Buying a little piece of Middle England; Manifesting my way to mortgage free.

debtfreewannabe321

All I've done so far today is take DD to work (she drove herself and it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be hallelujah 🤣 it is the first time I've been brave enough to take her out on my own). Then I popped to Mr T, stood FoRevvvver in the queue it was so busy, got a top up shop (thought about abandoning it it was so busy) and then helped an elderly gentleman with his shopping into the car, he'd been in the queue in front of me and declined help getting stuff from his trolley onto the conveyor but accepted it the other side from the till lady. He was really struggling and quite frail looking. I said to her I'll see if I can find him when I left as he declined help from staff to help him to the car. He happened to be parked right next to me! So I got there same time as him as I walked quicker and only had a few items. So good deed done for the day helping him with the shopping into the car. 
Came home to put It away and sat and watched a three part series on n3tflix. Got bored half way through though 😆🫣 so stopped to make DP some lunch as he'd been on a conference call all day. Tidied the kitchen afterwards and put a wash on and filled the DW. Loving the working DW 🤩 and it's way better than my last one as the cutlery bit is right at the top so no cutlery basket taking up half the space on the bottom! It's a great design. Anyway I've finished my three parter and am debating doing something as I'm already bored watching TV 🙈. Foot feels slightly better today and yesterday I wore some new insoles in my trainers 🤔 so I think it's helped. I might have to stock up on some new ones to keep swapping the old ones out whilst my foot heals. 🤔 Don't really want to be up on it today so will see if I can find something to do sat down. 

KajiKita

Embroidery?
Reading?

KK

debtfreewannabe321

KajiKita said:

Embroidery?
Reading?

KK

Catching up on here 😊 so I guess that counts as reading, although not any of the three books I currently have on the go 🙈😌.

debtfreewannabe321

Afternoon all, 
Well I was really poorly last night, had a horrible upset tummy and exhaustion just washed over me. I have been feeling really tired all week and struggling with the gym etc, but carried on, so could be a bug, could just be adrenaline crash/ stress leaving my body. Who knows. I felt slightly better today, am still tired, but managed to get up and decide to go on a walk I haven't been on since my furry little best friend (FLD) passed away last year.
It turned into a bit of a nightmare though because people on bikes decided to try and take my life several times whizzing past us on the path. One literally crashed into DP and didn't even apologise, they got back on their bike and whizzed off. They really had no consideration for pedestrians, too busy going as fast as they could in their lycra leotards. Irritated the hell out of me and I got really upset feeling like my default state lately seems to be either anger or sobbing my heart out. I'm exhausted from it and I ended the walk feeling really deflated. Wasn't really my intention, my intention was to go out and ground walking next to the canal and river paths and be in nature and come home feeling more peaceful and happier.  
We stopped at the pub after our walk and they had nothing I wanted to eat so DP got something (the only VG thing on the menu) and we had a chat about life, ups and downs, work, home, and we have skated around so many ideas over the last few months but since the threat of redundancy is still looming overhead it really brings it all in front of you to look at and analyze. I feel depressed as hell in my house. It is the biggest house I have ever owned and it is the emptiest house I have ever lived in. With only one child at home, no dog, no chickens, DD who spends most of her time in her room, it feels so vast, so empty. I don't live in a huge house it is just a standard semi 4 bed, but I am so used to being squashed into small houses with lots of kids, I don't know what to do with all the rooms. Fostering was a no go. DS I doubt he will ever come home. He has blocked me 💔. I am wanting to pay down a huge (to us) mortgage and yet it will be essentially for an empty house. No noise of kids and pets, no happiness and no life in it. What is the point? I am sure most of you will think me mad but DP and I have kind of agreed on a 3-5 year plan to move again. Downsize. We will finish this house, we will pray to break even, we will move. 

Our wish list will be specific to us next time. I was always trying to think of my children before and sorry, I refuse to now. I am never thanked for it, instead I am always told I make the wrong decisions. So our wish list will be a cottage, rural-ish, some land, near a body of water. I think I need to change my mindset, I have lived the last 27 years of my life for my children, I need to make the next 27 for me. 

~I need to change my job. I am glad I cancelled the interview, it was a side step into a potentially even more stressy job rather than a step up. 
~I need to finish the house, but we will be doing it with a discerning eye on what exactly needs updating and what can we just leave? 
~DP is serious about starting his side hustle which he hopes will become a full time venture, so he is booking onto some courses to get the right skills he needs to do this. A lot of this new venture will be about having confidence in the right circles, and his last two jobs have helped with that. Hopefully his bonus will pay for that.
~ I want a new pet (or two) they really are my therapy companions when I am down/ disregulated. 
~ I want to save a good size EF. DP thinks this is more important than the OPs right now and I am inclined to agree.
~I need to go back to meditating and journalling (this site helps me to be fair, although I am sure most think I must moan an awful lot on here   soz )

