Regret buying house or just irrational thinking?

Sim1N

Hello, I have no idea if this is the right place for this but I see some older threads similar and need to vent some of my feelings as I feel like I’m going mad and need some prospective.

 We got the keys to our first house on Friday and my partner said he immediately regretted buying the house and had a bit of a breakdown, meanwhile I tried to stay positive. We knew when we viewed the house that it was very run down and needed some work but it was manageable. Not where there’s holes in the walls and caved in ceilings run down, but filthy and unkept (unfortunately the people we bought off were very unclean people and it appeared they hadn’t maintained or cleaned the property in many years).

 We had a level 2 survey, which flagged up usual stuff for a house of this age (built mid 50s) but it was valued at the offer price. We just walked in on Friday and just felt an instant feeling of “what the hell have we done”. The house seemed dirtier, more run down and overwhelming. When you have the time and are able to do things you can’t do on a viewing like testing the utilities and opening the kitchen cupboard doors and so on, just felt like the amount of work and the details you may not have worried about before become so much more apparent.

My partner immediately wanted to put the house back up for sale, we then came around to the idea of it again and got motivated and somewhat excited to get stuck in, but now have completely lost that feeling again in the space of a couple of days.

I just don’t know if this is normal. We knew it needed quite a bit of work and even discussed full window and door replacement and kitchen replacement after the viewing. But now it just feels too much to even clean and decorate it and we are struggling.

 It doesn’t help that the toilet had a flushing issue which we were not aware of and we got a “plumber”(I use that term loosely) today and got ripped off. He was a very strange unprofessional inappropriate person and we now might need to replace the toilet completely as he has messed it up so bad just trying to replace a push button mechanism. I don’t know if this plumber has caused me to feel worse, as now I am scared to even get any tradespeople in, as I’m am scared they will all do this to us. I feel like things will just keep going wrong for us. We have saved for over 7 years to get our 10% deposit together and are 36 and 37 years old and only just managed to get on the property ladder.

It’s too late to reverse the purchase obviously and we just don’t know what to do. I just feel overwhelmed, confused, emotional and sick to the stomach. I am panicking that there is going to be a major issue that we just don’t have the money to fix. My partner and I both have anxiety issues as it is and this has just made us feel worse than ever. I thought getting the keys to your first home was supposed to be an exciting amazing day… not what feels like the worst most regretful day.

I am paranoid that the electrics are faulty and will set the house on fire, I am paranoid the gas will leak or a major pipe will burst, I am paranoid that we will get broken in to or attacked in the house. I am paranoid about actually moving in and moving our cats in too. I just feel like I am going crazy hence being awake feeling sick at 3.30am!

I am sorry for the long post, but can anyone relate to what I’m going though? Have we made the worst most expensive decision of our lives? We have wanted to be homeowners for years and now we are finally here, we feel like we should have just kept renting. Will we just get every trade that comes in cause more damage to the house and tell us that we have loads of other issues that need fixing? Will we ever get over this feeling?

BungalowBel

As regards the trades, get word-of-mouth recommendations, then you can se jobs they have done and know a bit about them before you ask them in.

I think the feeling that you don't like the house is just the release of tension after the months of waiting.  Be thankful it is as it is, you can put your own stamp on it and then it will be your home. 

RHemmings

First, get some sleep. Even if you can't sleep, going to bed and shutting your eyes has some restorative effect. I once read a book called 'Wide Awake at 3am, by Choice or Chance'. Out of date now, but one thing I found useful were that if you really can't sleep, then get up and do something like housework that improves things. Note: I now typically sleep well, but I'm awake at 4am today because of ill-advised too-much exercise yesterday and I slept early. (In case I seem like a hypocrite.)  I noticed the time of your post, which prompted me to post. 

Second, little by little. You don't have to solve the problem of the whole house at once. Maybe pick a room and work just on that room. With two of you, a single room should be a manageable task. And, houses/flats don't tend to have too many rooms in total. It's the classic 'divide and conquer' approach. Otherwise, make a list of things that can be done, and tick them off one by one. 

For tradespeople, if you get to know your neighbours, they may be able to recommend people that they've had good experiences with. Otherwise, the tradespeople with the best reviews online are not going to be the cheapest, but are more likely to be good. I can understand how employing someone who made things worse would discourage you. But, there are plenty of good tradespeople out there. 

Anxiety disorder will make things different for you. Are you members of any forums or other mutual aid groups for people with anxiety disorder? Can you discuss your feelings with people who give support such as your GP or specialist support?

