I am physically dreading Christmas and the whole holidays

findingmyownway

mrsides wrote: »

I asked to see the children today Christmas Eve for a few hours, but my wife said no an hour only, as her mum and sister will be at our family home for Christmas Eve & Christmas Day, I tehn am allowed to see the children from 3pm onwards on Christmas Day until 3pm Boxing Day.

My Daughter is seven and my Son is three, and I have seen them everyday of their lives since they were both born, indeed I was at both births. But now all I live for is when I can either speak or see the children, I am told to get on with my life by my wife, but she will not say we are definately over, so what do I work from ?

Im living in an 80 years old home, with no money as I am financing everything for the family and rented home.

She seems to lack the backbone to SAY that your marriage is over - but all her actions spell out that it IS. So time to accept it im afraid.

I don't think 24 hours access over Christmas is bad at all. Take the kids out, have a fantastic time and remember that your relationship with them is not over just because your marriage is.

Did you say you had a second home? Can you move into there? Or a flat on your own? Anywhere where you can make a nice place for the kids to stay when they visit.

I know divorce is hard, particuarly at this time of year, but that makes it even more important to count your blessings and make the most of your children while they are young.

The biggest piece of advice i can give is don't fight over the little things - save you energy incase you need it for something that really matters

bizzybee

I chose not to go the CSA route, we were able to sort things out financially between ourselves and a mediator. That said my solicitor advised me that because we have 2 children my ex would have to pay me 20% of his earnings and this would reduce by sevenths depending on the number of nights a week they stayed with him.

I really don't think she can be making demands at this stage. You will both have to fill in a financial disclosure and let the powers be decide on how much you contribute.

mrsides

My wife is starting the play emotional games she has never once mentioned the children, then all of a sudden she is doing this for the children. It is a joint property with both names on the mortgage, I have been advised of my rights but at the moment it doesnt ease the pain nor the financial situation I am in. I would mind but I have been trying to get this sorted out for months, but she has flatly refused to move on any issue. I have tried legal letters she has not responded, I have tried to talk to her but she says she is tired or feeling poorly, or not picked the phone up. But yet she is living a nice life, for example I am scraping any money I can together for the children, for when I see them, yet when she is away from home my wife is either out at a pub, club or indeed away for the weekend at hotels or friends, all of which has got back to me through family and friends.

Now the relationship may be over, but how can you accept that it is when I am still heavily involved by way of finances, and security etc. I have no means of moving on at present as I canr afford to do anything !

Thanks for all the advice, and thoughts.

findingmyownway

mrsides wrote: »

I have suggested that the rented house is re-let as it is currently empty. But I am unable to move from where I am due to the finances, indeed if my wife satrted to pay all bills straight away, it would take until Feb 08 for me to have money in the bank ready to finance a move, as all bills are direct debit and the monies have been taken from my account already.

I think you would be mad to re-let the house. You need it to live in. You must be covering the mortgage / council tax etc already if it is empty so i can't see how moving in would cost you a massive amount.

My wife has threatened the CSA already, and has stated that if I intend to stop the bills, but not the mortgage as its joint on both our houses, then I will no longer be welcome there, and if this happens she wants maintenance agreed asap prior to agreeing to any thing.

Can't blame her for wanting to get her own finances sorted. Agreeing a maintainance payment by checking the CSA website (not neccessarily by involving them) has to be a priority. If you are still paying the mortgage your interest in the house is secure. Can understand her not wanting you walking in and out all the time - but if you get yourself into a decent house there would be no need to - you can have the kids at your house.

Without being rude it just seems my wife has it all and indeed is controlling the whole situation, not once have I done anything out of order since she told me in June, and still maintain my distance see the children as she says, pay the bills and basically wait for her next move.

You dont need to wait for her next move, its time for you to make some actions by finding new place to live etc. Noone is claiming you have doe anything out of order - it seems she is being sensible regarding access to kids etc. You have done a good job so far ina difficult situation.

Things will get easier, but some positive action now will help you feel beter about the situation. You don't need to wait around for her to actually say your marriage is over - its clear from her actions.

bizzybee

findingmyownway wrote: »

She seems to lack the backbone to SAY that your marriage is over - but all her actions spell out that it IS. So time to accept it im afraid.

