I'm not a bank!

Savvy_Sue

sarahowen wrote: »

I don't mind paying for him; it's just the way my husband abdicates any responsibility for anything financial. Am working out how best to raise this with him...

I think this may be a key to starting discussions - really there is no substitute for talking to each other about this, as Margaret says. He does not want to make the financial decisions, so he leaves them to you, and until now you have bailed him out. If you prepare a list of where your money goes, including a list of when your debts will be gone with your current repayments, you can ask if he is prepared to do the same. If he feels you are being evasive why would he be open with you?

BTW, if it was cash he was wanting to borrow, I would make sure I never had enough.

Primrose

Sarah - I sense that perhaps you are not a very assertive person and find it difficult to stand your ground with your husband on financial issues. You have a young child now, and whilst you are complaining about your husband handling money badly, you are in fact colluding with him and quietly allowing him to continue in his bad habits by not standing up to him and stating your own needs. In a good marriage both partners contribute according to their financial ability and I think you need to sit down with your husband, giving him a detailed list of what everything costs and asking for a set contribution towards household expenses. In future when he asks to borrow money, just say "No". If he can't get his financial act together, sooner or later your marriage will run into serious trouble, so make sure you don't clear your own personal account out trying to bail him out. You may live to regret it.

conradmum

Oh dear, the more I read these kind of threads the less I'm able to deny my experience that most men are useless. Sorry to all the great men out there!

You're just going to have to keep saying no and weather the storm. When he says the nephew needs his 200, say that's fine, I'll pay my half. Set up a standing order for 100 into your nephew's account if you like.

I think you naturally want to find a way around this that's going to avoid arguments, anger and resentment and I seriously doubt such a way exists. You're just going to have to start making some rules for yourself and sticking to them. If you keep saying no to his unreasonable requests he'll give up asking eventually.

LuciferTDark

ceridwen wrote: »

...well Lucifer T Dark - I think thats you "kicked into touch" then. OP does have cultural obligations here....so theres no point in saying they dont have to support the nephew...obviously, in this context, there is an obligation - so a message to you is clearly:

:shhh: :shhh: :shhh:

Not really:D Although I do apologise to the OP for being a bit harsh (oh ok very harsh), it's really not their responsibility to pay for someone elses son to go to university whether they are distant relatives or not, if someone has a child they should not be abdicating in favour of a "3 times removed cousin" to pay the bills.

I do understand that Asian families are set up differently though so everyone mucks in but there has to be limits to how much you put in for someone else.

lilac_lady

If there's a commitment to the nephew it's a joint commitment. How would your OH like the rest of the family know that he doesn't contribute? I presume the nephew's parents tell you both how pleased they are about this financial arrangement so next time they do say "oh it's just me who gives the money, not my OH". Stop giving him any money, just give him lists of household and baby things he has to buy if he won't give you a fair share of household money.

Carmina_Piranha_3

i got the feeling that the nephew's education wasn't the issue - just that the OP is feeling skint and a bit resentful that she is left to deal with all the money problems by a man who isn't very good with money and possibly isn't interested in learning how to manage money. it's Christmas, she's got a new baby, the cousin is visiting and everything just seems to be coming at once.

although it may seem like an unnecessary expense to some of you the money for the nephew would probably be well within the OP's means if her husband changed how he deals with money or more things, including the nephew, were worked into the budget and the money provided by both of them over the course of the year rather than in a lump sum twice a year which hasn't been budgeted for.

sarahowen

Thank you for all your suggestions. I don't think you're being overly harsh, but it's difficult to hear some things sometimes. But I suppose if I really didn't want to hear these things, I wouldn't have posted on here, would I? We had another row today which involved £££ and his basic gist is that he doesn't have any to spare. I have paid the tuition fees but have refused to pay the money for the cousin to which my husband keeps asking 'What should I do?' or 'I don't know what to do for the best'. I suspect like most things, saying 'no' will get easier with practice.

But thank you all for your advice and your sympathy. It's been nice to hear that I'm not horrible, selfish or stingy for wanting to refuse...

speranza

What the heck has "women's lib" got to do with the fact that the OP is married to an !!!!!!! and somehow thought that having a baby with him would be good idea? Don't blame feminism for loser men and the silly women who marry them.


Edit: My post was in response to Gale, which was fine apart from her ridiculous understanding of what the second-wave feminist movement was actually about.

speranza

I'm glad I was helpful! But then I don't expect you wanted help, you probably just wanted people to agree with you. I mean, if every single person on this thread had said "you're being abused - leave!" would you actually have done so? Or even considered it?

To be honest, I'm really tired of reading thread after thread on here of women complaining about how crap their boyfriends/husbands are. He stays out all night and doesn't call, he gets drunk and aggressive, he's cheating on me AGAIN, he won't give me any money to look after the baby, blah blah blah.

This stuff doesn't happen overnight. Men very rarely start out being absolutely perfect, wonderful people and then suddenly turn into useless, uncaring bas*ards. So if you let your relationship get to the point where you're being treated like a complete doormat, do you really have the right to whinge about it?

And yes, I know all about domestic violence and women who feel they can't leave, etc. but these threads are not by those women for the most part. They're just by women who are in relationships with idiots who are probably never going to change as long as they're got their little women to pick up after them and wipe their a*ses.

The only people I feel sorry for are the kids who don't have a choice about what family they end up in.


Edit: sarahowen obviously decided to remove her response to me, but apparently I was helpful!

ckerrd

Not sure I understand any of this
Partner earns more than you but asks you for money.

As the old drug adverts would have it - JUST SAY NO

What would happen then