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I feel like my son is spiralling out of control
Comments
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gwynlas said:In that case I think that you would be justified in giving him notice to quit unless his behaviour improves. I know that it is difficult coming up to Christmas which can be an emotional time anyway so your choice whether you leave it until later. Do try to engage the support of your ex husband and daughter by letting them know what you intend to do and why. You should talk to him calmly and express your own wish for a settled home life without his abuse and if he does not respond appropriately engage tough love and ask him to leave. Do not let this get into an argument with your new partner or your son might start apportioning blame on them. You can pack his bags whilst he is at work if necessary and if he's got sufficient friends and colleagues someone will take him in.0
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Your son is now an adult. It's time he put his big boy pants on and started acting like one. Thing is, this adult thing is pretty new to him, and he's so far gotten away with bad behaviour and bad choices with no consequences. He's still in child mode - being rude, getting his own way, buying himself all the nice toys, etc - because he's not taken on the mantle of adult yet. He's not had to, insufficient time and consequences to his actions have yet to materialise. What he's going to get at some point it what my parents called "a short, sharp shock". Sooner or later, he'll get caught up with life and responsibilities, which I think hasn't happened yet because he's so new to adulthood, being 19yo.You and your husband do not have to put up with abuse in your own home. If he wants to be mean to folk, he can get his own place and be mean to them. Set a boundary over what you will and won't accept. Him continuing to live with you is dependent on him getting a DMP in place, and talking to you in a civil fashion, etc, by Dec 31st. If he hasn't done that by then, he's out on his ear. That gives him time to turn his life around and get off the slippery slope he's on before he goes too far down it. Then, it's his choice as to whether he does that or not. He doesn't HAVE to get a DMP sorted, he can make the choice to not do that and wind up being kicked out. But that's HIS choice, and adulthood is all about making good choices for oneself. Big cows need big prods, and while it's unfortunate that he's going down this route, that's his fault and choice. Him having to figure things out for himself is a very valuable lesson. He's going to learn that life doesn't always do second chances, and the sooner the better.His behaviour is not your fault or your responsibility. He's an adult now, so the buck stops with him. Even a toddler is capable of understanding how to choose and what consequences are. I'm sure you've done your best to help him and guide him, but the ball is in his court. Prepare for him to be extra mean to you when you lay down the law, or turn on the waterworks. He'll pull at all of your strings to stay without consequences, but you'll be doing him a favour by letting him reap what he's sown.His dad taking him in won't change anything. He'll just be rude to him instead.3
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You are doing the right thing OP. I have a brother with similar behaviours. Over the years, our mum bailed him out, over and over again to the tune of many tens of thousands. What this did was cemented his behaviours. He kept mum sweet, just enough to keep her sympathy and for her to accommodate his every need. Those who didn’t bend got the abuse. Brother is now 56. He is still abusive on a regular basis to those who don’t accommodate him. Poor mum got dropped when she no longer had the capacity to bend to his will. For my sake as the younger sibling, I so wish my mum had taken a different approach all those years ago. Mum passed two weeks ago having seen him twice in the past three years.My advice, as hard as it might be, don’t let your son take what matters from you, just because he is your son. He will survive, and with luck he might even see the error of his ways and change for the better.2
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tooldle said:You are doing the right thing OP. I have a brother with similar behaviours. Over the years, our mum bailed him out, over and over again to the tune of many tens of thousands. What this did was cemented his behaviours. He kept mum sweet, just enough to keep her sympathy and for her to accommodate his every need. Those who didn’t bend got the abuse. Brother is now 56. He is still abusive on a regular basis to those who don’t accommodate him. Poor mum got dropped when she no longer had the capacity to bend to his will. For my sake as the younger sibling, I so wish my mum had taken a different approach all those years ago. Mum passed two weeks ago having seen him twice in the past three years.My advice, as hard as it might be, don’t let your son take what matters from you, just because he is your son. He will survive, and with luck he might even see the error of his ways and change for the better.2
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UnderTheCarpet said:Your son is now an adult. It's time he put his big boy pants on and started acting like one. Thing is, this adult thing is pretty new to him, and he's so far gotten away with bad behaviour and bad choices with no consequences. He's still in child mode - being rude, getting his own way, buying himself all the nice toys, etc - because he's not taken on the mantle of adult yet. He's not had to, insufficient time and consequences to his actions have yet to materialise. What he's going to get at some point it what my parents called "a short, sharp shock". Sooner or later, he'll get caught up with life and responsibilities, which I think hasn't happened yet because he's so new to adulthood, being 19yo.You and your husband do not have to put up with abuse in your own home. If he wants to be mean to folk, he can get his own place and be mean to them. Set a boundary over what you will and won't accept. Him continuing to live with you is dependent on him getting a DMP in place, and talking to you in a civil fashion, etc, by Dec 31st. If he hasn't done that by then, he's out on his ear. That gives him time to turn his life around and get off the slippery slope he's on before he goes too far down it. Then, it's his choice as to whether he does that or not. He doesn't HAVE to get a DMP sorted, he can make the choice to not do that and wind up being kicked out. But that's HIS choice, and adulthood is all about making good choices for oneself. Big cows need big prods, and while it's unfortunate that he's going down this route, that's his fault and choice. Him having to figure things out for himself is a very valuable lesson. He's going to learn that life doesn't always do second chances, and the sooner the better.His behaviour is not your fault or your responsibility. He's an adult now, so the buck stops with him. Even a toddler is capable of understanding how to choose and what consequences are. I'm sure you've done your best to help him and guide him, but the ball is in his court. Prepare for him to be extra mean to you when you lay down the law, or turn on the waterworks. He'll pull at all of your strings to stay without consequences, but you'll be doing him a favour by letting him reap what he's sown.His dad taking him in won't change anything. He'll just be rude to him instead.4
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Nearlydebtfree said:Hi
I am not sure whether I am seeking advice or just some support and someone to tell me I am not the worst mother in the world?