I don't think 24 hours access over Christmas is bad at all. Take the kids out, have a fantastic time and remember that your relationship with them is not over just because your marriage is.

Did you say you had a second home? Can you move into there? Or a flat on your own? Anywhere where you can make a nice place for the kids to stay when they visit.

I know divorce is hard, particuarly at this time of year, but that makes it even more important to count your blessings and make the most of your children while they are young.

The biggest piece of advice i can give is don't fight over the little things - save you energy incase you need it for something that really matters

24 hours access doesn't seem bad when you read it but when you are used to seeing your children every day it is a very short time.

I would also like to say that when you have a lot of 'little things' they soon become a very big thing!

findingmyownway

bizzybee wrote: »

24 hours access doesn't seem bad when you read it but when you are used to seeing your children every day it is a very short time.

I would also like to say that when you have a lot of 'little things' they soon become a very big thing!

I know it isn't the same as being with them all the time, but it could be a lot worse. just trying to look on the bright side. Its too easy to think badly of the ex when you only hear one side of the story.

bizzybee

I wonder whether your wife knows that she is on a good thing at the moment and that by going ahead with the divorce is going to cost her.

Once you have divided up all the assets and agreed the maintenance you will have to pay for the children I'm sure she will find that she is a lot worse off than she is at the moment.

mrsides

That is one thing I am very careful of not doing, I have never once exagerrated or lied about the situation. I not that clever to remember the lie, I am an honest guy in a horrid situation. Who has walked away at my wifes request for believe it or not, for her and the children. I have acted as I always have and will continue to do so for my family. But I seem the one to be making all the sacrafices rather than my wife.

Sorry to ramble on about this, but its alot to deal with.

Thanks again.

bizzybee

findingmyownway wrote: »

I know it isn't the same as being with them all the time, but it could be a lot worse. just trying to look on the bright side. Its too easy to think badly of the ex when you only hear one side of the story.

I agree, he could be not seeing them at all but unforunately that doesn't make it feel any better. Mine have been away since Saturday and don't return until Thursday and at a time of the year that is for families, when you are not working and have a lot of time to think it can be very difficult.

Quackers

mrsides wrote: »

But through all this, you know what I still love her, how daft is that ?

Merry Christmas and thanks for taking the time to read my story.

Not daft at all.

I feel exactly the same way as you.

And your wife sounds just like my husband

He spent a month begging me not to leave him and when I did he has since told me he's so glad he's gone and he hasn't loved me for 5 years but he didn't want to be the one to make the decision

Anyway, if you feel like me then your head is all over the place. Dividing emotions and all that! I really never realised it was possible to have such opossite emotions for someone all at the same time - I love him, I miss him like crazy & need a hug & I want to stab him in the eyes with a pencil all at the same time

I really feel for you. I'm lucky - my girls have stayed with me. They are also a bit older than yours - 13 & 15 and have been a towering strength to me - they have kept me strong.

I am also being as fair as I can over money - your wife needs to understand that you have the right to a life too. If she earns more than you then you really do not have to pay for absolutely everything. If there is no chance at all of her being reasonable then you really must ask for some advice. Most solicitors offer a free 30min consultation and give some really good advice. I did this with 2 different solicitors to get some ideas on my rights and what I would be entitled too.

What about just paying for the mortgage & leaving the bills to her? If she is on a good wage this shouldn't be a problem? Get your name taken off the household bills. Phone them up and tell them you dont live there anymore. This sounds harsh but if you know your wife can afford it then I would do it. You have to start thinking of yourself.

Your children? I really feel for you. My girls now spend 1 night a week with their dad and a full weekend once a month. From my point of view this is far and works for us but I miss them like crazy when they are not here - I cannot begin to imagine how it must be for you when you have always seen them every day.

And of course there is the time of year! Christmas. Its such a family orientated time and there is so much pressure on everyone.

For the past 10-12 years we have had between 10 & 15 people around our table for xmas lunch. This year there is just the 3 of us.

Be grateful for the time you have got with them over christmas and dont dwell on the time you haven't got. Make the most of the good times

I hope you have the best Christmas possible under the circumstances and get things sorted in the New Year.

Best Wishes xx