I am physically dreading Christmas and the whole holidays

margaretclare

Well, if it's any help, we are having the quietest Christmas possible. It doesn't matter, it doesn't have to be the 'ideal' Victorian Christmas with a groaning dining-table and all the happy relatives around. I have had some miserable Christmases and so has DH, but he and I are together and that's all that matters. We're having completely non-traditional food that we want, not what others tell us we should have.

I would agree with ailuro_2 above.

A much brighter and more hopeful New Year to you!

Margaret

elaine373

Your wife seems to be holding the strings. Be strong and file for a divorce. She is certainly behaving unreasonable.You have been patient enough. She wants to have her cake and eat it. Dont let this continue, it will run you into the ground.See a solicitor asap.All the best and enjoy the time with your children. It sounds like they have a brilliant Dad.

Gale_10

Just to let you know I am thinking of you today.

Just get through today, and then concentrate on the children.

Like everyone says, get legal advice and don't let yourself be walked over. I don't normally give advice to men, but you seem like the injured party here.

http://www.divorceaid.co.uk

http://www.hmcourts-service.gov.uk/infoabout/divorce/index.htm

http://csa.gov.uk/en/maintenance

Phone Samaritans, they are so great, I have phoned them quite a few times over the years.

Take care,

Gale

Grace_

Before you stop making these payments, I strongly advise you to see a solicitor. Make it your top priority straight after christmas. Upon a divorce the law will split your assets as it sees fit, quite possibly based on your contributions to the household. You have made substantial (if not all?) payments towards the mortgage and bills, carry on doing this until you seek legal advice, as you can then say that you solely supported your wife and children, and let her keep her salary for herself (indicating that she is thoroughly capable of supporting herself), just incase the csa try to force you to support her aswell as the children.

Keep in contact with your children, and try to keep visits at the familial home, to show the kids that your want to keep as much norm in your childrens lives as possible. You do not want to look like the "bad cop." If she won't let you visit, then ring, send letters or cards. Do whatever you can to ensure you keep in touch with your children and keep supporting them in a way that you feel you would be able to maintain in the future. DO NOT pay anything to your wife directly unless it is for the children.

It is really important for you to be strong at a time like this, do not be afraid to stand up for yourself, show her that she cannot walk all over you.

IMO she has lost qualities in you that she may not find in another man. You seem like a very honest, caring and thoughtful person, I hope things work out for the best, and you can see that some things may not seem like the best thing for you when they happen, but the good lord intends for everything to happen for a reason

Just concentrate on making your christmas special with your little ones

mrsides

Hey guys

Thanks for all the kind words, they mean alot when you are sitting in an empty house on your own.

The past three days have been the hardest ever.

I spent an hour with the children on Christmas eve at my grans house, then dropped them off at our family home, to be greeted with my wifes mother who had come to our house for christmas. I then spent the evening and night at an aunts, to save being on my own, they then made it clear I wasnt going anywhere until it was time to go to our house to be with the children. So I stayed and spent the day until 3pm, with them how do you say thank you to a family for letting me sit in on their day ? No words can express how they have helped me through yesterday.

I then went home, to find the house empty, I sat on the front step for 20 minutes until my wifes, sister dropped the children off, I didnt go in even though I have a key as I did not want to be seen as well you know.

The children were so excited to see me, they were bouncing ! It was lovely to be there. But this is where my heart sank, it had been planned that I would have a second father christmas visit for this morning. We had sorted presents each of us were to buy, and I told my wife and all my family to ensure we did not duplicate.

Id spent the weekend wrapping the childrens presents, ready for our christmas morning. But my daughter was so excited as her main present that Id bought off father christmas, had already been given to her by my wifes mother. Why do that knowing Id bought it, and my wife and I had sorted each list out and were fully aware of what we had bought ??

So basically all the presents remain wrapped, father christmas is now not coming until friday evening, as I am spending the weekend at home. That way once I had explained how father christmas was too tired to come last night to my son & daughter I will have time to un-wrap the gifts, return them to the shop and hopefully find an alternitive present for her.

I honestly broke my heart at what has happened. Only a small thing but why do that ?

My daughter then gives me her present and promptly says I dont know what it is Mummy didnt let us wrap it. So we sat and opened the gifts, only to be faced with a wrapped up novel, which I hadnt opened from my birthday in July, as it was given to me from one of my wives family members and it didnt seem right to take the gift. It just feels so very callous and cold the treatment that I am receiving, and as I have stated if I were such a bad person why didnt my wife leave with the children or divorce me, in all this I have maintained that I shall not bad mouth my wife but my daughter is coming out with alsorts, that a seven year old should not be saying.

So I am now back at my grans on my own, to catch my breath then hit the shops tomorrow to sort this out !

