I'm not a bank!

Gale_10

speranza wrote: »

"To be honest, I'm really tired of reading thread after thread on here of women complaining about how crap their boyfriends/husbands are. He stays out all night and doesn't call, he gets drunk and aggressive, he's cheating on me AGAIN, he won't give me any money to look after the baby, blah blah blah.

This stuff doesn't happen overnight. Men very rarely start out being absolutely perfect, wonderful people and then suddenly turn into useless, uncaring bas*ards. So if you let your relationship get to the point where you're being treated like a complete doormat, do you really have the right to whinge about it?"


In answer to your question, do they have the right to whinge about it, yes they do. I think by whinging, as you call it, they can put their thoughts down. They can see if people think they are being unrealistic, often their partners are good at putting them down, giving them the impression that THEY are in the wrong.

Women in violent relationships usually take seven years to leave a violent partner. (And thats not a generalisation, margaretclare, its a statistical fact.) In that time they have to gather friends, support, and inner-strength. Somewhere along the line, somehow, sometimes we can help on here. Sometimes we offend people - I think we can say we both have done that - but generally (sorry margaretclare) we give support to these women. They don't deserve our scorn, they deserve our help. As Martin says "Pls be nice to all MoneySavers."

Rightly or wrongly, thats what we are trying to do.

Gale

sarahowen

This has suddenly started to get personal, so why don't we veer back on topic towards the Moneysaving side of things?

I am finding it difficult to say no to my husband's requests for money and as with most things like this, there probably are deeper issues we need to sort out, but as far as the board goes, we should try and focus on the money saving side of things.

I suppose it would help if I could tighten my belt as far as other expenses are concerned - I did keep a spending diary but found that I wasn't doing much with the information I gathered.

Any tips?

belfastgirl23

Hi Sarah, sorry been off doing Xmas so missed out on this thread developing

Really pleased to hear you've taken your first stand, I think it's always the hardest.

I'm wondering if your husband knows how tight things are for you. If you've been putting up with it and keeping quiet then he's been able to turn a blind eye. I know you aren't keen to go over all of your expenditure with him so why not just go through joint expenditure for the last year. Where you've made MS changes I'd first of all show him the bigger figure, then when he starts to panic tell him you've reduced it. Then you can present him with a series of options - I'd choose whatever ones will least appeal to him - eg getting a lodger or him buying his own food or getting rid of sky tv or whatever. When he objects I'd ask if he has any other solutions cos the money just isn't going around at the minute. Ideally he'll identify himself that he needs to pay more in...if not then I'd nudge the conversation that way.

But again, if he's earning £400 a month more than you then where is it all going?

Anyway the only other thing I have to say is that I really admire you both for taking on the support of your nephew. I actually think that's hopeful in one way, that your husband in principle does believe in supporting family members. Might be worth very gently helping him to see that he isn't currently doing that with your DD.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Scarlett1

sarah does your hubby pay you back when he borrows from you ? if he doesnt then start asking him for it and then he might think twice before asking you, maybe he should be straight with his family and tell them that he doesnt have the money and he has his own immediate family to think of that comes first

Oldernotwiser

Sorry if I've missed this, although I have read nearly all of this thread but why do you need to help with your nephew's university fees? I appreciate the cultural issues (to some extent) but there are financial arrangements in place (loans) that should make this uneccessary. Has he not told you this? If you're trying to save him from taking out his loan for fees then this is just plain daft; you're running up expensive credit card debts whereas a loan for university fees would be only at the rate of inflation and only repaid when the nephew was earning good money.

I also must agree with what others have written; what is your husband spending his earnings on? This seems to me to be the most important issue here.

Js_Other_Half

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

but there are financial arrangements in place (loans) that should make this uneccessary. Has he not told you this? If you're trying to save him from taking out his loan for fees then this is just plain daft; you're running up expensive credit card debts whereas a loan for university fees would be only at the rate of inflation and only repaid when the nephew was earning good money.

My understanding of this is that the nephew lives abroad where no help is offered with third level education.

Oldernotwiser

Js_Other_Half wrote: »

My understanding of this is that the nephew lives abroad where no help is offered with third level education.

Thanks for explaining, I must have missed that bit when I read the thread.

liney

You dont need Money Saving tips, you need a an overhaul of your (both) of your finances. Your husband has £100 per week more than you, does not pay for anything towards your child, and asks you for extra money. What does he actually do for you, because financially you are struggling as a single parent without any goverment support.

Surely, logically you would be have your wages paid into one account, have the bill money and your other commitments (univ fees etc) deducted, and the surplass split/saved.

This is not your problem to solve on your own, it is your problem as a couple and need addressing.

Carmina_Piranha_3

sorry if you've already answered - but WHAT does your husband spend his money on? that might be a problem. is he an alcoholic, does he have an expensive drug habit? is he addicted to gambling/paying prostitutes/keeping a secret mistress or other children etc?

maybe he's in some debt himself but isn't ready to face it yet. good luck with talking to him.

sarahowen

He has a loan that he is paying off of about £200 per month and the rest just gets spent on things like his car, mobile phone bill etc... The loan should finish in March, I think, so things will probably be a bit better then. I realise that the best solution would be to sit down and sort this out together but any time I mention the fact that I need more money or that I don't have a lot, he just tells me that he doesn't either.

I ended up paying my nephew's fees but not giving him money for the cousin.