I am physically dreading Christmas and the whole holidays

mrsides

Hi

Ive been reading everyones stories on here for months, but I couldnt find one that is the same as mine, I know every story is different but I just honestly dont know what to do at the moment !

I am married with two young children, over the past three years our family has been under massive stresses due to a house move, a new baby, a major works accident for me, two major operations, loss of my job, finding a new job, my wife getting promotions, my wife trying to set up a new business, there is so much more but as you can expect our relationship suffered.

In June my wife sat down bright and breezy and said she doubted her love for me, that was then and this is now still the same, but things have moved on Ive asked her to tell me its over but she wont, Ive asked her to tell me if she really does want the divorce that is in its early stages of being sorted out, but she wont I am divorcing my wife as she has made no effort to save our relationship, I attend weekly relate sessions and emotional councelling as well, I have suggested mediation and many many other ways to try and sort things out, its like my wife has just switched off and moved on with her life.

But this is where it gets so very complex, I am living in my Grans at the moment, but still pay every single household bill for the family home, I also pay all bills on a rental property we have, ive asked for help from my wife on the finances but it has been met with no response.

My finances are stretched to breaking point, and I am unable to provide as I should for our children, yet my wife is living the life style she likes as I am paying for it all, she earns so very much more than me, but Ive given up everything as she wanted a seperation. I have lost the children who I did most of the caring for as my wife worked long hours, I have also lost my life if that makes sense ? I have nothing so its hard to try to pick yourself and move on when you are stuck in this massive bubble, just suspended in time waiting for something to burst so that I can try to find out where I am in life.

My wife is now threatening me with many different legal issues, including a restraining order if I dare return to our family home, or pester once to often at seeing our children.

She has told me that the children are fine and more than happy without me in their lives, but this differs so very much from the children I have to spend all my time reassuring that I am not going to go away, when I stay at the family home over night once a week to see the children, during the night both of them are there beside me in bed and they hug me that hard its the most lovely feeling, but for my wife to say they are fine is wrong.

My little girl keeps saying her Christmas wish is for her Daddy to come home, this is the first time I have missed the build up to the family Christmas, it is heart breaking. I am a family man with no history of any form of abuse, I dont drink or smoke, my family comes first always has, but it seems the past three years have taken its toll, there has been no arguements, just my wife pulling away from me at every chance, she has forged herself a new life and it would seem I am no longer wanted to be a part of it.

But through all this, you know what I still love her, how daft is that ?

Merry Christmas and thanks for taking the time to read my story.

redruby

hi,

sorry for the situation you are in, i don't know what to say to you but wanted to send you hugs, and to let you know someone will be along to help you soon, you are doing the right thing by your kids, which is the most important thing, hugs and good luck xx

mkbean

Divorce rule 1: Don't move out of the house.
Divorce rule 2: DONT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE.

Still i don't think its too late.

I don't see any reason why you can't move back into the house you're paying for if you haven't been violent or threatening.

pepsi1959

Hi,
I am like you, been looking on from the sidelines and reading lots of stories, but felt i had to just say, a lot of these stories are from awful husbands, and you sound like a fantastic guy, just remember, what go`s around, comes around!!. I hope you are going to see your kids over xmas, you havent said how old they are?
Hope the new year is a better one for you x

mrsides

I have said within the past two weeks that I will return home, my wife didnt like this at all. She immediately went to her solicitor and complained ! I just honestly give up, she is only listening to what she wants to hear rather than what I am really saying.

If I were such a bad person, why did she not have divorce papers ready to serve, or indeed why has she not served any prior to me ? Or why did she not just leave with the children ?
It seems to me that my wife has made her mind up but will not admit it, or indeed say it. She has a lovely life style and if I dare mention I need financial help or indeed coming home she immediately defends her position.

findingmyownway

I think you need to have a sit down with your estranged wife and make some plans for the future, making the assumption that your relationship is over and things have to change.

Clearly you can't continue paying for 2 houses. Have a look on Child Support Agencys website and find out how much they recommend you pay for your childrens upkeep (depends in how many kids, your wage and how many nights you have them). Then you can go armed with a proper idea of how much you would legally be required to pay, if things ever went down that route (NOT that im suggesting you let things turn out that way, sorting things out amicably is always best for the kids).

So if you set up a standing order of whatever amount you agree into wifes bank then she is resonsible for her household bills and you for yours.

As for acess to the kids, staying in her house isnt ideal. Can you have them at your house overnight instead? That will help them to learn that Daddy isn't coming home, Daddy has a new house but that they are equally loved and welcome there as they are at Mummys house. At the moment they just see you come and go and you can't blame them for being confused.

Good luck

mrsides

I asked to see the children today Christmas Eve for a few hours, but my wife said no an hour only, as her mum and sister will be at our family home for Christmas Eve & Christmas Day, I tehn am allowed to see the children from 3pm onwards on Christmas Day until 3pm Boxing Day.

My Daughter is seven and my Son is three, and I have seen them everyday of their lives since they were both born, indeed I was at both births. But now all I live for is when I can either speak or see the children, I am told to get on with my life by my wife, but she will not say we are definately over, so what do I work from ?

Im living in an 80 years old home, with no money as I am financing everything for the family and rented home.

Sola

Have you seen a solicitor to find out your rights? It's a must for you. Get yourself through the holiday period somehow and get it resolved in the New Year. Good luck mate - you sound lovely and you don't deserve this.

Who lives in the rented home?

findingmyownway

mrsides wrote: »

I have said within the past two weeks that I will return home, my wife didnt like this at all. She immediately went to her solicitor and complained ! I just honestly give up, she is only listening to what she wants to hear rather than what I am really saying.

If I were such a bad person, why did she not have divorce papers ready to serve, or indeed why has she not served any prior to me ? Or why did she not just leave with the children ?
It seems to me that my wife has made her mind up but will not admit it, or indeed say it. She has a lovely life style and if I dare mention I need financial help or indeed coming home she immediately defends her position.

If the relationship is over you can't blame her for not wanting to live with you. And you also can't blame her for wanting to stay in the family home to minimise disruption for the kids. You need to accept this and move on, in 99% of cases a court would allow the mother and kids to remain in the marital home anyway.

BUT - allowing her to stay in the home is not the same as you paying for it! As i said before, work out how much maintainance you should be paying and then take your name off the bills - she is then responisble for paying. Obvisouly you want to keep your name on the mortgage so either agree that she pays it with some of the money you give her, or if you dont trust her then pay the mortage company directly.

bizzybee

I agree with mkbean, you shouldn't have moved out of the house.

I went through a divorce 4 years ago but my ex husband stayed in the house until he completed on the purchase of his new property. His solicitor had advised him to do this and I didn't have a problem with it.

With you not being there she holds a much stronger position.

mrsides

I have suggested that the rented house is re-let as it is currently empty. But I am unable to move from where I am due to the finances, indeed if my wife satrted to pay all bills straight away, it would take until Feb 08 for me to have money in the bank ready to finance a move, as all bills are direct debit and the monies have been taken from my account already.

My wife has threatened the CSA already, and has stated that if I intend to stop the bills, but not the mortgage as its joint on both our houses, then I will no longer be welcome there, and if this happens she wants maintenance agreed asap prior to agreeing to any thing.

Without being rude it just seems my wife has it all and indeed is controlling the whole situation, not once have I done anything out of order since she told me in June, and still maintain my distance see the children as she says, pay the bills and basically wait for her next move.