Sorry for rambling but it does help just to write things down.

Horace

Go and get yourself some legal advice.

You seem like a decent guy but you OH sounds like a real piece of work. The time is coming where you must no longer play Mr Nice Guy - you need to play her at her own game. One does wonder who is looking after the kids when she is out gallivanting all over town? I'd be looking at child abandonment in such cases. Stop paying the bills too - she earns enough to support herself and the kids.

If I were you, I'd also try and take her name off the mortgage for your rental property especially as you are paying for everything and she contributes nothing. When speaking to the solicitor explain that you have looked after the kids since they were born and go for full custody - you never know you might just get it.

Hope you have a happier New Year. Best of luck for the future.

findingmyownway

mrsides wrote: »

Hey guys

Thanks for all the kind words, they mean alot when you are sitting in an empty house on your own.

The past three days have been the hardest ever.

I spent an hour with the children on Christmas eve at my grans house, then dropped them off at our family home, to be greeted with my wifes mother who had come to our house for christmas. I then spent the evening and night at an aunts, to save being on my own, they then made it clear I wasnt going anywhere until it was time to go to our house to be with the children. So I stayed and spent the day until 3pm, with them how do you say thank you to a family for letting me sit in on their day ? No words can express how they have helped me through yesterday.

I then went home, to find the house empty, I sat on the front step for 20 minutes until my wifes, sister dropped the children off, I didnt go in even though I have a key as I did not want to be seen as well you know.

The children were so excited to see me, they were bouncing ! It was lovely to be there. But this is where my heart sank, it had been planned that I would have a second father christmas visit for this morning. We had sorted presents each of us were to buy, and I told my wife and all my family to ensure we did not duplicate.

Id spent the weekend wrapping the childrens presents, ready for our christmas morning. But my daughter was so excited as her main present that Id bought off father christmas, had already been given to her by my wifes mother. Why do that knowing Id bought it, and my wife and I had sorted each list out and were fully aware of what we had bought ??

So basically all the presents remain wrapped, father christmas is now not coming until friday evening, as I am spending the weekend at home. That way once I had explained how father christmas was too tired to come last night to my son & daughter I will have time to un-wrap the gifts, return them to the shop and hopefully find an alternitive present for her.

I honestly broke my heart at what has happened. Only a small thing but why do that ?

My daughter then gives me her present and promptly says I dont know what it is Mummy didnt let us wrap it. So we sat and opened the gifts, only to be faced with a wrapped up novel, which I hadnt opened from my birthday in July, as it was given to me from one of my wives family members and it didnt seem right to take the gift. It just feels so very callous and cold the treatment that I am receiving, and as I have stated if I were such a bad person why didnt my wife leave with the children or divorce me, in all this I have maintained that I shall not bad mouth my wife but my daughter is coming out with alsorts, that a seven year old should not be saying.

So I am now back at my grans on my own, to catch my breath then hit the shops tomorrow to sort this out !

Sorry for rambling but it does help just to write things down.

Your Aunt & family were very kind to you, but its no more than you deserve! Just helps you remember that even when times are tough, most people are good at heart.

I didn't quite follow what has happened with the gifts. You sound disapointed you didnt get see them open your presents which is understandable. Hopefully next year you will have your own place sorted out where Santa can visit - then EX never gets the chance to sabotage!

From my own experience, my 3 stepDs get totally separate presents at both houses. Usually decent things like winter boots, coats, clothes, CDs, DVDs, comupter games etc from us. Their mum usually buys total TAT from poundland but each to their own (its not that she can't afford better, jst can't be bothered to go the the shops or put any thought into it). Anyway, the kids know which side their bread is buttered, without us ever having to say a negative word about their mum.

You are doing the right thing by not badmouthing your ex to the kids. They will learn for themselves who is right and wrong - and best in the long run for them to come to their own conclusions (noone wants to hear bad of their Mum, but kids aren't daft they know who causes trouble and who doesn't, even if they don't want to admit it to themselves until they are a bit older).

Good luck in the sales!

mrsides

sorry i tried to eplain best I could. We looked at the childrens lists and divided it into two, wife bought half I bought the other. Wife then had christmas day morning to open her half of presents, but I was due to open the presents I had bought this morning with the children. But Ive had to postpone as my wifes mum had given my daughter the main present Id bought, yesterday, so I couldnt give it to my daughter this morning as well. So I will have my christmas with the children on saturday morning.

chunky79

mrsides wrote: »

Hi

Ive been reading everyones stories on here for months, but I couldnt find one that is the same as mine, I know every story is different but I just honestly dont know what to do at the moment !

