Husband retiring, getting him to help more at home

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My husband is retiring in 5 weeks, he is 60 1/2 and apart from being type 2 diabetic, is in good health.
I on the other hand have various health problems, and part of the reason he is retiring is to help me, although taking me to various appointments already seems to be interfering with his golf commitments, and he’s only working 2 days a week!
He does not do DIY and does as little gardening as he can get away with, he does not want to pay anyone to do it either.

I have worked both full and part time, plus been a stay at home mum when our now   2 grown boys were at school, I have always ‘run’ the home as I was better at it than him, plus better at managing money. Although in recent year my health has ment I have been having problems and made mistakes.
I have tired talking to him but he just seems to think, I need to keep my mind going!?

Am I wrong to expect him to split things when he’s no longer working?

london21

communicate with him and maybe write down what the tasks are and how he can help more. 

turnitround

If he is only working 2 days a  week anyway then retirement is not going to make a huge difference. The part of your post which stands out to me is were you say 'He is retiring to help me'. 

I don't see that writing down what the tasks are and how he can help more will help. I lived next door to a teacher some years ago and she did exactly that, made a list of jobs she wanted him to do on his day off and she would tick them if if completed and complain loudly if they were not. I thought it was a very demeaning way to treat a husband/partner.

Does he not help at all at the moment? Is he digging his heels in thinking you are setting  those 2 days as days he will be expected to garden/DIY?
You say you have always run the home as you were 'better at it'. Could that be affecting his stance on helping you as he may feel you see him as incapable.
You need to sit down together and have a honest conversation about how you both see things working when you are both at home full time. If you have always run things then he may just assume you want to be in charge of everything. 

Talk to each other properly or resentment will start to build.

newatc

We've been married for getting on 50 years and my wife has always done the DIY and all the housework. However she has been quite ill the last few months and I've taken over some of the household duties but there are many she won't let me do because she, correctly probably, thinks I do or would do a bad job. 
On some of those we now do it as a couple where she does the bits I'm not very good at (or directs me if that's not possible)  and let's me do the labouring (or easy) bits. It's not a perfect situation for either of us but that's life.

On DIY jobs, we mostly get the experts in but we're in our 70s and feel we deserve that little treat. 

bluelad1927

If you feel that talking about it isn't working I'd be tempted to start 'forgetting' to do certain tasks that show the full value of your efforts. Maybe starting with the laundry of the golf clothing

breaking_free

bluelad1927 said:

If you feel that talking about it isn't working I'd be tempted to start 'forgetting' to do certain tasks that show the full value of your efforts. Maybe starting with the laundry of the golf clothing

As tempting as that is, it would be rather petty.
You've done the right thing by coming on here and asking for opinions. In your shoes, my next step would be to ask in other places (mumsnet, plain old Google) and see what other people suggest. None of us know your specific partnership dynamic, but by reading lots of different approaches you will be able to pick the one you think most likely to work. Best of luck.

jackieblack

This sounds like my parents, now in their 80s.  After retiring, Dad just expected Mum to do everything she’s always done because that’s what she’s always done. After some serious health problems Mum had to put her foot down and insist they get some paid help so they now have a gardener and a window cleaner but Mum still does everything else.  

Dad puts the bins out.

I’d say a frank conversation to establish each other’s expectations for what retirement looks like for you both is needed, sooner rather than later.

Resentment builds, over time…

maman

Conversation would seem to be the only way forward. Sounds like you'll have to be persistent though. 

You said that you've worked both full and part time in the past, so I'm assuming that at some point you officially retired from your paid work. What happened with domestic chores when you were still working? Presumably with DH still working and you at home you took on everything because you had the time? 🤔

DH and I shared chores when we were both still working so retirement has brought few changes other than that we longer have to do them at weekends. 😁

I'd approach it from the point of view that if things continue as they are then you'll never get a chance to retire like he is about to. You both should benefit from the fact that neither of you are in paid work any longer. I'd suggest you think first about the tasks that you find most difficult because of your health conditions and ask your DH to take over those. That would be a start and then if you still think you're doing too much push a bit harder. 

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turnitround said:

If he is only working 2 days a  week anyway then retirement is not going to make a huge difference. The part of your post which stands out to me is were you say 'He is retiring to help me'. 


Does he not help at all at the moment? Is he digging his heels in thinking you are setting  those 2 days as days he will be expected to garden/DIY?
You say you have always run the home as you were 'better at it'. Could that be affecting his stance on helping you as he may feel you see him as incapable.
You need to sit down together and have a honest conversation about how you both see things working when you are both at home full time. If you have always run things then he may just assume you want to be in charge of everything. 

Talk to each other properly or resentment will start to build.

No he does not help much at the moment, if I haven’t made a meal, he will put a ready meal in the microwave, he will take me to the supermarket, I can no longer drive, used to have Groceries delivered, but too expensive now, it’s not like he does not have to eat the food!

I used to work in a financial setting, in an office and deal with computers and paper work, so I took care of stuff at home. He thought I was ‘better with money’ I’m a saver, he’s a spender. I now have cognitive problems and find it hard to do the things I once used to find second nature.

like you said we need to sit down and talk about things. I have not worked for approximately 10 years, he’s been the breadwinner and I’ve done what I can, when I can, but I’m getting worse and things at home are getting worse, we are eating crap, the gardens overgrown and apart from the lounge, the house is a tip, but I’m sure he doesn’t see it. It bothers me but not him.

SadieO

applepad said:

turnitround said:

If he is only working 2 days a  week anyway then retirement is not going to make a huge difference. The part of your post which stands out to me is were you say 'He is retiring to help me'. 


Does he not help at all at the moment? Is he digging his heels in thinking you are setting  those 2 days as days he will be expected to garden/DIY?
You say you have always run the home as you were 'better at it'. Could that be affecting his stance on helping you as he may feel you see him as incapable.
You need to sit down together and have a honest conversation about how you both see things working when you are both at home full time. If you have always run things then he may just assume you want to be in charge of everything. 

Talk to each other properly or resentment will start to build.

No he does not help much at the moment, if I haven’t made a meal, he will put a ready meal in the microwave, he will take me to the supermarket, I can no longer drive, used to have Groceries delivered, but too expensive now, it’s not like he does not have to eat the food!

I used to work in a financial setting, in an office and deal with computers and paper work, so I took care of stuff at home. He thought I was ‘better with money’ I’m a saver, he’s a spender. I now have cognitive problems and find it hard to do the things I once used to find second nature.

like you said we need to sit down and talk about things. I have not worked for approximately 10 years, he’s been the breadwinner and I’ve done what I can, when I can, but I’m getting worse and things at home are getting worse, we are eating crap, the gardens overgrown and apart from the lounge, the house is a tip, but I’m sure he doesn’t see it. It bothers me but not him.

I agree you really need a frank conversation about how things around the house are going to be managed from now on, regardless of who has done what before. If your health is getting worse perhaps you (both) need to look at the budget to see where you can spend or save so that things get done that need doing. Eg you say it's too expensive to get groceries delivered - is the £3 or whatever charge really not worth it if it will save you a lot of hassle (and petrol!)? 

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SadieO

 Eg you say it's too expensive to get groceries delivered - is the £3 or whatever charge really not worth it if it will save you a lot of hassle (and petrol!)? 

it’s not the delivery charge, we used to shop at Tesco, now go to Aldi, our Aldi does not do click and collect, it’s only 1/2 a mile down the road, an Aldi shop might cost £100 where as a Tesco one would be £130! 

I’ve spoken to him on the phone, he’s at work today, told him we need to talk about things and he needs to help more, but I’m afraid it could end badly.