Finances in Married Relationship - Should Spouses Support Each Other?

maman

We are married and share 50 /50 but I'm 100 % certain that either of us would support the other if needed.

I would question though whether the options outlined are the only ones available. It seems odd that Partner A can have a £60K job and then can only find a low paid job or retrain. 🤔 I'd like to hear Partner B's side of the story before coming to a decision. 

mark_cycling00

A binary "good/bad" answer may not be that useful.

Perhaps look at why the behaviour is happening, generally it's best to assume that everyone is a good person but has quirks and fears from their childhood or inherited behaviour. Let's consider some options.

Person B.
1. This is how their parents behaved
2. They had a very tough period in their life when noone helped them and they don't see the logic in handing out money to others when there's a problem to overcome
3. They have no empathy. If this was the case you'd probably be writing about lots of examples, so I don't think this is true
4. They're a psychopath. Always worth assessing your partner against the Hare checklist just in case, but as above you'd have lots of examples, so probably not true

Person A
1. You catastrophise. You lose job therefore your career must be over, you'll never work again etc etc. Panic panic 
2. This is your parents behaviour or attitudes. Perhaps you currently have a stressful private sector job and you're going to retain for something nice and sensible like teaching or the NHS which is what your parents did
3. Asking the question in the way you do isn't really a good personality trait. You haven't really explained how B feels or they're reasoning. Maybe you always got your own way growing up.
Maybe you're a very sensitive person or find it difficult to express your emotions to your partner so you've come to an internet forum instead.

It's probably best you don't reply to this but have a think about the reasons why you are both behaving as you are. 

bobbidyboo

comeandgo said:

I question why person A is not capable of getting another job with suitable salary.  I would never expect my spouse to financially support me, I’ve always made sure I can look after myself.

The market partner A was in before has dried up due to changing times. To get a job with a similar salary would mean years of re-training during which time on low wage.

bobbidyboo

maman said:

It seems odd that Partner A can have a £60K job and then can only find a low paid job or retrain. 

The market that partner A was in no longer exists due to changing times hence the job loss & need to requalify in something different. Those are the options available. I understand your skepticism but it's probably more common than most people think

bobbidyboo

mark_cycling00 said:

A binary "good/bad" answer may not be that useful.

Perhaps look at why the behaviour is happening, generally it's best to assume that everyone is a good person but has quirks and fears from their childhood or inherited behaviour. Let's consider some options.

Person B.
1. This is how their parents behaved - not aware of them behaving like this- it appears they supported each other, including while one was ill.
2. They had a very tough period in their life when noone helped them and they don't see the logic in handing out money to others when there's a problem to overcome - Partner B has never faced this, never had a serious health problem or financial worry and would get many offers of help in a similar situation due to family support / money / partner A (who would support partner B both with health & money even if it meant moving to countryside).
3. They have no empathy. If this was the case you'd probably be writing about lots of examples, so I don't think this is true - I mentioned finances in first post & health in another comment. I kept this post quite specific, but I do have concerns & other examples of lack of empathy. Partner B is quite contradictory but it seems only does things for partner A when it appears to coincide with what might help them. It's possible to go a long time without realising there are empathy issues until a problem occurs- as in this case.
4. They're a psychopath. Always worth assessing your partner against the Hare checklist just in case, but as above you'd have lots of examples, so probably not true - I will check the Hare checklist below.

Hare checklist: https://psychology-tools.com/test/pcl-22

Partner B has low empathy / high callousness going by past events. However, traits such as "parasitic lifestyle" some people are immune to due to family money.

Partner B score was 10 out of a possible 44: While there is no specific cutoff, higher scores indicate a greater likelihood of psychopathy. Going by this doesn't appear to be a psychopath. I wonder if empathy can only be felt by people who have actually been through the same.

