Husband retiring, getting him to help more at home

elsien

I think it would also change the context slightly, if you stopped referring to it as him helping you around the house. 

Because saying that he’s not helping you, implies it’s still your primary responsibility when in fact it’s a shared household, with shared equal responsibility. 

He can’t be bad at everything, so saying that you’re better than him is a bit of a copout in some respects. And cleaning a toilet doesn’t really require a great deal of thought or skill.

List of jobs. Who is doing what.  Whilst acknowledging  and that you and he may have different standards and there are some things you may need to let go. 

He’s probably thinking he’s worked hard all these years, and now it’s time for a bit of “me time.“ It’s not going to hurt to point out that you haven’t had a great deal of me time over the years either.

maman

Might it help if you worked together going through the house, a room at a time, decluttering and cleaning so that the house is no longer the tip you described. 

It's quite cathartic and when everything is straight, it's easier to keep it that way without clutter. 

Mojisola

maman said:

Might it help if you worked together going through the house, a room at a time, decluttering and cleaning so that the house is no longer the tip you described.

And follow that up with a discussion about whether you want to set jobs that each of you do every week or have a list of what needs doing and share them out on an ad hoc basis.

It can be quite an adjustment but if he's only working 2 days a week and hasn't already started doing his share, you've got an problem on your hands.

Do stop using the 'helping me' language - the chores are both people's responsibility!  What would happen if you went away for a week or ended up in hospital?  He's a grown adult and should be capable of organising a household.

Mojisola

applepad said:

My husband is retiring in 5 weeks, he is 60 1/2 and apart from being type 2 diabetic, is in good health.
I on the other hand have various health problems, and part of the reason he is retiring is to help me, although taking me to various appointments already seems to be interfering with his golf commitments, and he’s only working 2 days a week!
He does not do DIY and does as little gardening as he can get away with, he does not want to pay anyone to do it either.

He needs a serious reality check!

If he can find the money for golf, you have enough money to pay someone to do DIY and gardening and even cleaning if he's not happy doing his share.

applepad

Do stop using the 'helping me' language - the chores are both people's responsibility!  What would happen if you went away for a week or ended up in hospital?  He's a grown adult and should be capable of organising a household.

I have gone away for a week, they lived on ready meals and pizza, did no laundry or housework or home admin!

Guess it’s my own fault, made a rod for my own back and all that?

I would carry on doing it if I could, but I’m no longer fit, physically or mentally 🥲, need to stop with the keep going at all costs, or I will end up in hospital, not used to putting myself first

Mojisola

applepad said:

Guess it’s my own fault, made a rod for my own back and all that?
I would carry on doing it if I could, but I’m no longer fit, physically or mentally 🥲, need to stop with the keep going at all costs, or I will end up in hospital, not used to putting myself first

Think of it as doing something for him - there are few sights more pitiful than an elderly man, widowed and helpless at home with no idea of how anything works or how to even make a basic meal.

Starting at the age you are now, there's plenty of time for him to become proficient and independent.

prettyandfluffy

Another way of approaching it would be to put all the history to one side and simply ask him when you want something done, e.g. please can you run the dishwasher when you've put your mug in it? Please would you put the washing out? Etc.  See what kind of reaction you get.  It is very tedious to ask but for me, it's better than nagging and my OH is quite capable of simply not seeing things that need to be done.  I used to think he was ignoring them but I've concluded that he just doesn't see them.  It doesn't work all the time and I do sometimes get cross, but most of the time it keeps things on a civil basis.

Sapindus

prettyandfluffy said:

Another way of approaching it would be to put all the history to one side and simply ask him when you want something done, e.g. please can you run the dishwasher when you've put your mug in it? Please would you put the washing out? Etc.  See what kind of reaction you get.  It is very tedious to ask but for me, it's better than nagging and my OH is quite capable of simply not seeing things that need to be done.  I used to think he was ignoring them but I've concluded that he just doesn't see them.  It doesn't work all the time and I do sometimes get cross, but most of the time it keeps things on a civil basis.

Again, as others have said you need to stop framing this as him "helping" you.  Or as this person has said, asking him to "do things you want him to do".  You are asking him to do his share of the household chores now you are both retired.  You have worked just as hard as him over the years and are just as deserving of enjoying some rest and relaxation now.

At the opposite end of the age range I got slightly annoyed with my eldest son at the weekend as he was sitting reading while I was cleaning the kitchen.  He said "you just have to ask, if you want me to do something". I asked why he couldn't just clean something, anything, instead of waiting to be told what to do.  He said he couldn't see anything that needed cleaning.  I said come in here and look in the bottom of the pan drawer.  "UGH!" he said, and we emptied all the drawers together and cleaned them.

The fact is if they don't see you doing things (because they're out at work or school or golf) they simply do not appreciate the level of work it takes to keep a house running smoothly.  And they genuinely do not notice the dirt until it is pointed out to them and explained that cleaning will get rid of it.

TBagpuss

I agree with others that you need to sit down and have a discussion with him and it needs to be framed not as him 'helping' you but as the two of you agreeing how to divide up the shared responsibilities, including making the point that what may have been reasonable if he was working full time outside the home and you were working full time looking after the home, isn't going to work once he's no longer working / is only working part time.

I think you also need to discuss the fact that just because he may not be as good at something doesn't mean that he shouldn't learn .

On your side, you may need to accept that he will do some things differently from the way you would do them and that some things may not be done to the same standard .

Ideally , you would both discuss which things you each are able and willing to do, which things neither of you much want to do but which need doing, which things it may make sense to get someone else to do and whether there are things which don't actually need to be done at all.

(For instance, between my parents, who are now in their mid 70s my dad tends to do more of the cooking and my mum does more of the laundry , they both do vacuuming / cleaning, they pay someone else to do the heavier work in the garden (and also have, and are continuing, to gradually make changes that means there is less which needs to be done - low maintenance shrubs instead of flower beds that need more weeding,  smaller areas of lawn so less mowing, etc) Ironing is one of the things that is no longer done as a routine since neither of them enjoys it and so it's now 'as and when needed ' - for instance if they are going to a wedding or funeral or out for a meal, and need to dress up!) 

It's possible that you need to consider whether the discussion should be wider ranging - if you have limited means and neither of you is able to do things like gardening or DIY, is it worth considering whether moving to a smaller ./ newer proport y might make things more manageable for you both? 

It might also be worth considering paying for one-off help to declutter and deep clean, whether that involved hiring a skip followed by professional cleaners, or someone who can actually assist in helping you decide what to dispose of, and help organise what's kept. 

If you haven't already, do check whether you may qualify for any disability -related help - maybe check the benefits boards to see of you might qualify, this might help you to afford to pay for help with the tasks you struggle with and your husband can't or won't take on. 

sheramber

My MIL didn't work  but when FIL retired they split looking after the house. he was responsible for upstairs and she was responsible for downstairs. 

I had always done the garden with husband's help to move heavy items. 

He did all DIY- nobody else did it well enough.

He retired before me so was already looking after the house when I retired and we just did what needed done when.  No  specific jobs for each.