Redemption - The journey of a recovering gambling addict.

Lonelygambler

WinterWarrior said:

Does your wife also work? If so then the personal spends you have lost (and will also pay back outside of the joint account) shouldn’t affect her too much. Have any future joint plans been put on hold for it? I guess it depends how your household runs to how big an impact it has on everyone else. It might feel quite awkward right now, but you have made a massive positive step and need to remember you have made some good changes.

Yes my wife works and has a good salary £50k, but on part time hours. 

A significant issue is our different view on debt. Using 0% cards etc.
 

The gambling is not ok and I’ll own that. 

She needs time. I’ll just crack on making overpayments. 

LG

Lonelygambler

CoffeeSonata said:

Hi @Lonelygambler.  Welcome. I'm so sorry you are going through all this.  It's a lot. 

I work in behavioural science and I wondered if you actually knew what an absolutely amazing acheivement it is to manage 7 days gambling free all on your own, without other support or therapy. 

It's a huge achievement. 

I got angry when you said how ashamed you felt.  I've seen that level of shame a lot, but I wanted to say this, as a behaviourist, (we work in advertising, the government nudge unit, with kids with challenging behaviour, with addicts). 

One of the ways we describe the most sucessful way of organising rewards to motivate people (anyone) is by pointing to fixed odd betting machines, or gambling online/other gambling payouts. 

The whole thing, the pattern of rewards and payouts is designed very, very scientifically, following behavioural principles and science to motivate you and make you spend more and more chasing a reward that comes at just the right time to motivate you to keep going. 

It's by design. 
it's designed that way, by people with training in these things, and psychology and behavioural motivation. 

These patterns of rewards and payouts, they are researched, tested and tweaked to be the most effective they can in getting people to gamble.  And they are very effective. 

THe shame isn't yours. It's not yours. 

It's the companies who design this way and make it this way deliberately to hook people, to make it irresitable, to part you with your money. 

 Add in those of us who are more dopamine driven, and reward focused (both contribue to addictive personalities). It's a recipe for disaster (for us, not them). 

That is also why it's so very difficut to stop. It really is. 

I wanted to say that you were very brave telling your wife. I can't imagine the fear and upheaval and bravery needed to do that.  It must have taken so much courage and character. 

 am relaly glad you are seeking therapy and they contacted and arranged so quickly. 
 No urge in seven days is also a good sign. 

 Do you have any ideas what the triggers are, what sparks the urges?

 Welldone on all the switches and using the money to go to the debt. 
  Your goal seems very realistic and achievable. 

 Your questions:
    - top of your posts, in the blue bit -  three dots in the right hand side.  Click there, you get options to edit or delete. 
    - book selling sites. I've sold amazon individually, maddening if lots. Webuybooks and ziffit recommened. You donwload an app, scan the barcode of the books and it offers you a price.  You then make a large parcel of all your books and send them to the company.  If all as described, they pay you that amount. Might be the easiest way for lots.  

 Food grocery wise -  if you like challenges and making savings, maybe come join the grocery challenge thread. you can join part way through the month, search old style money saving, grocery challenge. Be as chatty or not as you want or just post target /progress. People have lots of good ideas for money saving and good meal plans on the thread, and heads up about offers or maximiing loyalty cards and points. 

 You are doing really well. THere will be up and down days. But if that happens remember how amazingly well you did all on your own these first seven days. I think you can do this.  It's a big thing to face. You are doing well. 
 Try not to focus on the past, and look forward to what and who you can be.  It doesn't define you.  And the shame is not yours. 

Thank you for your words of encouragement. 

I feel shame because my salary is significant and I spend my days helping those who need the most help. I feel shame because when I look at my toddlers I know I could be offering much more for them. I have lied to my wife and that is not what you sign up for when you get married (9 Year Ago) been together 20+ years. 

Thank you again for the kind words, I believe my wife has signed us up to couples therapy which I will embrace eyes and ears wide open. 