Person A

1. You catastrophise. You lose job therefore your career must be over, you'll never work again etc etc. Panic panic - not true. Keen to re-qualify & get back to work.
2. This is your parents behaviour or attitudes. Perhaps you currently have a stressful private sector job and you're going to retain for something nice and sensible like teaching or the NHS which is what your parents did - job wasn't particularly stressful. Liked it. Market dried up due to changing times and job no longer exists. Need to re-qualify in something new or take a lower pay in something that doesn't require re-training. It's a more common situation than you think
3. Asking the question in the way you do isn't really a good personality trait. You haven't really explained how B feels or they're reasoning. Maybe you always got your own way growing up. - Sorry if the way I asked it sounds bad- simply trying to stay factual with events to get accurate perspectives. Didn't always get my own way. Worked since a very young age. Came from a family without much money. Asked Partner B for their reasoning, they said "I don't want to be a sugar babe" & "why should I be punished for earning more?", "I have enough pressure, I can't take your problems as well" etc. Reading between the lines it seems like partner B sees partner A as older and therefore should be immune to bad stuff like this. Partner B feels it's unfair to have to support A to retrain, or to have to pay more rent just because A took a pay cut. Partner B sees money as separate for each person in a marriage.

Maybe you're a very sensitive person or find it difficult to express your emotions to your partner so you've come to an internet forum instead. - Partner A doesn't find it hard to express emotion & has expressed all of this to partner B. I'm here asking for perspectives trying to stick to facts & quotes

It's probably best you don't reply to this but have a think about the reasons why you are both behaving as you are. 

Firstly, apologies for long post- a lot of points to get through. Answers are in bold, questions in normal, hope that's clearer.

Partner A has thought about why Partner B would be reacting this way. It is quite hard to get a conversation with B as outside work is either out with friends drinking / clubbing or too tired to converse properly - when tired B simply acts defensively. B isn't very open with thoughts or talking. That's also why I'm here asking for perspectives. It's true that I didn't provide details on feelings / reasoning but that was because that would make the post exessively long & I didn't want to skew the result, but can answer any questions.

I've answered your questions above. Happy to answer any more.

I'm guessing selfishness / narcissistic or "psychopathic" traits as you mentioned is on a scale and it's possible that people don't know their partners might behave this way until something bad happens to either one. Apparently if someone only shows low empathy, but few other traits, they're low on the scale. Partner A loves B and doesn't want to leave. It's a shock either way, when the partner behaves this way.

Thanks for genuine perspectives. Happy to answer any questions here

bobbidyboo

Input appreciated. Thanks for the perspectives... going by the first responses it sounded like partner B was in the wrong, but later on the responses became more questionable - some people saying partners shouldn't have to support each other financially regardless of what happens in life. I see this isn't a clear cut topic & different people have very different views. I know this isn't a massive quantity of the population but it's helpful in some ways. I wish it were possible to get the views of a significant quantity of the population on whether partners should support each other financially / healthwise at any point or not. I wonder if those who opt not might have not experienced being in a vulnerable position themselves.

The marriage vows we all take make it clear that it involves this kind of support through bad times, but it seems a lot of people might say those vows without thinking about what they're saying, or perhaps they mean it but then change their minds when the time comes

prettyandfluffy

One of the most important words in marriage is COMPROMISE.  If partners cannot or will not work together to find solutions that work for both of them, I don't think the relationship has a future.

bobbidyboo

prettyandfluffy said:

One of the most important words in marriage is COMPROMISE.

Compromise doesn't seem to be a problem in this case, having analysed it all I think it's empathy that's the main problem

Pollycat

I don't think there's much of anything in this relationship.
Over the years, me and my OH have both been the highest earner but it's not made any difference.
When I had 2 operations, OH looked after me and made sure I had everything I needed.
Partner B sounds incredibly selfish.
He/she expects partner A to still pay £1000 pm rent whether earning £9k or £20k.
Have they even thought how impossible that would be on £9k pa?

bobbidyboo

Update: Partner B went out drinking, did a 180 and agreed to support partner A either on 9k or 20k. This is groundbreaking.

However, 24 hrs later (after more drinks with friends), partner B did another 180 and is saying partner A's expectancy of support is "toxic". Specific examples of what partner B says is toxic are below:

- Partner B should always be able to drink with friends regardless of Partner A's health, should never need looking after.
- having to support partner A in current situation is toxic when partner A cannot currently support partner B if B loses job at same time.
- partner B says A should be grateful for not being charged rent while visiting B when they were dating (B was getting rent paid by parents while A had own home & mortgage at the time, both would visited each other)

B now wants to end the marriage because "I dated an older person because I like to be taken care of or at least be equal"

All of this is just so out of character for B - it totally contradicts marriage vows & every conversation before A lost job. It just makes you question anyone you're with  Will they suddenly change when you actually need support?