In a nutshell myself and my husband separated 10 years ago, I brought up our two children and he saw them a few days a month. I have always been so close to my son who is 19 until the last 12 months when he has just become grumpy, rude, verbally abusive and just secretive. In July this year, me and my ex discovered he had managed to accumulate £20k+ of debt in 12 months. He is on an apprenticeship and earns a decent salary but he had been spending money and lying to both me and my ex about where it was coming from, basically playing us off against the other.
We found out about the debt and tried to speak to him about it and he reacted very, very badly and since then I have been on a roller coaster with him. He told us he was organising a DMP but 4 letters from debt collectors today has shown that to be a lie. He has opened and ignored a parking ticket meaning he now owes them double, I kept asking him to sort it out and he literally ignores the messages. He even has a conviction now for not paying a train fare because he opened the letters and just ignored them. My mind boggles. I have tried to offer him support, emotionally and practically, offered to help him with budgeting and his Dad even paid some of the debt off (mainly a payday loan) but he really doesn't seem to care. We care more than he does. The one thing I have stood by is that I cannot pay off his debts for him as I am not doing him any favours.
I am at the stage with him now, sadly, when I just feel I cannot live with him like this anymore. He lies to me constantly and is now verbally abusive and speaks to me like I am something he trod in. I agreed that, to try and help him get back on his feet I would let him live here rent free - he is so ungrateful and just replied that he shouldn't have to pay anyway! I don't want us to become estranged from each other but I also feel like after 12 months of being patient with him and offering him support, I am at the end of my tether and I feel he has to face up to his problems and I need to let the creditors deal with his debt instead of me worrying about it?
I have since remarried and my husband has also said that he feels that we have been more than patient and that he is very disrespectful. It is a horrible environment to live in and it is making me ill. Am I a terrible mother if I ask him to leave because of his behaviour? I just dread him coming home!
I suppose I know what I need to do, but I don't know how to do it and if there is anything else I can do to help him. I worry about him and him doing stupid things, and so I suppose I worry that if I give him an ultimatum and he does anything silly I will be to blame.
He has such a bright future ahead of him, all I want to do is help him resolve these problems now so that he can just live his life and enjoy it but he is ruining my life at the moment! I dread the post coming even though it's not for me and I just need a break from it all!
Any helpful advice would be very much appreciated.0 -
He has a take home salary of £400 a week, his only outgoings are what he pays me and his gym membership so he has £300 left each week to live off.0
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A work colleague was in a similar situation. I don’t remember the details but he was frustrated by the behaviour of his wife’s teenage son. But, as it was not his son, he felt he could not get involved. However, one day it got too much for his wife and she packed his belongings up and put the bags on the doorstep, locking the door. When the son came home she told him to get out,
he was not getting back in.For several weeks they did not know where he was but then found out he was sleeping on a friend’s couch.He did sort out his life and get a flat and got back in contact with them but did not move back in.It took his mother’s drastic move to bring him to his senses.2 -
gwynlas said:Are there any indicators that here might be a mental health or drug issue behind your sons behaviour? Whilst he might be able to hold it together to attend work how does he function socially?0
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After a lot of thought I gave him a choice on Friday that he either came home with various conditions including sorting out his DMP and being more respectful or he would have to move out. He chose the latter. Apparently why should he live by rules in his Mum’s house?
He has decided to go and live with his Dad. Fortunately his Dad is totally on board with my approach and has made it clear that if he goes there that he has to do a DMP. Apparently the environment at my house has stopped him
from doing this but he can do it at his dad’s. I do love his constant excuses and shifting the blame.
I don’t believe the false promises he’s made to his Dad but hopefully he’ll make more progress than I have? It is his partner’s home and I know she’ll expect him to pay rent, it’s a considerable drive from his work and he has never got on with her - I suspect he will soon realise that his actions have had consequences and not living in a place where he has considerable freedom is one of those. I do hope he sorts himself out, but I feel I really need some head space and his Dad to take it on for now. I just need a night’s sleep without worrying about him.
he’s even tried to say he’s been sleeping in his car since Friday but my daughter knows he’s been staying at his friends in their uni halls. He is very manipulative.
I feel very guilty but I do think I’ve done the right thing. Part of me worries me and him will never reconcile but I’m trying not to let things run away in my head and not message him!5
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