I am married with two young children, over the past three years our family has been under massive stresses due to a house move, a new baby, a major works accident for me, two major operations, loss of my job, finding a new job, my wife getting promotions, my wife trying to set up a new business, there is so much more but as you can expect our relationship suffered.

In June my wife sat down bright and breezy and said she doubted her love for me, that was then and this is now still the same, but things have moved on Ive asked her to tell me its over but she wont, Ive asked her to tell me if she really does want the divorce that is in its early stages of being sorted out, but she wont I am divorcing my wife as she has made no effort to save our relationship, I attend weekly relate sessions and emotional councelling as well, I have suggested mediation and many many other ways to try and sort things out, its like my wife has just switched off and moved on with her life.

But this is where it gets so very complex, I am living in my Grans at the moment, but still pay every single household bill for the family home, I also pay all bills on a rental property we have, ive asked for help from my wife on the finances but it has been met with no response.

Your are only now responsible to maintain your children, not your estranged wifes lifestyle. Thats is by paying the mortgage or paying maintenance which will be 20% of your income. Not all the bills for both properties. The rental property all should be split unless you move into it, i assume this was a joint venture? Why are you being so nice???


My finances are stretched to breaking point, and I am unable to provide as I should for our children, yet my wife is living the life style she likes as I am paying for it all, she earns so very much more than me, but Ive given up everything as she wanted a seperation. I have lost the children who I did most of the caring for as my wife worked long hours, I have also lost my life if that makes sense ? I have nothing so its hard to try to pick yourself and move on when you are stuck in this massive bubble, just suspended in time waiting for something to burst so that I can try to find out where I am in life.

My wife is now threatening me with many different legal issues, including a restraining order if I dare return to our family home, or pester once to often at seeing our children.

She will threaten, you really need to take legal advice money changes everything. Once she realises you can and will stop paying for her to live a worry free life then she will soon change ger tune! A restraining order for what going to your own home. These are nto givenm away lightly and i fell they are just veiled threats. Power and control!!

She has told me that the children are fine and more than happy without me in their lives, but this differs so very much from the children I have to spend all my time reassuring that I am not going to go away, when I stay at the family home over night once a week to see the children, during the night both of them are there beside me in bed and they hug me that hard its the most lovely feeling, but for my wife to say they are fine is wrong.

This seems to me that she is trying to hurt you which could also mean that really she is upset the marriage is over?? A woman who has come to terms with the end of the marriage that has not ended in a brutal way and that in fact she put the final nail in the coffin wouldn't be so bitter usually.

My little girl keeps saying her Christmas wish is for her Daddy to come home, this is the first time I have missed the build up to the family Christmas, it is heart breaking. I am a family man with no history of any form of abuse, I dont drink or smoke, my family comes first always has, but it seems the past three years have taken its toll, there has been no arguements, just my wife pulling away from me at every chance, she has forged herself a new life and it would seem I am no longer wanted to be a part of it.

As for your children all you can do is reassure them that you will always be there no matter what. My brother contacts his children everyday ay 7pm without fail. just to say goodnight and love you to his girls, could you make this arrangement through your solicitor? If is ex phone for him to have the kids he has them regardless whether or not it is convenient. Put it this way 2 years on and they beg to live with him. He says if they are still saying it when they reach ten then he will take them to a solicitor.

But through all this, you know what I still love her, how daft is that ?

If you still love your wife, i truly feel by reading between the lines that your wife is just misguided and not sure what she wants. She is too bitter for a woman (as previously stated) that has just fallen out of love, if anything from this side of the coin you are the victim here not you. Did she expect you stay with her even though she has openly admitted that she no longer loves you. I thikn a good long hard talk is in order. Ask her directly maybe??

Merry Christmas and thanks for taking the time to read my story.

Really hope you had a good time with the kids x

chunky79

Horace wrote: »

Go and get yourself some legal advice.

You seem like a decent guy but you OH sounds like a real piece of work. The time is coming where you must no longer play Mr Nice Guy - you need to play her at her own game. One does wonder who is looking after the kids when she is out gallivanting all over town? I'd be looking at child abandonment in such cases. Stop paying the bills too - she earns enough to support herself and the kids.

If I were you, I'd also try and take her name off the mortgage for your rental property especially as you are paying for everything and she contributes nothing. When speaking to the solicitor explain that you have looked after the kids since they were born and go for full custody - you never know you might just get it. I completely agree with this statement, it seems to me the children are now been used to get to you. Also you have been their main carer from birth. It makes sense.

Hope you have a happier New Year. Best of luck for the future.

Just replied and then read on, sorry it didn't go so well. It seems to me just another way that your wife can get at you. the nice guy needs to drop now and you need to stand upto your wife make a diary of everything you may need it.

Good luck and all the best for the new year