Husband retiring, getting him to help more at home

Pollycat

applepad said:

Pollycat

They boys will cut bushes and trees back, if asked. We only have a lawn in the front garden, I have asked my DH to show DS2 how to mow the lawn, but he says it’s easier doing it himself! DS2 has Aspergers and is ‘ Cack Handed ‘, think he is scared he will mow over the cable or something.

DS2 is at Uni and works part time, he does his own laundry, DS1 works full time, he walks the dog in a morning but that’s about it.
They both deal with rubbish, DS1 is responsible for emptying waste bins, inc kitchen and bathroom, plus putting grey bin and bringing back in. DS2 deals with the recycling, everyone puts recycling in a box in the hallway, he empties into green bin and puts it out/brings it in.

It sounds like your husband is partly at fault with the mowing.
He needs to delegate the job and point out what needs changing to get the result you and he are happy with. Why are you expecting DS2 to do it? What about DS1?
Even with a full-time job, it sounds like DS1 has it pretty easy.

I think you have made a rod for your own back for many years and now you expect things to change but are not employing effective methods to achieve what you want.

applepad

Pollycat said:

applepad said:

Polecat

They boys will cut bushes and trees back, if asked. We only have a lawn in the front garden, I have asked my DH to show DS2 how to mow the lawn, but he says it’s easier doing it himself! DS2 has Aspergers and is ‘ Cack Handed ‘, think he is scared he will mow over the cable or something.

DS2 is at Uni and works part time, he does his own laundry, DS1 works full time, he walks the dog in a morning but that’s about it.
They both deal with rubbish, DS1 is responsible for emptying waste bins, inc kitchen and bathroom, plus putting grey bin and bringing back in. DS2 deals with the recycling, everyone puts recycling in a box in the hallway, he empties into green bin and puts it out/brings it in.

It sounds like your husband is partly at fault with the mowing.
He needs to delegate the job and point out what needs changing to get the result you and he are happy with. Why are you expecting DS2 to do it? What about DS1?
Even with a full-time job, it sounds like DS1 has it pretty easy.

I think you have made a rod for your own back for many years and now you expect things to change but are not employing effective methods to achieve what you want.

DS2 is on holiday from Uni and work for the summer, he also does as little as he can get away with.

Yes your correct, I have made a rod for my own back, to be honest, when the boys were at school/college they did a lot more, but I was well then and I would delegate, and watch over them, which is hard to do when your stuck in bed.

My husband has always worked more hours than me and we had a ‘traditional’ marriage, I kept home and he worked, which was fine when I well enough to do things, but now I’m not.

Pollycat

applepad said:

Pollycat said:

applepad said:

Polecat

They boys will cut bushes and trees back, if asked. We only have a lawn in the front garden, I have asked my DH to show DS2 how to mow the lawn, but he says it’s easier doing it himself! DS2 has Aspergers and is ‘ Cack Handed ‘, think he is scared he will mow over the cable or something.

DS2 is at Uni and works part time, he does his own laundry, DS1 works full time, he walks the dog in a morning but that’s about it.
They both deal with rubbish, DS1 is responsible for emptying waste bins, inc kitchen and bathroom, plus putting grey bin and bringing back in. DS2 deals with the recycling, everyone puts recycling in a box in the hallway, he empties into green bin and puts it out/brings it in.

It sounds like your husband is partly at fault with the mowing.
He needs to delegate the job and point out what needs changing to get the result you and he are happy with. Why are you expecting DS2 to do it? What about DS1?
Even with a full-time job, it sounds like DS1 has it pretty easy.

I think you have made a rod for your own back for many years and now you expect things to change but are not employing effective methods to achieve what you want.

DS2 is on holiday from Uni and work for the summer, he also does as little as he can get away with.

Yes your correct, I have made a rod for my own back, to be honest, when the boys were at school/college they did a lot more, but I was well then and I would delegate, and watch over them, which is hard to do when your stuck in bed.

My husband has always worked more hours than me and we had a ‘traditional’ marriage, I kept home and he worked, which was fine when I well enough to do things, but now I’m not.

Why should your son do anything when he sees his father not pulling his weight in the house but instead going off golfing and eating microwave ready meals when you've not cooked?
It's learned behaviour - and it's not going to change without action.

I'm not dismissing your medical conditions but it is what it is and you need your whole family to step up and pull their weight. But that needs action.

Your thread title should read "husband retiring, getting him and our 2 grown up sons to start pulling their weight around the house".
They should not be helping you.
The house and garden is not your sole responsibility with you delegating tasks as necessary.

My husband of 35+ years made the mistake of saying 'I've washed the pots for you'.
It was a mistake that he only made that once.
Running a home is a joint enterprise.

Pixie_Cosmo

Hello, it sounds like you need a family meeting and an honest discussion of how things are. You physically can't keep doing what you were because you aren't well enough. You might have to be blunt and say it as it is - you can't carry on like this and you need them to step up, otherwise you will get very ill, and then they'll have to do it all anyway!

What chores are each of them prepared to take on? How regularly? Would a rota work? 

Would it work if you all create a weekly menu, cooking roster and shopping list together, then husband and a son go shopping for example? They might then realise how much mental effort goes into this sort of thing.

Husband goes golfing - what hobbies and fun do you get? Fair's fair 🤷‍♀️

I hope you can work it out. 

breaking_free

Pixie_Cosmo said:

you can't carry on like this and you need them to step up, otherwise you will get very ill, and then they'll have to do it all anyway!

^ This times 10

Mojisola

breaking_free said:

Pixie_Cosmo said:

you can't carry on like this and you need them to step up, otherwise you will get very ill, and then they'll have to do it all anyway!

^ This times 10

And they won't have a clue about what they're doing.

Get them started while you're well enough to teach them the best way to do things.

thorsoak

Your health is failing, you say - and it is likely that you will go first - so how do you think your sons will cope then?  You have to give all the men in your family a crash course in running a home.   Who will look after you if you become really ill?   Will they be capable of doing so?   Who will clean the bathroom?  The kitchen?   Will the towels ever get washed?   Who will prepare the meals?  Or even buy what is needed?    It doesn't matter if they boys are working/at college/and your husband is retired - they have to pick up running the house now.

Good luck xx