I'm not a bank!

sarahowen

Some practical advice would really be appreciated. My husband keeps asking to borrow money from me, varying amounts and the truth is I often have to go without to give it to him.

He's just asked to borrow £100 to give to a cousin of his who is visiting and has also told me that he won't be able to pay £200 that we send to our nephew every six month's or so for his tuition fees which I paid the last time.

We had a baby 11 months ago and I had to go back to work when she was four months old because we didn't have enough money to live despite his repeated assurances that he would provide for us when we started a family. I don't really mind being back at work, and we do halve our utility bills etc... but I earn £200 less that I used to before the baby and I pay for all the food, toiletries, cleaning stuff and stuff for our daughter.

How can I get him to realise that he can't keep touching me up for the odd tenner for petrol all the time? I just can't afford to keep giving him money which I never see again and I'm sick of worrying about whether his share of the household bill money has gone into the account or not...

Sola

He's not going to realise until you say No you haven't got it. Write out all your bills and income, and present it to him so he can see it in black and white. In fact work it out so all the bills are split equally and ask him for MORE money.

Gale_10

This situation shows why womens lib doesn't work. Forty years ago, you would be at home and looking after your baby. Your husband would be working to support you.

Now with equal rights, you work, you look after the baby, you do everything. He brings home some wages and scrounges off you.

Forget showing him what you have and what your expenditure is, work out how much you do and what it would cost him to hire someone to do what you do. Then ask him how much housekeeping he is going to give you. Don't forget how much it would cost him to pay someone to produce some offspring for him!

Seriously, he is really taking you for a ride. Tell him to find his own money.

Be very careful to keep your finances separate from his, since everything is half and half. When you split up if he has run up huge debts you will be liable for half of them.
I say when you split up because unless he seriously changes his ways you wont put up with him for very long.

Please think of your child. If its a boy he will grow up thinking that what your husband does is the right way to treat the women he loves. If its a girl then this is the way she is going to be treated by her husband.

Any problems, PM me,

Gale

ceridwen

I believe it would be possible to get a direct debit set up from his salary into an account of your choice to cover his share of the bills/etc (perhaps you could put the suggestion to him under the guise of simplifying his life if he doesnt have to even think about it?)

For the intermittent financial "touching-up" you're going to have to harden your heart and learn to say "no". Whenever he asks just say "no" - no longwinded explanations about why you cant afford it. Just "no/no I'm sorry/I'm afraid not/no/I cant afford it/no" - just keep repeating variants of "no" whatever he says. Sooner or later it will strike him that he's just heard you say "no" a dozen times in a row and will be in for a further dozen etc and hopefully he'll shut up to avoid a bit of "earache". If he carries on and on regardless - then walk out the door - if need be walk out the front door. Sometimes its puppies that need "training" out of antisocial behaviour - and sometimes its "men" (not being sexist here - as theres undoubtedly women who favour the same behaviour).

Ultimately - the world is not here to give someone a "free ride" just because they'd like it to.

belfastgirl23

Alas you probably have to start by saying no.

I think you also need to talk to him about how much this is upsetting you. At least 'in principle' it seems he understands that it is important to support the family (if he made the agreement before then at least you've won the basic argument). It's just making it happen that's the problem for him.

I suppose I can't help wondering why he is in this position? Is he on a low wage (in which case do you need to figure out different financial arrangements??). Does he spend money foolishly? In which case he needs to stop doing this altho easier said than done.

New year is a good time for these discussions. I'd almost start by being a bit in the wrong in some ways. Say that you know this is how you've always done things but that now with the baby and all you're finding it a bit hard and a bit distressing and you want to talk to him about how you might change it.

I also think it's worth having solutions in mind if possible. EG setting up a joint account or setting money aside in a savings account for his cousin or whatever. You taking over his finances might also be possible but this suggestion needs to come from him and he needs to be willing to give control as well as responsibility to you.

Good luck. But you do need to broach it if it's getting you down this much!

sarahowen

We do have a separate joint account, so the utility bills, council tax etc... all gets paid. It's my own personal money that I don't have a lot of that gets used. And seeing as this is what I also use for food, clothes, my own bills, petrol and all my daughter's stuff... It leaves me a bit nowhere. And whilst I can quite happily say no to giving him money for his cousin, it's a bit more difficult in the case of our nephew who is relying on this money to continue his education...

I suppose it's just the way he thinks it's OK to say that he doesn't have the money for something and the way he just expects me to pick it up... Talking to him properly is something that can be difficult to do as we both get defensive. He seems to see any money he pays towards the house as some great burden that I've imposed on him, despite the fact I pay an equal amount...

do_it_today!

This guy needs a reality check!!!
Money generally is a v sensitive area but it sounds like you are going to have exercise your no muscle - which is uncomfortable but if things continue it will only get worse!

Good luck

Loobysaver

Are you saying that your OH doesn't contribute towards food/groceries or towards clothing your daughter? If so, this isn't on!

We too have a bill account but we also allow extra to cover food and essentials.

Any other money left in our personal accounts is spare cash to spend on whatever we like.

Can I ask why you also support your nephew? Does he not have parents to support him?

sarahowen

He does buy some food, but not on a regular basis. The last times he did a 'shop' was when his aforementioned cousin came to dinner. He didn't buy our daughter anything until she was three months old and then he would only do it if I was with him telling him what she needed. He does occasionally buy her clothes but they aren't always what she needs and sometimes they don't fit. He used to ask me occasionally if we needed nappies or formula but hasn't for a while.

We pay for my nephew's education because his parents can't afford to. My nephew really needs his degree so he can get a decent job because he'll be supporting the family soon. His father is retiring in a few months and has heart problems and there is no welfare state in the country they live in.

Loobysaver

sarahowen wrote: »

He does buy some food, but not on a regular basis. The last times he did a 'shop' was when his aforementioned cousin came to dinner. He didn't buy our daughter anything until she was three months old and then he would only do it if I was with him telling him what she needed. He does occasionally buy her clothes but they aren't always what she needs and sometimes they don't fit. He used to ask me occasionally if we needed nappies or formula but hasn't for a while.

I'm quite shocked by this. Is your partner on a much lower income than you?

I must be very lucky as my OH just gives me all his wages and lets me sort out the finances. As I mentioned before I set up a bill account to cover all direct debits and I transfer £400 to cover groceries and petrol every month.

I think you need to sit down with your OH and explain how you feel and maybe list out all your outgoings so your OH can see how much you have to spend each month.

Good luck.

sarahowen

No, my partner earns more than I do; I think about £400 more. He doesn't really approve of the fact I owe so much; a considerable amount more than he does, so I try not to tell him too much about where it goes, but equally, after he has paid his share of the bills, I don't hassle him about his money...

I'm guessing that this must be the wrong approach...