I'm not a bank!

Sola

sarahowen wrote: »

I realise that the best solution would be to sit down and sort this out together but any time I mention the fact that I need more money or that I don't have a lot, he just tells me that he doesn't either.

Of course he does - the status quo is massively in his favour and he knows from experience you'll back down. He sounds unutterably selfish and irresponsible to me. If I were in your shoes, I'd be looking at things like direct debits and telling him he's responsible for certain things from now on; if his nephew's fees are so important to him and his family, let him pay them. I wouldn't tolerate it. Good luck.

belfastgirl23

sarahowen wrote: »

He has a loan that he is paying off of about £200 per month and the rest just gets spent on things like his car, mobile phone bill etc... The loan should finish in March, I think, so things will probably be a bit better then. I realise that the best solution would be to sit down and sort this out together but any time I mention the fact that I need more money or that I don't have a lot, he just tells me that he doesn't either.

I ended up paying my nephew's fees but not giving him money for the cousin.

In this case I do think then that it's about making him face up to the ramifications of the choice he's making. When he asks for £ apart from for his cousin then I'd just say 'sorry I'm skint'. And I'd make sure it's true (no money in my purse) so that I could say it honestly. I'd cook lentils every night and if he asked questions just say money is so tight it's the best I can do. Seriously just cut down everywhere you can especially where he'll notice. In the end you can't make him face up to the issue but you can stop protecting him from it.

sarahowen

I know this sounds whiny and like I'm making lots of excuses, but the truth is he either doesn't notice, doesn't care or blames me if there's no food in the house. It's not the greatest example, but now, for instance, there's no Ariel in the house. He knows there isn't but he won't go and buy any. If I ask him to, he makes an excuse about being busy at work and not having time or being too tired or not having money.

Three conditions which never affect me, apparently.

sarahowen

I say 'his' car because we both have separate cars - he works about 7 miles away from where we live. I only work about 20min walk away but I have to take our daughter to my mother who looks after her whilst I'm at work and she lives about 7 miles away in the other direction.

The loan wasn't for the car; it was for a trip we took to go and see his family. His mother was quite sick at the time and we thought it was probably a good idea to go and see her.

Carmina_Piranha_3

*hugs* Sarah (my Caps Lock Seems To Be Broken!)

I Know It's Not Easy For You, But Men Can Get Depressed Too. Is It Possible That He Might Have Postnatal Depression Or Lack Of Sleep Etc. And It Might Be A Reason For Him Not Wanting To Face Up To The Money Situation? Maybe He Feels Bad For Not Being Able To Support His Family, But Instead Of Doing Something About It He Ignores The Problems Instead?

I Hope Things Get A Bit Easier In March - Maybe He Should Start Putting Money Away For The Nephew Then, So It Doesn't All Come In One Pay Packet?

You Don't Sound Whiny, You Are Under A Lot Of Pressure And You Feel As If You Are Dealing With It All On Your Own, That You Are The One One Who Has The Responsibility Because Your Husband Won't Face Up To It. That Must Be Very Stressful.

conradmum

sarahowen wrote: »

I know this sounds whiny and like I'm making lots of excuses, but the truth is he either doesn't notice, doesn't care or blames me if there's no food in the house. It's not the greatest example, but now, for instance, there's no Ariel in the house. He knows there isn't but he won't go and buy any. If I ask him to, he makes an excuse about being busy at work and not having time or being too tired or not having money.

Three conditions which never affect me, apparently.

It doesn't sound whiny at all. He's made you feel that way - as if you're responsible for everything and he's just along for the ride. Honestly, he's acting like a dependent and not one half of a partnership. I would insist that you both sit down and work out the finances together and if he doesn't agree then no more lending him money until he does.

culpepper

Its interesting that everything is considered as seperate.
I think probably the way he sees it is,you have a family income (2 wages) which belong to the family(you,him and littleone) so everything for family living can come out of it.
He doesnt see it as 'your' money but 'the' money.

Savvy_Sue

culpepper wrote: »

Its interesting that everything is considered as seperate.
I think probably the way he sees it is,you have a family income (2 wages) which belong to the family(you,him and littleone) so everything for family living can come out of it.
He doesnt see it as 'your' money but 'the' money.

It sounds more to me as if he has a "What's yours is mine, and what's mine's my own" attitude ...

When I wasn't working, I had the attitude that "he earns it, I spend it", but in that case it was ALL family money.

always_amazed

hey hey,
sorry to hear about your problem, I had a read through and it sounds as if it must be an infuriating situation to live with!!

Why not book an evening in with him and go over everything. I wouldn't moan or nag about his past/current behaviour (though I personally think you have a right to!): simply put forward a plan which is as fullproof as you possibly can. The plan could include some of the suggestions mentioned here (the housekeeping money, the joint AC for bills etc). Make it so darn sensible that he can't say no. You can always use the new year as an 'excuse' for bringing this up.

Hope stuff gets sorted out and good luck with the new year!!

belfastgirl23

Hi Sarah, just to say it sounds to me like there's another problem here and I have to say I recognise it cos I know it's something I do too From your posts it's clear that you want to keep your husband happy. I suppose everyone does, fair enough. But the question is how far are you prepared to sacrifice your happiness for his. I'm not being prescriptive on this, I know it varies in different relationships. So I suppose the bigger question for you is, are you unhappy enough now to make it worth weathering the storm of disapproval that will come your way if you try to change things? If you decide that how things are now is better then you have to find a way to live with them. I know there are things I now laugh about with DH that drove me insane when we first got together, I've just adjusted to them.

That said it doesn't seem fair to me at the minute but then relationships don't always have to be fair in every detail...but you are currently driving yourself mad worrying about this. Either do something about it or learn to live with it...sorry that isn't meant to sound as harsh as it does, it's just born of long experience .... if I keep worrying about something I know I'm not going to do anything about it drives me bananas and makes me really unhappy....