A lot of people will have regrets immediately on entering a house. As you say, it's quite common for there to be posts like that. When I first entered my house with my keys (late January), I found the house damp and with a strange 'sweet' smell. I thought 'OMG, what have I done'. But, I went and bought a dehumidifier immediate, thinking it was a stop-gap measure'. Now I'm in a perfectly dry house and while I think there are some things to address, I can do so at my leisure. One of the compromises of my house is the small kitchen, and through not sorting things out, it got cluttered. I found it unusable, and again thought 'OMG, what have I done'. But, I bit the bullet and complete decluttered it. With one of my work surfaces being hinged, I could unclip that and leave it hanging down, and the decluttered remaining workspaces are good for my purposes, so that has been a big boost for me. I can use this kitchen, but it cannot become cluttered. A friend of mine gave me a huge shelving unit which I thought I'd made a mistake by accepting. But, one day I cleared out the box room by moving stuff elsewhere, and then managed to build the shelving unit, which takes up all of the longest wall. Now it's up, stuff has been shuffled from elsewhere giving me space in the masterbedroom for when my wardrobe arrives. And, then I will have more storage. And so on. I'm just giving my example as while my experience and background is different from yours, over months I'm making one change here, one change there, and as the house becomes more liveable I am encouraged  by the progress. I hope you can get into that situation too. 

Dustyevsky

Buyer's regret is perfectly normal; that's why the expression exists. For most of us, the first house is a huge compromise between what we'd like and what's possible, but it doesn't have to feel like a life sentence. Think of it more as a university course, where you're beginning with only the basics, but in a year or two's time you'll be far more knowledgeable. 

Start by getting one room up together so you can retreat there after a day's work, when you're knackered and just need to chill. A lick of paint and new carpet works wonders. Once you have that calm space, move outwards as appropriate, tackling things in a logical order. For example, if the electrics worry you, get them checked by someone who has the trade accreditations you can learn about online. e.g NICEIC. You'd do this also because altering electrics is messy and might require some redecoration afterwards. However, it's unlikely you'd need to alter all the wiring to make the installation safe.

You can't make plans for the future of the house now, any more than you could do that with someone you've only just met. In about 6 months, you'll maybe have an idea whether you want to stay or move on in a year or two. That will guide your spending, because people usually don't get back the cost of big ticket items, like a new kitchen, when they sell a 'stepping stone' house.

" I thought getting the keys to your first home was supposed to be an exciting amazing day…" You gave us a clue there. That's BS. It's has never been that way for us. It's actually the day when the faults you know about are multiplied by two, or more! Even with a very modern up-togther property there's the wild cards, like the neighbours, their dogs,  or the helicopter training area you didn't know about! If you find you don't have external down-sides like that, the house could be better than you think, because the problems are within its walls, and you can deal with them, slowly, calmly, and using logic to plan ahead.

Sim1N

Thank you all so much for your responses. It’s reassuring to know that we aren’t the only ones that feel like this. I have managed to get a few hours of broken and restless sleep, @RHemmings thank you for that recommendation on the sleep thing, I will look into this and I am about to have my first CBT session next week (after being on the waiting list for nearly 7 months) which I am hoping will help. My partner unfortunately is a bit of a “stiff upper lip, head down and carry on” type of bloke with mental health which makes things worse for him.

 @Dustyevsky with regards staying there long term, we were initially planning on being there around 4-5 years max as at some point we plan on relocating to the North/EastYorkshire border (we are in South Yorkshire at the moment). I suppose we’re just deflated and don’t know if we should go to town in doing it up how we want or just doing it basic, but at the same time even though the house isn’t and was never going to be our forever home, we want to enjoy living there as we work hard and have lived in some basic and run down rental properties over the years and feel we deserve to have things nice.

 The things that sold us on the property are still there, like decent sized drive, decent size garden that has access to a field at the back, the decent sized rooms, quiet street, had a new boiler fitted in Jan 2023, nice elderly neighbours (we aren’t the loud party social types so thats perfect for us). It has so much potential to be a lovely house and is somewhat very sellable. For example the house first came for sale in January and sold within 3 days of being listed before we even had chance to book a viewing, then the buyer had to pull out close to completion as their flat sale fell through. We then managed to get a viewing and offer in quickly and as the searches and some enquiries had been done for the other buyer, we used the same solicitor and it’s only taken 7 weeks from offer to completion. Maybe that also shocked us though as we thought we would have the usual 12 ish weeks to save extra cash, but we are fortunate that we still have about £3.5k left over. I know that won’t pay for a new kitchen but I know we can do quite a lot with that. There is no real reason for us to believe the electrics are unsafe, I think it’s just a paranoia thing on my part. The consumer unit looks reasonably new and all the switches and stickers we have tried so far seem to be in good working order apart from the odd couple where the switches are a bit stiff etc.

