A Lifetime of Debt - F, 40s, autistic, parent, professional

ManyWays

I just wanted to mention 2 things that you may not know.

MSE has 2 excellent tools that may help you or your husband to reclaim some money that was paid in commission on this and any previous cars, including any that were written off. Start with this one for any cars where the finance started before January 2021 https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/reclaim/reclaim-car-finance/. And then use this one for your current cars and anywhere the previous tool doesnt work https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/reclaim/car-finance-undeclared-commission/. These will both be really slow, no money likely this year, and may not work but its easy and free to do so kick them off now if you havent already.

Also your list of debts had some which had been sold to debt collectors eg Lowell, Link, Arrow, Cabot. You can ask the debt collector to produce the CCA agreement for these if the original debt was a card, loan, catalogue or car finance (not overdrafts or utilities). If they cant then the debt is unenforceable in court and you can just stop paying, see https://nationaldebtline.org/get-information/guides/credit-agreements-getting-information-ew/. If you want to chat about this the other DFW board is the best place https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/categories/debt-free-wannabe

vampirotoothus

Hi I think that you found that having saved for Christmas as well as your emergency fund that you could enjoy it without worrying. So the thing to do now is the pay the absolute minimum you can get away with on the debts and then create pots for all the other things you want to save for, like new furnishings, maybe a deposit fund in case you move and birthdays. Also a pot so you can offer full and finals to your creditors as they are often heavily discounted. You have got this, good luck V x

thelibrarian11

Yep this is the plan. I'm just wondering - how long until that 'not worrying' state is permanent and gone for good? Will I always worry because of how it's been for me? Will I ever look around and just relax and enjoy things?

thelibrarian11

Unfortunately, I've worried myself into a little hole and I'm struggling with it right now. I wasn't sure where else to get this off my chest - my husband just sits round on his XBox saying there's nothing to worry about and I daren't tell anyone else.

I've not had much freelance work since the new year. I let my husband talk me into booking a holiday for June, that needs to be paid off in April, and he's told the entire world about it. I haven't paid anything off it except the deposit. I also need money put aside for the kids birthdays which are early summer too. With the freelance bookings I've got, I can't afford any of that, and I'm worrying.

I know all of this is stupid, I shouldn't have booked the holiday and I shouldn't rely on freelance income that I haven't earned yet. I don't know what to say about all that or why it's always like this for me. I'm autistic, that's all I can think of. My husband is an absolute liability, maybe it's that.

I need about £4000 for it all. I've got, with my savings and my upcoming freelance, about half of that. I don't know where the other half will come from. Unless a miracle happens and I suddenly get freelance work for £2000 I don't know what to do. It's perfectly possible that I will and it's unusual that I haven't had this work come in, but it's always the risk with freelance isn't it.

I've worried myself into a little hole, wondering why I've spent so long building my skills and working so hard just to constantly be in this position. My brain won't turn off, I'm thinking about ways I can increase my income in a regular way rather than freelance so this never happens again, and I can't find one. I feel all alone in it, honestly my husband does not have a care in the world, happy as a pig in poo earning minimum wage and that's making it all so much worse.

We'll end up cancelling the holiday and losing the deposit, I just know it, or begging family for a loan that we can never actually pay back. I'll be so embarrassed because he's told all our family and neighbours and everyone was so happy that we'd finally got our act together to go, and the kids will be absolutely heartbroken. I'm really struggling with some resentment right now, and as you can probably tell from how my thoughts are now running away to absolute disaster, some serious anxiety. I've recently been prescribed beta blockers for when I get really stressed.

I know here is for practical advice not mental health support, so I think you might say that there is a way out. Cancelling a holiday with everyone knowing and letting the kids down so bad is not the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I am capable of facing that. I don't know, I just wondered if you had anything else that might help.

in_need_of_direction

Why is this your problem as opposed to a joint one? What can your husband do to help.

thelibrarian11

He's just like, well we'll borrow off our family or cancel, easy. What about letting the kids down? What about his low income? What about more debt? It doesn't even register. He also is under the impression everyone else is living like this and it's all normal.

He definitely thinks I'm just a bit nuts because I'm having feelings as well, when those are clearly our options and that's that. Maybe I need talking therapy again.

pleataring

Perhaps you should contact free financial advisers or charities that specialise in debt management? They can help you create a realistic debt repayment plan and find affordable support options. I think you could benefit from this

thelibrarian11

I've done all that with debts, I first contact StepChange more than 10 years ago. Honestly, listening/reading back on myself I think I need some more mental health help, I just need to cry to someone about how hard all this is, someone who will be nice back.

in_need_of_direction

i used to have a husband just like yours, he was a fan of the big gesture towards others.  It got to the point where my mental health was really bad (as were my weight and levels of debt) but i wouldn't seek help as a diagnosis and associated medication / treatment allowed him to say that my views weren't valid as i was mad.

no one needs to live like that.  take care.  we're all here as people you can cry to, most of us have been in similar bad spots to where you are though maybe not with all your challenges at once.

mitch2509

Hi

have you thought about marriage counselling because you are not definitely not on the same page and need some help. Maybe he will see the bigger picture then

Anxiety is the pits and makes you question everything be kind to yourself x