LG

Aimingforthegoodlife

Just wanted to pop on and wish you all the best, you have recognised the issues and started open communication, this is fantastic. I will be following along

Lonelygambler

Sunday Morning

Another rainy day with two toddlers. 

😩

MrsCautious

Hi, what do you mean you could be offering your toddlers more? Sounds to me like they’ve a loving dad who thinks the world of them, it doesn’t get better than that.

You’re doing exactly the right thing and you can be safe in the knowledge that as you work to beat this, and get there, should you share this battle won with them when they’re older, they’ll be immensely proud of you. 

Good luck and go you on all you have achieved so far.

KeepOnKnitting

Well done for being brave enough to post. I'm really glad to hear you have engaged with the gambling NHS service. I work in addiction services, so I hope you don't mind me commenting. 

Your wife may take some time to get her head around things. See if the NHS service can recommend a support group for family, as that may help her to process some of the emotions she is struggling with. From personal experience of having a loved one with an addiction, the family support group made so much difference for me.

While you are waiting for the counselling service, you might want to start thinking about some of the triggers that make you want to gamble, the emotions that are driving this and how you can deal with those emotions differently. 

Well done for making the change. That also goes for the other posters who have said they realised something had to give. You are all doing so well.

Lonelygambler

MrsCautious said:

Hi, what do you mean you could be offering your toddlers more? Sounds to me like they’ve a loving dad who thinks the world of them, it doesn’t get better than that.

You’re doing exactly the right thing and you can be safe in the knowledge that as you work to beat this, and get there, should you share this battle won with them when they’re older, they’ll be immensely proud of you. 

Good luck and go you on all you have achieved so far.

Hey, I should have already £££ saved in stock and shares ISA's. I should be in a better position so my wife only has to work two days a week in a far less stressful job. 

Thank you for your encouragement.  

Lonelygambler

KeepOnKnitting said:

Well done for being brave enough to post. I'm really glad to hear you have engaged with the gambling NHS service. I work in addiction services, so I hope you don't mind me commenting. 

Your wife may take some time to get her head around things. See if the NHS service can recommend a support group for family, as that may help her to process some of the emotions she is struggling with. From personal experience of having a loved one with an addiction, the family support group made so much difference for me.

While you are waiting for the counselling service, you might want to start thinking about some of the triggers that make you want to gamble, the emotions that are driving this and how you can deal with those emotions differently. 

Well done for making the change. That also goes for the other posters who have said they realised something had to give. You are all doing so well.

Thank you for commenting. I have started this diary as a form of therapy. I could not be so open in my current role and social circle. 

I believe she is speaking to GAM-FAM which will help, I know she is angry and trust is broke. I have showed her every account and explained that our joint account and all bills have never been missed in over 18 years. However she is not happy. 

Triggers

1. Wanting to be debt free
2. Having more hands on cash for daily spurging 
3. Boredom in the evenings 

Thank you for popping by. 

Lonelygambler

So the weekend is over and another big week of work ahead. 

Another NSD and great time with my two boys. Organised the food for the week and have cleared out two large cupboards. Found easter eggs backdated to 2022! 

Previously when shopping I would just order my previous week and add extra bits. I have gone into our garage freezer and found 4 packs of chicken fillets! 

Meals for the week include the following:

1. Shepards Pie 
2. Roast Chicken 
3. Jacket Potatoes & Tuna / Cheese / Beans
4. Chilli 
5. Fajitas 
6. Fish and Chips

Cooking for four including two toddlers who sometimes eat or do not eat the meals provided! 

Looking at my accounts if I'm strict I will be making an overpayment of £275 on Thursday before payday and the new budget starts. 

Thanks for all the encouragement. I've had to delete and unfollow a lot of channels on social media today due to gambling links and references.  

LG

MrsCautious

Lonelygambler said:

Hey, I should have already £££ saved in stock and shares ISA's. I should be in a better position so my wife only has to work two days a week in a far less stressful job. 

Thank you for your encouragement.  

Your family already has what money can’t buy whatever you or their mum earns. 

A simplistic and cliched view I know but it’s cliched because it’s true. 

Be kind to you you’re doing great.