Husband retiring, getting him to help more at home

MrsPorridge

One thing I find that works is to say "there are two things we need to do - hoover and change the bed - which one do you want to do and I'll do the other?"

pollypenny

I'd have a talk on the lines of 'We've both retired, so we need to negotiate jobs to have an equal load. '

MrsStepford

Expecting your husband to start sharing the household chores now, is like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. I got my husband ironing his shirts the first time that he moaned that my ironing wasn't up to military standards, before we were even married. 

Collectively, women have made a rod for our own backs, by following the household management practised by our mothers and changes on the domestic front have happened too slowly. 

There are probably men out there, who don't know how to cook, iron a shirt, make a bed, operate a dishwasher or washing machine. They weren't taught how to do any of this by their parents and haven't been expected to share household chores by their partners. 

They don't see mess, they don't feel it's their 'job' to sort it out and they don't know how. They can be scared of doing it wrong e.g.feeding the pets the wrong food, putting too much detergent in the washing machine, burning your favourite top when ironing. 

Some men may think that their partners have the easy job, looking after the children, balancing household finances and conjuring up quality food on a budget !

If you ALLOW money for your husband's expensive hobby, he doesn't think there are any money problems. He needs to cut down on the golf membership(s), after golf drinks, number of rounds per week etc. 

applepad

MrsStepford said:

Expecting your husband to start sharing the household chores now, is like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. I got my husband ironing his shirts the first time that he moaned that my ironing wasn't up to military standards, before we were even married. 

Collectively, women have made a rod for our own backs, by following the household management practised by our mothers and changes on the domestic front have happened too slowly. 

There are probably men out there, who don't know how to cook, iron a shirt, make a bed, operate a dishwasher or washing machine. They weren't taught how to do any of this by their parents and haven't been expected to share household chores by their partners. 

They don't see mess, they don't feel it's their 'job' to sort it out and they don't know how. They can be scared of doing it wrong e.g.feeding the pets the wrong food, putting too much detergent in the washing machine, burning your favourite top when ironing. 

Some men may think that their partners have the easy job, looking after the children, balancing household finances and conjuring up quality food on a budget !

If you ALLOW money for your husband's expensive hobby, he doesn't think there are any money problems. He needs to cut down on the golf membership(s), after golf drinks, number of rounds per week etc. 

 We do not have money problems at the moment, and my husband admits that he’s ‘bad’ with money, but my health is failing and their is a good chance that I’ll go before him, so he needs to know how to budget and access the bank accounts. Also how to run a home.

I plan to have a weekly look at the calendar, and we already have a ‘shared calendar’ in our phones, he has already, not been ‘allowed’ a golf match ‘ because he failed to put it in the calendar, I find ‘actions speak louder than words’.

Also I plan to give him one household physical task, a day to do, if my health permits it, I will do one household physical task. He has already agreed to make lunch for both of us everyday, if he’s going to be out, he will make my lunch before he goes.

I have also started giving our grown up sons 21 and 24 jobs to do, the youngest already does his own laundry as  he ‘failed’ to put his laundry in his basket when asked, resulting in ‘months worth’ of laundry suddenly appearing! - which I refused to do.

Pollycat

applepad said:

MrsStepford said:

Expecting your husband to start sharing the household chores now, is like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. I got my husband ironing his shirts the first time that he moaned that my ironing wasn't up to military standards, before we were even married. 

Collectively, women have made a rod for our own backs, by following the household management practised by our mothers and changes on the domestic front have happened too slowly. 

There are probably men out there, who don't know how to cook, iron a shirt, make a bed, operate a dishwasher or washing machine. They weren't taught how to do any of this by their parents and haven't been expected to share household chores by their partners. 

They don't see mess, they don't feel it's their 'job' to sort it out and they don't know how. They can be scared of doing it wrong e.g.feeding the pets the wrong food, putting too much detergent in the washing machine, burning your favourite top when ironing. 

