I have thrown my son out, HELP please!

suzy_g

sorry but i have reread the op posts, he on skunk , which make you lazy etc. and needs some help, and love from his family, the other bits about his taste in food etc , what teenager isn't fussy with food . where is he living now!! now he could end up in some god forsaken depressing squat mixing day and night with heroin addicts or crack cocaine then there really would be no hope , as hie collage would go out the window

shelley_crow

suzy_g wrote: »

sorry but i have reread the op posts, he on skunk , which make you lazy etc. and needs some help, and love from his family, the other bits about his taste in food etc , what teenager isn't fussy with food . where is he living now!! now he could end up in some god forsaken depressing squat mixing day and night with heroin addicts or crack cocaine then there really would be no hope , as hie collage would go out the window

psychosis, paranoia and an increased chance of pschizophrenia are a bit more severe than laziness.

As i understood the OP, the use of skunk has changed her son's personality. The main issue is not his demand for posh food for when he has the drug munchies but the fact that he has drug munchies in the first place.

As he is using skunk it's safe to assume that he is already mixing with a drug dealer to aquire this. If he is hanging around with heroin addicts then that doesn't mean he will become one, it's not an infection. The danger is the drug dealer who give hits away for free to get people hooked in the first place. Create the demand and the supply will increase ££$$ Now drug dealers aren't like willy wonka so i'd personally not like the chance of a dealer being invited into my family home, maybe that's just me.

I may be wrong but from what i read the OP hasn't thrown him out and turned her back on him but is still in contact. She threw him out to remove the risk to her family, he is an adult and can make his own decisions. When he's ready to get help he will, until then there's nothing anyone can do and that wouldn't be different if he was still living at home!

princesslizzie

My mum asked me to leave when I was in a similar situation (without drugs though) at 15. However I did recognise how cosy I had it at home and returned on my mum's terms.

This must be so difficult for you. Although you are making the right decision, it must be awful. Good luck.

Tiff_2

Hi caterina!:hello:
I'm sorry to hear about the difficult position that you and your family are in. In my humble opinion, the last thing you need is any kind of judgement being made on your decision. I've briefly read through and if I understand correctly, your interest is in getting DS some practical help or ideas.

Firstly, he should bet his child benefit if he is still qualifies.
He will need a written letter to prove his current circumstances, from you, stating that you are no longer willing/in a position to house him due to serious personal issues.
As has been said, he needs to go to Connexions and also to Student Services too.
Also a visit to Social Services Emergency Duty Officer should be a first stop, and/or their Adult Team.
He may also try the following as sources for help, although
I can't vouch for any of them hun...
-CAB
-Salvation Army
-Doorway - homeless charity between 16-25, available in some areas.
-Shelter
-Crisis
You can search online for your local contacts.

http://www.simoncommunity.org.uk/about_simon.htm

http://england.shelter.org.uk/policy/policy-7256.cfm

http://www.lhf.org.uk/Grants/OtherFunders

His gp can also direct him regarding his addiction.
I'm sure you've already got all this figured out so apologies for repeating anything.
As for being able to contact you, if he has no money for a phone call, he can call the operator and ask for a reverse charge call,in an emergency.

As with any help being sought from agencies, there'll be a lot of waiting around for him and even possibly some persuasion for you to have him home, but you are within your rights to refuse.

I hope some of this will be helpful hun. As others have said, being out in the real world will be a huge reality check for him. It's your decision and as long as you point him in the direction of any help available, I don't think you can do much more than that, caterina.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

wherediditallgo

suzy_g wrote: »

Sorry but to throw your child out at Christmas is terrible, he is you child, I am sorry but he doesn't stand a chance , in my experience children fair better if they are loved unconditionally at 18 he is still a boy, take him, back before its to late, and help to sort his life out. your his mother..

She's a mother to his siblings too. One of my friends had a son who was an alcoholic at 13 (having started to drink secretly at 9) & who went on to drugs at 15. He'd steal from her or his brothers & sisters, sell household items, tell friends when neighbours/family would be going away so that they could burgle them etc - nothing that wasn't tied down was safe. He was a nightmare - apologetic when sober, & frightening when he was off his head. His mother tried with GPs, counselling & advisory services - either he wouldn't go to the appointments, or there were long waiting lists to get an appointment in the first place. Even offering to pay for private treatment didn't make a difference - while he would apologise for doing something specific if he could remember doing it, most of the time he'd just give excuses or tell her to either prove he'd done it or leave him alone. The final straw came the day she was off work sick unknown to him & heard him threaten to kill his younger brother if he didn't hand over his birthday money that he'd got the day before. At well over 6', he towered over his mum who's only 4'8", & more than once she'd told me she was scared of hm. But when she heard her almost 7-year old screaming she ran downstairs, & was in time to see his older glassy-eyed brother shaking him like a rag doll & the little one had wet himself. She grabbed the youngster, picked up the phone & told the older one he had 10 seconds to get out before she called the police. She did call the police anyway because she was scared he'd come back & changed the locks the same day. He was 16. After she called the police, she called me then she sat & shook for what seemed like ages, until I called an ambulance because she looked like she was going to collapse & I didn't want the young one seeing that happen.

