it in April as I was hoping to cover birthday presents with freelance work, but none has showed up). I've been sort of ignoring it really, hoping I can time it right until after my kid's birthdays or my freelance work picks up again. I decided today was the day.

What I am finding really really hard after this is the suggestion that I have a little word with my kids and tell them there will be less birthday and christmas presents this year while I clear it. I'm very upset. They suggested the amount I want to spend isn't unreasonable, but for someone in my situation it's too much. This has hit me really hard, I'm not like normal people because of what I've done to myself with all this.

It's not the first time I've struggled to pay for presents, and we've had many years were we've gone without holidays. Often I've covered presents with credit so they still have something. I'm really upset that we're still here though, and I'm going to have to tell them I'm in tax debt and I can't afford all the things they want. It's humiliating.

I feel like I've let them down, and like I've worked really hard and my efforts have just made everything worse, because that's what I do best. I feel like the worst Mum. My husband is being very cold as well, he always is, he can’t stand people having emotions in his presence. Of course this makes me feel even worse, but not much I can do about that.

It feels like it's never going to end, I've been in this position for 20 years now and there's no way out. When I try to get out it's made it worse, I've just got a tax debt instead of unsecured debt. I feel trapped forever. I'm trying to stay positive in that I can pay this debt off and it is perfectly possible I'll get out of this permanently. Lots of other kids live like this, we do know a family who can't afford presents ever, but I have worked so so hard to not be like that and it's not worked. I feel so useless.

Cherryfudge

I'm sorry you're feeling like this, it's quite understandable but try to bear in mind presents aren't compulsory, and if given, don't have to be big. As a  Mum, you're providing for your kids - giving them family, a home, safety and security, food, a listening ear, a sense of being valued... all of those sound trite but actually are giving them a solid start in life and if you turn it round and think of how they would be without these things, you'll see how truly important they are.

I think that if you feel the conversation needs to be had, then have it sooner rather than later. Depending on their ages, though, can you get away with not having it, or making it as light as possible? 'Sweetie, there's not as much money around this year, so I'm afraid there won't be any big birthday presents, but it's your day so why don't we...' (insert treat of choice here, whether that's 'make you princess for the day', have a pizza, popcorn and movie night, have a sleepover etc.)

It must be so hard when you've worked and worked, that it's come to this situation, but it's not about being useless. After all, without your efforts, the situation could be so much worse and by your efforts, you've prevented that from happening.