Some men may think that their partners have the easy job, looking after the children, balancing household finances and conjuring up quality food on a budget !

If you ALLOW money for your husband's expensive hobby, he doesn't think there are any money problems. He needs to cut down on the golf membership(s), after golf drinks, number of rounds per week etc. 

I have also started giving our grown up sons 21 and 24 jobs to do, the youngest already does his own laundry as  he ‘failed’ to put his laundry in his basket when asked, resulting in ‘months worth’ of laundry suddenly appearing! - which I refused to do.

When I read about your 'grown up sons' I assumed - obviously incorrectly - that they did not live with you.

Why can't they see to the garden?

What exactly do they do in the home?

I appreciate that they're possibly (or maybe not) out at work but it's likely at some later stage that they'll live with a partner.
You are not doing them or their potential partners any favours by letting them live as though it's a hotel - even if they actually pay board.

It's the 21st century - there should be no women's jobs and men's jobs.

belfastgirl23

First of all, starting with yourself is always good advice. What can I do and what can I change? In a situation between two people both have a responsibility for creating it. And you’ve also said this. So what can you change that would make the situation more liveable for you? What can you mindfully stop doing that you have always done? What would bother you the least in terms of housework tasks? Are there some areas where you can decide you are prepared to change your standards? And where is it really important to continue how things are? This is something that can be quite challenging to think through with yourself - e.g. my husband is now great about cleaning the kitchen but he never shines the countertops. He doesn’t see the smears and I’ve given up on this. If I want it cleaned to a shine I do it myself. 

The other piece is communication of course. My starting point on this would be a little different from some others. I’d sit him down and ask him what HE sees as the way forward. How does HE see it changing when he retires. You could also put on the table your health concerns - this is typically something really hard to talk about and I applaud you for acknowledging it - and say that you are concerned about making sure he will be able to cope as your health needs change. Which is true. You might be surprised at what he says and even asking the question will hopefully trigger him to think a bit about it. I’d also say that it’s worth preparing the ground a little - saying to him you’d like to talk about it before actually doing it, and being prepared for the fact that it will possibly take him a while to think things through so don’t expect miracle answers straight away. 

The good thing about a conversation like this is that you can get to a point where you create a situation you agree on how things are done and can then figure out the mechanics of getting them done. And there is something here about visioning your joint future - where it’s worth spending money if you have it and where it is worth cutting corners. E.g. with the garden the choices are leaving it as is, getting someone in to do it or him doing it. What seems like a better option to him? Too often the reach is to start telling people what to do and this isn’t always helpful depending on what your husband is like. Good luck!

applepad

Pollycat

They boys will cut bushes and trees back, if asked. We only have a lawn in the front garden, I have asked my DH to show DS2 how to mow the lawn, but he says it’s easier doing it himself! DS2 has Aspergers and is ‘ Cack Handed ‘, think he is scared he will mow over the cable or something.

DS2 is at Uni and works part time, he does his own laundry, DS1 works full time, he walks the dog in a morning but that’s about it.
They both deal with rubbish, DS1 is responsible for emptying waste bins, inc kitchen and bathroom, plus putting grey bin and bringing back in. DS2 deals with the recycling, everyone puts recycling in a box in the hallway, he empties into green bin and puts it out/brings it in.

pollypenny

OP, why allocate one job a week?  Sit down together and negotiate a fair division of tasks. 

SadieO

Your sons are adults and their only contribution to the household is to take the bins out, presumably one every other week? And you do everything else for them? Sounds like you have raised them to be just like your husband.

Mojisola

SadieO said:

Your sons are adults and their only contribution to the household is to take the bins out, presumably one every other week? And you do everything else for them? Sounds like you have raised them to be just like your husband.

This ^

We saw one of our important jobs as parents was to make sure the children were self-sufficient, competent adults, able to live independently and manage all household chores, including cooking good food from scratch.