My mum is trying to control my life

MikeL93

I moved out and bought my own home last year, and whilst I’ve been living on my own I’ve still always gone to family get togethers my mum likes to throw every 6 weeks or so. I hadn’t missed one until a few weeks ago when my parents invited me and my sisters around for a BBQ however I couldn’t go as it was my godsons birthday that day. My mum got annoyed at that.

Now next Saturday it is my nan’s birthday and the plan was for us all to go round and have a takeaway with her and give her presents. However I’m now having an operation next Friday which I have to be put to sleep for and been told I need to take a week to recover. I told this to my Nan and she’s fine about it, I told her I’d try and see her in the morning on her birthday as my gf can drop me off on her way to work but my Nan said she doesn’t expect me to turn up less than a day after my op. I promised my Nan I’ll see her and she said that’s good enough for her. However, my mum is annoyed because I’m not going round at night and having a takeaway with everyone and she thinks I’m being  unreasonable when I said I’ll still be in pain and recovering and I don’t want to be in a loud environment when I’m feeling that way.

And now on Father’s Day my rugby team is playing in a cup game on that afternoon. I have spoken to my dad and he has no issue with me going watching it but my mum is annoyed because I’ll be leaving the family get together early.

I just don’t know what to do, I’ve been miserable for the last few weeks because of the way my mum is being. I have always attended family get togethers it’s just unfortunate that due to other things going on in my life I’ve not been able to attend. I feel like she’s trying to control me. What should I do? I'm nearly 30 years old now with my own life and responsibilities and I feel like I have to run everything by her first.

Mands

MikeL93 said:

I feel like she’s trying to control me. What should I do? I'm nearly 30 years old now with my own life and responsibilities and I feel like I have to run everything by her first.

If your mother is trying to control you then you can let her have her way ... or accept she is going to be disappointed with some of your life choices. 

That decision lies solely with you. She is never going to change, but you can absolutely change the way you react to her.

comeandgo

MikeL93 

I just don’t know what to do, I’ve been miserable for the last few weeks because of the way my mum is being. I have always attended family get togethers it’s just unfortunate that due to other things going on in my life I’ve not been able to attend. I feel like she’s trying to control me. What should I do? I'm nearly 30 years old now with my own life and responsibilities and I feel like I have to run everything by her first.

As you say, you are nearly 30, you have your own life to live, you don’t have to do everything that pleases your mum.  Are you the youngest or vulnerable in any way?  Sometimes mums can’t see that their children are now adults.  

MikeL93

comeandgo said:

MikeL93 

I just don’t know what to do, I’ve been miserable for the last few weeks because of the way my mum is being. I have always attended family get togethers it’s just unfortunate that due to other things going on in my life I’ve not been able to attend. I feel like she’s trying to control me. What should I do? I'm nearly 30 years old now with my own life and responsibilities and I feel like I have to run everything by her first.

As you say, you are nearly 30, you have your own life to live, you don’t have to do everything that pleases your mum.  Are you the youngest or vulnerable in any way?  Sometimes mums can’t see that their children are now adults.  

I am middle child, I have an older and younger sister but I was the last to move out and I lived alone for a while whereas both my sister's moved in with their partners.

Sea_Shell

Are you completely financially independent from your mum?  Or is that why she feels she can be disappointed, as she is subsidising you?

If not, I'd just say "sorry if you don't agree, but this is what I'm doing"

All you can do is become a stuck record.  Maybe she'll eventually give up and let you live your life.

MikeL93

Sea_Shell said:

Are you completely financially independent from your mum?  Or is that why she feels she can be disappointed, as she is subsidising you?

If not, I'd just say "sorry if you don't agree, but this is what I'm doing"

All you can do is become a stuck record.  Maybe she'll eventually give up and let you live your life.

Nope I am totally independent now, more so than my sisters. My mum goes and does their cleaning for them once a week but I told my mum when I moved out that I didn't want her doing that. Her and my dad had looked after me long enough so now it was up to me to keep my own house in order.

Sea_Shell

So you've been able to set boundaries already (cleaning), so you just have to now extend those boundaries further.

Good luck.

Exodi

Mands said:

That decision lies solely with you. She is never going to change, but you can absolutely change the way you react to her.

Sage advice. I agree, in reality it's very unlikely that talking to her would have a great effect (mostly due to the dynamic, parents are generally unwilling to accept advice from their children).

MikeL93 if you let it. If any of my family are acting a bit silly over something, I generally act nonchalant to it (and avoid arguments).

calleyw

I am guessing as you were last leave the nest she feels all alone now and misses that you are part her life.  That is her problem and she needs to deal with it.

You are an adult and NO is a complete sentence.  You don't need to explain, just get on with your life.  limit your contact. Not sure if your sisters are using your mum or they can't set boundaries.  But again that is their problem.

Live your life, enjoy and visit when you want to not when you are expected to

MikeL93

calleyw said:

I am guessing as you were last leave the nest she feels all alone now and misses that you are part her life.  That is her problem and she needs to deal with it.

You are an adult and NO is a complete sentence.  You don't need to explain, just get on with your life.  limit your contact. Not sure if your sisters are using your mum or they can't set boundaries.  But again that is their problem.

Live your life, enjoy and visit when you want to not when you are expected to

I think they are using her to save on housework etc. One thing I will say is a few years ago I woke up early one morning and heard my mum and dad arguing. My little sister had spent the night at her boyfriends so it was just me in the house, and my parents were discussing the fact that they never get much time alone together and I very clearly remember hearing my dad say "we've got a son in his mid twenties with practically no social life" and my mum replied "yes I know he's frustrating but there is little we can do" and that has stuck with me for about 5 years now. That comment really hurt me and I have never mentioned overhearing it but now I do have my own house and a much better social life it's not acceptable.

RAS

To be honest, living at home does rather cramp your style? Getting the GFs inspected doesn't help either?

Mum's got a bit of empty nest syndrome? Why not talk to your dad sometime about that comment and suggest now is the time to go SKI-ing? If she occupied, there's less time for her to worry about her children.