So very cross with my best friend. Am I over thinking?

swingaloo

2 days ago my brother died. It was very sudden and unexpected. He lived alone and we were alerted by a neighbour who rang to say his curtains had not been opened and he was not answering the door.
Obviously all the extended family were contacted and informed and I also rang some mutual friends to let them know. 

I am not one of those people who has to have everything on Facebook, I do use it but it's mostly to keep in touch with family who live away and old friends. I'm not one of those who has 1031 people on their friends list. I have 39! 
Nor am I one of those who loves the 'So sorry Hun' attention. In fact I hate being called 'Hun'. 
Nothing about my brothers death was put on my Facebook page, those who need to know have been informed.

I have a close friend who has been a friend for over 50 years. She knows my brother but has only met him a handful of times. 

Today I see that she has posted on Facebook that she is 'Devastated to have lost a close friend who is also the brother of one of her lifelong friends and that 'He died suddenly and family were alerted by  neighbour but as yet she has no more details'  Added to this were several crying emojis and the hope that he would be joining his mum and dad in heaven! which I found uncalled for, she is very religious, our family are not and I don't believe all this 'meeting in the ever after' stuff.

She has a long list of 'So sorry Hun, Thinking of you, sending hugs, stay strong, etc, etc. and is replying to them all saying she will be ok once she comes to terms with the shock and thanking everyone for their prayers and posting 'broken heart' emojis.
This is probably the wrong way to express it but its like she is basking in the sympathy when she hardly knew him. She hasn't seen him for years and could pass him in the street and not recognise him.

I'm so flaming mad that she has taken it on herself to firstly put something which is personal to our family on Facebook and secondly that she is revelling in the attention when she has no reason at all to be upset at his death. 

I saw red and thought of posting on her page 'Oh sorry, K+++++++ didn't know you had had a bereavement. Who has died?; but my hubby stopped me. 

He said to either call her and say you would like the post taking down or to let it go but I'm really angry about it. Im just struggling to find it acceptable to do what she has done but as I'm also upset I wonder if I am over thinking it.

Flugelhorn

I am really sorry to hear that you have lost your brother in such circumstances.  I understand about the oversharing on FB etc - a bit too much sometimes.

Did occur to me - did your friend actually know your brother rather better than you realised?? 

PS I would be so tempted to put the post that you suggested - I don't think you can let this go - is she going to be the ultimate centre of attention at the funeral etc?? 

oldernonethewiser

Let it go.  You have more important things to concern yourself with.

Don't mention it to her and don't discuss anything to do with your brother's death with her.

Once starved of information she will move on to something/someone else.

AskAsk

Sorry to hear about your brother's death.  Does sound a bit strange that she posted that when she didn't know him.  It would have made more sense to say that she was sad for you rather than she being sad for his death. 

On the face of it, it does sound like a post to get attention.  Is she that sort of person? 

I would contact her directly and ask that she take the post down as it is a personal matter and you don't want it to become a public matter. 

I do feel sad when an acquaintance dies so maybe she may feel sad even though she doesn't know him well, but that he is a close relation of yours so she feels more emotional about it.  I also feel sad when a well known person dies even if I didn't know them.

swingaloo

Flugelhorn said:

I am really sorry to hear that you have lost your brother in such circumstances.  I understand about the oversharing on FB etc - a bit too much sometimes.

Did occur to me - did your friend actually know your brother rather better than you realised?? 

PS I would be so tempted to put the post that you suggested - I don't think you can let this go - is she going to be the ultimate centre of attention at the funeral etc?? 

Thanks for the reply. She definitely didn't know him better than I think. Too be honest she wont even be at  the funeral. She lives about 80 miles from us and wasn't considered a close friend of all of us.   Even though she is known to the family its because in our teens we were in and out of each others houses but my brother had already married and ,moved away. I have stayed in contact with her and we meet up perhaps 3 or 4 times a year. The first time she met my brother was at my wedding in 1976 and has apart from my sisters wedding and one of my birthday parties I cant think when they would ever have met. They were not connected on Facebook so why the 'death of a close friend' bit is baffling.

Hoenir

swingaloo said:

They were not connected on Facebook so why the 'death of a close friend' bit is baffling.

Knowing someone for the best part of 50 years is a long time. People are full of secrets. Events they keep to themselves. People don't need to be connected to be close friends. Personally I have zero time for FB. Never felt the need like the majority of my close friends. 

oldernonethewiser

swingaloo said:

Flugelhorn said:

I am really sorry to hear that you have lost your brother in such circumstances.  I understand about the oversharing on FB etc - a bit too much sometimes.

Did occur to me - did your friend actually know your brother rather better than you realised?? 

PS I would be so tempted to put the post that you suggested - I don't think you can let this go - is she going to be the ultimate centre of attention at the funeral etc?? 

Thanks for the reply. She definitely didn't know him better than I think. Too be honest she wont even be at  the funeral. She lives about 80 miles from us and wasn't considered a close friend of all of us.   Even though she is known to the family its because in our teens we were in and out of each others houses but my brother had already married and ,moved away. I have stayed in contact with her and we meet up perhaps 3 or 4 times a year. The first time she met my brother was at my wedding in 1976 and has apart from my sisters wedding and one of my birthday parties I cant think when they would ever have met. They were not connected on Facebook so why the 'death of a close friend' bit is baffling.

Attention seeking.

To make sure it is "all about me, so the sympathy comes my way."

I have a relative who acts like this.

silvercar

When I lost my father, I was livid that one of my neighbours wrote on my Facebook wall a long message. She was a new neighbour that I hardly new and had never even met my father. Luckily it was on my FB wall so I could remove it. I definitely was more upset than I should have been due to the timing. 

I then put a post upon my wall, visible only to FB friends, “This is [my OH]. ‘Silvercar’ asks that people don’t post on Facebook at this time. Please private message only”. That seemed to do the trick. I doubt anyone would be so uncaring as to post publicly when you have specifically asked people not to.

oldernonethewiser

silvercar said:

When I lost my father, I was livid that one of my neighbours wrote on my Facebook wall a long message. She was a new neighbour that I hardly new and had never even met my father. Luckily it was on my FB wall so I could remove it. I definitely was more upset than I should have been due to the timing. 

I then put a post upon my wall, visible only to FB friends, “This is [my OH]. ‘Silvercar’ asks that people don’t post on Facebook at this time. Please private message only”. That seemed to do the trick. I doubt anyone would be so uncaring as to post publicly when you have specifically asked people not to.

Never doubt the stupidty or disregard of others for simple requests.

Brie

I'd send her a private message and say that you find her post inappropriate and for privacy for the family to please take it down.  If she gets in a huff at you for this I'm not sure it would be that great a loss to no longer have her as a "friend".  If she comes back with a good reason (ex ball room dancing or secret croquet club partners?) then fine perhaps.  

Sorry for your loss.  Never easy even when it's expected.

njkmr

I would just ignore it.
you need to deal with your loss at this time and not be distracted by others.
You won't know her reasons and they don't really matter.
Stay strong and condolences for your loss.