My mum is trying to control my life

MikeL93

RAS said:

To be honest, living at home does rather cramp your style? Getting the GFs inspected doesn't help either?

Mum's got a bit of empty nest syndrome? Why not talk to your dad sometime about that comment and suggest now is the time to go SKI-ing? If she occupied, there's less time for her to worry about her children.

I really do think she's got a case of empty nest syndrome, for family get togethers when I lived at home I was always there but unfortunately now there's been just a small handful in quick succession I can't go to as a result of things beyond my control.

gettingtheresometime

Whilst I appreciate you're a grown man and should be able to live your life your way, you may find it useful how to 'manage' your mum if you want to avoid similar situations in the future.

Look at it from your mum's POV (I'm not saying she right, far from it but bare with me) - you've moved out, you've become independent over night and now you seem to be choosing your things over family things.

(again I'll repeat I'm not saying your mum is right just pointing out as it may appear to her) 

so for your nan's birthday what I would have said is I'll see nan during the day and if I feel up to it I'll come to the evening thing ....even if you had no intention of going that might have placated her. As for the rugby, what about asking your dad along ? Again if he said no that's ok you've asked him...but you don't appear to have chosen your thing over the family thing.

as for her comment, I read that that she was worried about you.

finally we mums like to feel useful until we decide it's no longer convenient...so ask her do something little for you - doesn't have to be a big thing or a regular thing 

Wyndham

I'd be particularly worried by the operation instance. If your mum can't put your health over family gatherings, then her priorities are, quite frankly, wrong. And, you also say your nan is happy with your decision, which given it's her birthday, not your mothers, shows that she at least does care about you and can put your health first.

I don't think you are doing anything unreasonable. It is a change, and you both need to adapt, but if you don't make the break now then you'll be doing this forever, with growing resentment.

MikeL93

gettingtheresometime said:

so for your nan's birthday what I would have said is I'll see nan during the day and if I feel up to it I'll come to the evening thing ....even if you had no intention of going that might have placated her. As for the rugby, what about asking your dad along ? Again if he said no that's ok you've asked him...but you don't appear to have chosen your thing over the family thing.

The thing about my nan's birthday and me saying I'll see if I feel up to going round in the evening, I have since said that to my nan and she was fine with it but my mum still isn't. As for the rugby, my dad isn't a rugby fan and never has been.

MikeL93

Wyndham said:

I'd be particularly worried by the operation instance. If your mum can't put your health over family gatherings, then her priorities are, quite frankly, wrong. And, you also say your nan is happy with your decision, which given it's her birthday, not your mothers, shows that she at least does care about you and can put your health first.

I don't think you are doing anything unreasonable. It is a change, and you both need to adapt, but if you don't make the break now then you'll be doing this forever, with growing resentment.

The thing is, until the BBQ I had not once missed a family get together whereas both my sisters and their partners have for one reason or another over the years. My little sister's boyfriend didn't even go to the BBQ either because he was out with his mates but that's fine apparently. And my little sister and her boyfriend won't even be here on Father's Day but that isn't mentioned, I will be seeing my dad on Father's Day but then I have plans for the afternoon unfortunately.

RAS

Dad isn't into rugby? What does he like? Make a date with him to do something he loves, even if you hate it?

MikeL93

RAS said:

Dad isn't into rugby? What does he like? Make a date with him to do something he loves, even if you hate it?

He's into football and over the years I have taken him to football matches but my parents are the type of people who don't like doing things separately, they always have to do stuff together even if one of them doesn't like the thing being done.

Pollycat

Wyndham said:

I'd be particularly worried by the operation instance. If your mum can't put your health over family gatherings, then her priorities are, quite frankly, wrong. And, you also say your nan is happy with your decision, which given it's her birthday, not your mothers, shows that she at least does care about you and can put your health first.

I don't think you are doing anything unreasonable. It is a change, and you both need to adapt, but if you don't make the break now then you'll be doing this forever, with growing resentment.

I agree with this.

You are not the one being unreasonable. She is.
If she can't see that you will need to rest after your operation, she is being incredibly unreasonable, stupid and selfish.

Maybe ask her why she thinks it's OK for your siblings and their partners to miss family gatherings but not OK for you.

I think you are going to have to push back at her. And be firm. Otherwise you'll be at her beck and call for the rest of your life.

strawb_shortcake

As a mum, letting go is really hard. My husband seems to manage it far better than I. But, I know it's a me problem, and I have to physically work at keeping my feelings in check and allow my Son to live his own life. 

I think traditionally, we know or believe we are likely to "lose" our Son's to their Wife's family in time, and time with the in laws takes precedent over time with their own family. So we try to cling on as long as we can. With Daughter's there's that expectation we'll always be needed by our Daughter's so it's easier to let them go. 

I think you just need to stand your ground, but maybe give your Mum a hug or make an effort to see her or take her out now and then for a coffee.

Malthusian

MikeL93 said:

Wyndham said:

I'd be particularly worried by the operation instance. If your mum can't put your health over family gatherings, then her priorities are, quite frankly, wrong. And, you also say your nan is happy with your decision, which given it's her birthday, not your mothers, shows that she at least does care about you and can put your health first.

I don't think you are doing anything unreasonable. It is a change, and you both need to adapt, but if you don't make the break now then you'll be doing this forever, with growing resentment.

The thing is, until the BBQ I had not once missed a family get together whereas both my sisters and their partners have for one reason or another over the years. My little sister's boyfriend didn't even go to the BBQ either because he was out with his mates but that's fine apparently. And my little sister and her boyfriend won't even be here on Father's Day but that isn't mentioned, I will be seeing my dad on Father's Day but then I have plans for the afternoon unfortunately.

You don't know that your mother isn't moaning at them for non-attendance in the same way she is doing to you. It's impossible to be aware of every text message or conversation between them. When she gets annoyed at you is it always in public in front of your siblings?
Alternatively, it may be that she doesn't moan at them because she has accepted she can't control them and has let them go, which is not yet true of you.

MikeL93 said:

RAS said:

Dad isn't into rugby? What does he like? Make a date with him to do something he loves, even if you hate it?

He's into football and over the years I have taken him to football matches but my parents are the type of people who don't like doing things separately, they always have to do stuff together even if one of them doesn't like the thing being done.

At the risk of overreaching, I will bet a fiver that what this actually means is "My mother doesn't like my father to do things separately from her".
If he accepted your previous invitations to football matches then it sounds like he is willing to annoy your mother in order to live his own life as well. You seem to be the last one in the family to learn this trick - which is absolutely normal and understandable because you were the last to move out.