I have thrown my son out, HELP please!

Caterina

Hi all

This is partly to let off a bit of steam, partly to ask for help.

My son, 18 years and 6 months old, has a long history of skunk abuse (very strong cannabis), and after some years of bearing up with his rudeness, abuse and destructive lifestyle I had no choice but to ask him to leave home. I know it is Christmas and all that but hey there seems to be no right time for this sort of thing. I am very upset, same as his father and sister, we all cried this morning, the first morning we woke up with our boy gone. Please pray for him and for his safety in his future life. Thank you for hearing me out and for any kind thoughts and prayers you might have for him.

Now for the practical help question:

He is 'technically' a full time student, he is studying in a music college, doing guitar and bits and pieces of musical stuff (not very academic but it kept him out of the streets and out of trouble 3 days per week). He will probably want to continue this course as music is the only thing that gives him a sense of self and joy.

With regard to benefits: will he be able to get some sort of benefits if he is still studying? I was told that he MIGHT get income support and housing benefit but that this is not an automatic process, how can he make sure to be able to get benefits and continue studying?

I am asking this in the hope that he might want me to help him sort himself out, so if he does I would have some answers for him - I am fairly sure that we would not want him back at home, not unless he drops his drugs and druggy friends (and this is soooooo unlikely unfortunately!).

Thank you for any information you can give me.

Happy Christmas everyone

Caterina (very sad)

MissEyre

Hi Caterina,

This must be a very difficult time for you, and you are right, there is never going to be a good time of year to do something like that.

I can't help with the benefits side of things, butCitizens Advice should be able to point you in the right direction, and they even do email or phone consultations now.

Best of luck, x

Chollita

There should also be a student advisor at his college who can help.

Don't feel bad that you were forced to take this action (yeah, I know, easier said than done!), but you have to think of yourself and the rest of your family. He is old enough to take responsibility for his actions, and although musicians are famed for a druggy lifestyle, if he hopes to make a successful career in music, he'll stand a much better chance of doing so if he's not spending his life in a drug-fuelled haze ..

Gale_10

Hello,

Sometimes being a parent is a horrible job isn't it? You have made a really tough decision and - even harder - you have stuck to it. You may not feel like it but you have made an extremely positive stance here, and I admire you.
By doing this you are showing your daughter that this behaviour will not be tolerated, absolutely vital. You are showing your son that this is not what is acceptable to you, and that there are standards that must be adhered to, which again is vital, and it shows that you respect yourself and your family.

Saying that, its still difficult to do, I can only imagine.

Regarding his benefits, I would just suggest he makes an appointment with the local welfare officer which might be at the local housing office, it does depend on your council, you can find out just by phoning though. That way he will get accurate information.

Gale

larmy16

Hi Caterina

Big hug going out to you and I will put you, your son and your family on my prayer list. Not a nice thing to happen to you all at Christmas or indeed any time of year, but you know what I mean. x x

dixie_dean_2

Personally I don't see how throwing him out is likley to help but then I don't know all the circumstances. He needs your help, love and support more than ever. Hope it all works out and I'm sure it will.

michellemybelle

Do you know that he is safe at the moment. This must have been a really hard decision but I understand how you feel. I have felt like this many times and if i knew my son had somewhere to go he would have been out a long time ago. A very hard time to do this but its never going to be the right time. Its so hard being a parent and I know you will not be able to relax or not worry about him. It will be a good shock for him that you have actually been able to go through with this. The only thing is until he realises he needs help you can't help him. I wish you all the luck in the world and please keep us posted.

inmypocketnottheirs

Good luck. Tough love is hard to administer.

alm721

Can't really help but just wanted to say that I left home at just after my 16th Birthday as I was constantly fighting with my mum and was a bit of a wild child. She didn't exactly throw me out but I know she would have done had I stayed. I also chucked college shortly after which stressed her out more. It was probably much much harder on her at the time then it was on me. I had a great time. Managed ok and grew out of my rebellious stage. Settled down a fter a few years. Went back to college, then uni. Am now a teacher. My mum and I have a fantastic relationship now and are closer than ever I just needed to get it out of my system. Just wanted to let you know it may all seem bad now but give him a bit of time, Im sure he'll come round.

System

I went through much the same as you Caterina with my eldest son. At the age of 16 his dad got him a little bit of part time work with him after he left school until he went to college in September. He lasted about 3 weeks before he and a couple of other workers were accused of glue sniffing the stock. He left the workplace obviously but his father felt nothing but shame, before finally leaving the place he worked at for over 16 years.

At the age of 18 he left before he was thrown out when we found him glue sniffing in his tiny bedroom that he shared with his 6 year old brother who was severley ashmatatic. His brother was asleep in his bed at the time. He thought he could get rid of the evidence by throwing the aerosol tin out of his bedroom window but the fumes were overwhelming. There was numerous times he came back stoned. I couldnt get him out of bed in the morning and there were days he just didnt come back at all. It was the final straw. It broke my heart but all the counselling we had managed to get for him didnt do a thing and at all and we had thugs knocking on our door day and night.

It was one of the hardest things I had ever done but as a family we couldnt live like it anymore. He was a terrible role model to the rest of his siblings and he could have made his younger asthmatic brother really ill with the fumes. He went down the canabis path and also heroin over the next few years before having to 'dissappear' for 18 months for owing some dealer money.

Nearly 10 years later, he is settled, and free of drugs.

Unfortunately, you can only guide children as the path to take, you cant make them take it though.

Savvy_Sue

Caterina, I think that in theory Connexions should be able to advise him, as he's not yet 19, so he should still have a Personal Adviser. They should know about housing, benefits, drugs etc.

Also are you and the family getting support? Fam-Anon support families and friends of drug users, and there may well be a local support group. It may be particularly important for your DD to have support through all this.

And you might find the sticky on Drugs in the Family useful, if you haven't seen it before. FWIW, I think that tough love is the only way to go, but it is TOUGH! So have a hug.