To note I am the kind of person who has a headache and convinces myself I have a brain tumour! I feel like I have house hypochondria if that’s a thing.

@BungalowBel I think the plumber situation has made me just lose the faith and enthusiasm I had. I think we will knock on our neighbours doors today to ask them if they know people. I’m just paranoid that the things we want to fix aren’t fixable. I know that logically things are fixable by the right tradespeople and they aren’t all cowboys like the “plumber” I’m just so scared.

We are lucky in the sense that we can extend our tenancy on our current flat and the rent is reasonably cheap, so we can take more time if necessary to get the main rooms decent and won’t be majorly out of pocket in doing so. We always said weeks ago before even the completion date was confirmed that we needed to deep clean and then just get one of the 3 bedrooms decent and the kitchen/diner and living room and the rest will be step by step. But I feel like as soon as we walked in on Friday it’s like all our plans went out the window and panic mode set in and we’re flapping about the place like headless chickens!

Thank you again for your responses, sorry again for the essay, the main panic has been money and being drained of it unexpectedly or being scammed out of it like yesterday. When you’ve rented for so long and aren’t used to dealing with your own repairs you just panic and it’s a big responsibility.

Even if no one reads this, it’s just good for me to type it out and get it off my chest a bit!

HampshireH

If you still have your flat and the cleaning is overwhelming, put some of your leftover cash to good use and pay a company to do a deep clean for you

Get 3 quotes /references / check their social media reviews (one of the above or all 3).

Take that stress away then you can get the paint pits out or whatever with a clean working space. Hopefully this will help you both see beyond the dirt and grime and see the positives

Then do a to do/wish list list (not in priority order because they will always be big things)

Pin it somewhere and start ticking things off, this will help as you'll see your progress 

Flugelhorn

I totally agree about concentrating on one room to start with.

also agree with the fact that most people think "what have I done? " at some point when they get the keys, places look very different then from the day you viewed them, particularly when all the furniture is moved out and stuff taken off the walls - the feeling does fade when you start to put your mark on the place. 

Are you on some sort of local facebook group or similar? I find that that is a good place to get recommendations for tradesmen - may be easier where I am as there are 400 houses on an estate and the group is just for that area so tend to be more confident that the comments are genuine - there are a couple of electricians and a plumber who live there - they have to do a good job   

WellKnownSid

Buyer's remorse is perfectly natural, especially if you've not really slept since completion.

We moved into our current house in 2019 - and we all had to live in the dining room for three months until rooms were habitable.  Cooking took place in one of the hallways (wife refused to use the kitchen even after a deep clean...!!)

1. As others have said - get it cleaned.  Cost is minimal for the benefit it brings.
2. Focus on one room to make it habitable and work from there
3. Replace all the toilet seats.  A horrible job but you can do it yourself, no other job will seem quite so bad after, and there is something much nicer sitting on a new seat 
4. Get any dirty carpets out.  A room with a bare floor and a few different paint samples on the wall can look SO much better than a tired room with a filthy carpet.

housebuyer143

One room at a time. Clean it first, then just focus on one thing at a time until the list goes down. 
It's very overwhelming moving house and it's not all smiles and happiness which people make out. 

I hated mine when I walked in and took me two weeks to feel like it wasn't a mistake. It's a big change - you just spent loads of money and put yourself in huge debt and then you look around at all the more money you need to spend. It will get easier, just give it time. 
This time next year you will be laughing that you ever felt that way at all. 

Sim1N

HampshireH said:

If you still have your flat and the cleaning is overwhelming, put some of your leftover cash to good use and pay a company to do a deep clean for you

Yes we still have the flat and it is with the council so can easily extend the tenancy. It’s hard because I haven’t been allowed to book a full week or two off of work either.

We did consider getting cleaners in, but we just thought we could do it ourselves and save the money… maybe we have been too naive in this whole processes!

Does anyone have an idea of what we would be looking at cost wise for such a service? Just so scared of getting scammed by paying over the odds or at the same time paying too little for a poor job. It’s a 3 bed semi with a conservatory

Sim1N

Flugelhorn said:

I totally agree about concentrating on one room to start with.

also agree with the fact that most people think "what have I done? " at some point

Are you on some sort of local facebook group or similar? I find that that is a good place to get recommendations for tradesmen - may be easier where I am as there are 400 houses on an estate and the group is just for that area so tend to be more confident that the comments are genuine - there are a couple of electricians and a plumber who live there - they have to do a good job   

So most people do feel the same thank God! We just feel so alone

Neither of us are on social media and haven’t been for the best part of a decade (we aren’t old technology phones obviously lol, we just find it annoying and don’t feel the need) but my mum is so I may get her to have a look or even give me her log ins so I can get some info on there. Thank you so much for your reply!