My mum is trying to control my life

TBagpuss

Stop running things past her. Remind yourself that if she invites you to things, it is an invitation, not a summons. 
You don't need to share your plans with her, you can simply say "Unfortunately I won't be able to make it, but have a good time"

It will get easier with practice, and she will get used to the fact that you won't come to every single event. 

There is no way to change things AND not have her get annoyed / upset, if she thinks you should attend everything, but that isn't your problem to solve.

Also, if she raises it with you direct then saying something like "I'm not always going to b able to come to things - it doesn't mean I don't care about you or the rest of the family, but I also have a social life with friends, and other commitments of my own. If there are big events that are really important to you, if you give me longer notice I'll be more likely to be able to some,. but I can't promise I'll always be able to, and I'm sure you and other family will still be able to have a good time even if I'm not always part of the party"

Then stick to it. 

It sounds as though because you left home later and were the last to go, she's struggling a bit with getting used to you not living with her any more, but it's something she will get used to iver time, and if she doesn't, that is her issue to deal with, not yours. 

MikeL93

So there have been further developments over the weekend and I am just completely at a loss as to what to do now. I finish work on 9th June for a week and my girlfriend was due to finish on 10th June for a week and we have planned to go away to the lakes, her parents have a holiday lodge that they have said we can use. So our plan was my girlfriend would work an early shift on 10th June, I would pick her up from work at lunchtime/early afternoon and we would go straight to the lakes to start our week off. 

However, work have now given her the 10th off work so we are now going up early in the morning on that day, we checked this with her parents a few weeks ago when her rotas at work came out and they said that was fine. However, my little sister has now arranged to throw a BBQ on the 10th as her and her boyfriend are going on holiday on the 14th June and so wont be here for Father's Day. I have said me and my girlfriend wont be going as that is the day we go away and again my mum has taken offence to it and asking why I don't want to spend time with my family. I think in this instance she is being totally unreasonable as me and my girlfriend have had this week in the lakes planned since February and our plan has always been to go on the 10th June but now as circumstances have changed we are going up earlier in that day than we originally planned.

I don't know what to do anymore as I feel like every single time I make plans I have to run it by my mum to make sure it is okay with her.

silvercar

MikeL93 said:

I don't know what to do anymore as I feel like every single time I make plans I have to run it by my mum to make sure it is okay with her.

And this will continue until you make a stand. 

elsien

It’s very simple. 

“Sorry mum, I can’t come because I’d already made other arrangements. If little sis changed the BBQ to x date I could be there, but otherwise I hope you all have a great time.” 

gwynlas

Your prebooked holiday trumps your sisters last minute bbq even though it is a family property you are going to. Give your father a call on the actual day.

RAS

Suggest to your little sister that next time she wants to change plans that include you, she checks with you before talking to mum?

Part tongue in cheek, partly really.

Even if GF wasn't finishing early, there's no way you could barbeque and get to the lodge at a decent time.

If you are not careful you'll lose GF as well as having aggro with family. And if the relationship with GF continues, you are going to need to keep her back for ever. Otherwise you'll have one of those relationship where you can't go for an anniversary meal because mum wants to make it a family meal.

Your mum needs to learn boundaries.

Mojisola

MikeL93 said:

However, work have now given her the 10th off work so we are now going up early in the morning on that day

However, my little sister has now arranged to throw a BBQ on the 10th as her and her boyfriend are going on holiday on the 14th June and so wont be here for Father's Day.

I don't know what to do anymore as I feel like every single time I make plans I have to run it by my mum to make sure it is okay with her.

If this carries on being such an issue with you, I think you should consider taking some assertiveness classes.

Your sister isn't going to be there on Father's Day because she has chosen to go away on holiday - has your Mum created a stink about that and told sister to cancel her holiday and come to the FD's celebration? 

Either she hasn't - so why are you being treated differently - or she has and your sister has told her that she's got her own life and won't always be there for family gatherings.

You are living an independent adult life - you don't have to run your plans by your Mum - and she should expect you to!

If anyone in the family wants to organise a family event, they should be asking everyone involved if the date is okay and be ready to accept that some people will have other plans and won't be able to attend.

Having a paddy about a non-attendance is a very childish, manipulative way for your mother to behave.

Pollycat

What does your sister think about you not being able to go to the BBQ?

Why does your Mum think a recent family arrangement takes precedence over a holiday that you've had planned for months?

I really think that if you don't put on your big boy pants and tell your Mum that she doesn't run your life - and isn't going to - ever , this will just get worse for you.

thegreenone

With the best will in the world, you wouldn't have been attending the BBQ anyway on the 10th if you were leaving at lunchtime. 

What would your Mum have said if you were flying somewhere?  Which I presume your sister is on the 14th, so that's okay to miss Father's Day.  

I hope you are recovering from your op. and go and enjoy your holiday.  Switch the sound off on your phone/s and don't read your family Whatapps unless you think they are really important.  

Sea_Shell

As much as we may love our parents, they do need putting back in their box occasionally!!

My mum wants to come on holiday with us.   Nope, not happening.  Might be relaxing for her...but it wouldn't be for us.