Finances in Married Relationship - Should Spouses Support Each Other?

bobbidyboo

I could use some perspectives on this. Here's the rundown:

Partner A & B are married. A earns £60k & is 40 years old, B earns £50k and is 30 years old. Partner B needs to be in an expensive area for work, where rent for a basic 1 bed flat is £2000 monthly. They split rent 50/50.

Partner A loses their job and is faced with this decision: 

1. Earn £9k per year for 5 years while re-qualifying for a £60k per year job

2. Earn £20k per year immediately with no option to re-qualify or move up the payscale.

However, partner B is not willing to support partner A financially in either of these options, and still wants to split rent 50/50.

Partner B would rather they move to a bedroom in an unsafe area in a shared house (£1000 per month) as long as it means splitting bills 50/50.

Partner B won't consider moving to the countryside where partner A can afford to live.

Partner B would rather spend their money going out to bars & restaurants with friends alone without partner A, and save more money for themself personally, than support A financially.

What would you do if you were partner A in this situation & how would you feel?
Thanks in advance

Sea_Shell

"What would you do if you were partner A in this situation & how would you feel?"

Like I'd been thrown to the wolves!!


That's not a marriage, that's a business arrangement.    

YBR

If I were _advising_ partner A, I would gently reflect back what I'd been told, and show why this is not reflecting healthy love in the relationship. Love in such a relationship is not just romantic love, but self-giving care for one-another. The way a couple work out their finances should reflect that underlying love.

While B may be acting out of shock - perhaps they are taking a while to process and respond to change - if that doesn't begin to resolve, B is acting like they're only in that relationship for what they can get out of it. 

It is only A and B who can decide how to respond, and their feelings will most likely be confused or complex. It may take some time so I would only advise A to find someone they can trust, who is good at listening, to support them in working through the situation.

Flugelhorn

If I was A I would find person C fairly quickly, person B is not one in the marriage for the long term.

I wonder if person B has ever considered what happens in marriages where one half is ill and the other half has to keep the show on the road singlehandedly? No probably not, but that is what it is all about - supporting each other

retiringtoosoon

Are you sure it’s a marriage?

elsien

Putting the finances aside for a moment, what else does partner be given to the relationship/what does partner A get from it?
Or in other words, finances aside, is this relationship worth trying to save? 

bobbidyboo

elsien said:

finances aside, is this relationship worth trying to save? 

Thanks to all for your perspectives.

Putting finances & health aside, the relationship is amazing, the best, when everything is going well in life (most of the time). Both are there for each other when a small amount of bad stuff happens, but when there is something major or lots of bad stuff simultaneously, it gets too much for partner B.

Similar problem when it comes to health. If partner A has a high fever for 7 days, partner B will go to the gym for 2 hours every day or out with friends drinking or clubbing and has minimal empathy.

Sea_Shell

Surely the real test of any relationship is when things are difficult and aren't "going well".

It's easy to swan through life when everything is tickety boo.

bobbidyboo

Sea_Shell said:

Surely the real test of any relationship is when things are difficult and aren't "going well".

It's easy to swan through life when everything is tickety boo.

I would have thought so too. In fact, if this had not happened, partner A would never have seen this side of partner B. Everything would have been tickety boo. I've noticed that most people I've ever known leave their partner in the face of serious health or financial problems. Finances statistically is the number 1 cause of divorce. I also know a nurse who works in a hospital and says frequently the families of sick patients don't want to welcome them back home because the family "can't cope". That's not just dementia patients but also the physically ill such as in wheel chairs. I wonder if many of us go through life unaware of this side of our partners because we haven't had a major disaster like sudden financial loss or a serious and permanent loss of health.

HampshireH

Sounds like partner B is extremely selfish.

* Won't compromise on supporting financially
* Won't compromise on location
* Won't support when I'll.

No idea of whether A or B have or would/could have children but presumably the view point is the same that they wouldn't expect to support (or be supported) in that scenario either.

I'd flip it and get person B to view from if they lost their job, they were sick or they couldn't afford the rent. What would they expect to happen.

Also if person A is earning £60k why can they not find another equivalent job.

comeandgo

I question why person A is not capable of getting another job with suitable salary.  I would never expect my spouse to financially support me, I’ve always made sure I can look after myself.