I came home from the pub and had lunch (free rather than overpriced rubbish put on there to say they cater for VG). I tidied the kitchen up and then had an overwhelming urge to rip the old kitchen out - there are still bits in there, so I emptied out the last cupboard (the dreaded messy under the sink one), found several duplicate cleaning/ clothes cleaning things half filled so poured them all into one container and recycled the rest.
 Then I took down a blind that had been up for forty years (at least ) and a shelf and a few other bits. It looks much emptier now, and the last bit to take out is the sink and cupboard which I will leave for DP. I then went into the front living room which is never used except for us piling wash baskets high in there full of ironing. I have a tonne of things in there I have up for sale too. Put the lot in bin bags- off to the CS. I also binned bits that were broken that I thought I could salvage. I have chucked a table out too to the CS. Emptied the cupboard under the stairs and tidied it (binned lots- CS lots). DP Is on the 3rd skip run now. Carport is almost empty and we will then work our way through the garage. So a nice spontaneous declutter  
I think I will try to sell a sofa I have as we want to replace it with a sofabed for guests. And I have some cupboards in the garage that still haven't moved back into the house after the extension- time to decide, tip, CS, sell or keep! Feel better for doing this than my walk in 'nature' this morning  

skint_spice

You sound like you have done a great deal of thinking. Moan away on here, if people don’t like it they can skim or move on. I only avoid moaning sometimes because often people offer solutions and sometimes all you want to do is get it off your chest 😂

Newstartforme

Sorry you aren't feeling too good DFW , could be whatever bug you have is affecting your usual ability to just get on with whatever life throws at you . Really do hope you feel better soon . You will feel mentally better for having a clear out xx

greenbee

Get the house done and use the space to have guests to stay (if you're getting a sofabed, and you have a spare room and DS's room, then it sounds as if you're good for a few house parties!). Make this the house where you do lots of entertaining - and you don't have to wait until it's finished, as long as you have somewhere for people to sit, can produce a meal or drinks, and there is somewhere for non-local guests to stay. That way you can fill the house with positive energy and good memories and enjoy the next few years rather than thinking about the emptiness.

Looking back at my parents' visitors' book, once we left home they seemed to have people staying constantly It's only slowed down since my dad died, and all their friends are getting older and less able to travel (and my mum is also getting older and less able to cope with a houseful all the time). 

daisy_1571

Sounds very productive and perhaps you are entering a new 'stage' of life ?

We all go through ups and downs, if you just wanted a moan not ideas just ignore.  BUT you can moan all you want on here, its your diary and only needs to serve you.  

I would encourage you not to be despondent about building your life round your children and them never being grateful  - I think its designed into lots of children to be selfish and see everything through their own prism and only think about things in regard to how it affects them with absolutely no regard to everyone around them.   It might be when they are 25, 40, when they have their own children,  grandchildren, or one day in their 80s when you are long gone, but one day they will look back and realise what was done for them, how unselfish a parent has been, how ungrateful they were at the time.  The only thing you can remind yourself is how you did what you did with best intentions, with the best resources you had available (physical or mental resources), you did it because you wanted to, you would do it again for them etc etc.  

But its definitely time to start thinking more about you and dp.  How you want to live.  I doubt anyone here will think you mad for wanting to rightsize your house.  Sounds very sensible indeed.

In the short term I would try to allocate functions to rooms to help you feel settled.  A room can have any function - craft room, library, music room, morning/afternoon/evening room if the sun hits a room at a particular time of day and its nice to sit in with a book and a cuppa, tv room, dining area for 2 people and separate one for larger groups, proper storage room with shelving and hangers so you can keep outdoor clothes Christmas stuff holiday stuff neatly and easily accessible so you have nothing in the attic, I've run out of ideas but you will have ideas for the things you, dp and dd do.  (Maybe make dd a suite so she has a livingroom as well as her bedroom so she isn't sitting on her bed in the evening.)  Get using every inch of your house and enjoy these next few years in your big house.

Great idea to get some new furries.  Its always nice to be needed by something.   Maybe a dog not a good idea when you still have issues with walking.   Local rescues will have cats or other smalls looking for foster, permanent foster or proper adoption.   To help pick one that will be right for you maybe do some volunteering, we got ours after 3 months of a weekly shift cleaning out the cat pens, an old one eyed cat with a heart issue who'd lost her owner but who seemed to strike up a bond with me, we've had her 2 years now.  


Hope things look better after a good night's sleep   

Dxxxx

greenbee

I like Daisy's idea. When I was moving I wanted a library, a yoga room, and a sewing room. I've turned the smallest bedroom into a sort-of library (I have to use it as a recording studio for work as the acoustics in my office are rubbish). I haven't got the yoga or sewing rooms sorted yet, but I really should put more thought into it!

debtfreewannabe321

Aw thanks @skint_spice sometimes I do want advice and other times I do just want a moan 🤣 unsure what it is I want at the moment to be honest. I just know something has to change. 
I've been feeling like I've been grieving all year, first for FLD then for my sister cutting me off and then for my son leaving and cutting contact. It's made me miserable as hell and I've often wondered what is the point in anything. But I do keep trying to get back up and get on with things ❤️
Thanks @Newstartforme I've been sick four times since summer now. Just as I get over one thing I seem to catch another thing. DP did another tip run! I cleared out two cupboards on my own from the garage to the "let's just tip it, I've had enough" pile 🤣 and I brought one cupboard in. I still have two more cupboards out there 🫣 but I lost the light to carry on. I love a good clear out. Will have to carry that job on another day now as back to the rat race tomorrow and daily grind. 

Potatoes are boiling for mash then we will have a nice shepherdless pie and just chill I think ☺️.
 
Hopefully tomorrow will be easy. I know Tues has a trip involved and Thur will be hell again as per usual. It's turning out I don't mind the beginning of the week so I'm not dreading work all weekend any more. That's a positive 😃. But Thursday is too much on my feet so that's becoming a bit of a problem for my pain threshold. And once again like last year I dread Fridays. Suppose I can't win them all eh!