Ten years on, you wouldn't know it was the same person. He ended up homeless, then in various hostels, before finally getting a council flat. He now has a girlfriend, works part-time, doesn't drink or do drugs any more & is looking forward to going to college as he regrets not finishing his education. He visits his mum regularly, & while she's forgiven him she can't forget what he did. Neither can his brother. At 17, he's terrified of his older brother, won't have anything to do with him & refuses to be in the house when he visits, calling home to make sure he's left before he returns. Their relationship may have been permanently damaged.

Caterina is trying to get her son to help himself, but she hasn't abandoned him - if she wasn't interested in his welfare, she wouldn't be asking about how to ensure he gets the right financial support etc while he's studying. The only way to help the rest of the family as well as him was to do what she did, & I both support her & commend her for having the strength to make the decision.

novelli

[loving a child is unconditional, BUT that doesnt mean u should tolerate the situation!! Mum has clearly tried everything to help him, but it hasnt worked. She stil wants to help him. Why should the family have to put up with this sort of lifestyle??
Just because its her son doesnt mean that he has the right to abuse her and the home, as well as the rest of the family.
Yes she is his mother and she has just shown him probably the most valuable lesson he will ever learn. he wont realise that yet of course, but a time will come when he will.
being xmas time is no excuse not to follow thru on your threats. He also knew it was xmas time but didnt stop to think of the effect his behaviour was having on the family!!
he may have some issues or problems, sadley many teens do, but he is the one that has to understand this and accept the help before he can be helped.

being a mother does not mean u have to be a doormat and stand back and watch yours, and your families lives ruined!!
would u find it acceptable for a husband to behave in this manor and think that a wife should allow him to stay because its xmas!!

do u actually have teenage children??


quote=suzy g;7524469]Sorry but to throw your child out at Christmas is terrible, he is you child, I am sorry but he doesn't stand a chance , in my experience children fair better if they are loved unconditionally at 18 he is still a boy, take him, back before its to late, and help to sort his life out. your his mother..[/quote]

suzy_g

I never said she should be a door mat at all.

I noticed all the posts mention how badly other kids behaved stealing etc,
but this isn't the behavior mention by the first post?
first of all she should of told him no drugy friend in the house,

and as far as him saying what food he wanted, well shortly that's up to what ever she want to buy. for two years he has heard how he should leave?

he wanted the best cheddar? my kid get what i want to buy or can afford?

yes my kids are now in there twenty's i know how hard teenage kids can be but i would never threaten to kick them out.

and yes i agree about not putting up with abusive behavior from a husband im not his mother.

phoebe03cat

While I have masses of sympathy have to agree with susy g. Parenting is a very proactive process inmh. Values and appreciation, consideration, attitudes towards drugs and choice of friends etc form over many years of damn hard work and angst by the parent during the earlier years. You surely have to ask yourself how you have got to this extreme position, it clearly didn't happen overnight. You must have seen it developing. No one is blameless in a situation like this surely? While gaining support on here might make you feel better, in the long run it's not going to fix the problem is it?
Why don't you go to your doctor and seek professional counselling-in your situation it would be made readily available.See if you can persuade your son to go with you.If he won't then it will support you and help you find a way forward. There may be a local support network no one on here knows about. We all carry baggage from our childhood that others can see so much more objectively - it usually filters through into the relationships with our own children. It may be a painful eye opener to see how/what your son is really thinking but surely must be the way forward. I did it with my daughter, how she perceived things was a million miles from my perception. He deserves to be heard too, however painful. It would give you some common ground. It will need a shift in attitude though, the philosophy you put at the end of every post lets the rot in.

Keeping_Positive

Simple, having lived through something similar the OP did the right thing.

adouglasmhor

suzy_g wrote: »

I never said she should be a door mat at all.

I noticed all the posts mention how badly other kids behaved stealing etc,
but this isn't the behavior mention by the first post?
first of all she should of told him no drugy friend in the house,

and as far as him saying what food he wanted, well shortly that's up to what ever she want to buy. for two years he has heard how he should leave?

he wanted the best cheddar? my kid get what i want to buy or can afford?

yes my kids are now in there twenty's i know how hard teenage kids can be but i would never threaten to kick them out.

and yes i agree about not putting up with abusive behavior from a husband im not his mother.

He's 18 he is not a baby is he? It's her house and if he can't live by the rules he can get out, he could have changed his ways if staying at home meant that much to him.

She should have told him no druggy friends in the house?
She did, he still brought them so she had to threaten them with the police. Didn't you read that bit.
If a druggy friend of his had raped her daughter (it happened to a family I know) how would that have helped anyone?

PS when I was 18 I was doing hash and other drugs, but I didn't cause hassle at home and paid my way from my own wages. I didn't bring half wit wasters into my mum's house and give them the run of the place.