Legally marry and not inform anyone - official or family

p00hsticks

spankee said:

Just to let some of you know - Its not for any illegal or dodgy reason, no coersion or anything nefarious! Its more of a 'romeo and juliet' situation, 2 families with a long history of hating each other to the point of violence. Oh and we're not foreign we're welsh!

Thanks to those who given honest opinions and advice, I think if we DO get married it will be abroad or we just won't do it to save trouble. Which is a shame really. Because we love each other, and our families, nothing would make us happier than to join together with them all but we'd be on the 9 oc news. 

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I think in your case, unlike ours, the 'getting married in secret' is not really the problem. As stated here, it's not impossible to keep an actual marriage secret from the larger world, but what would be is the fact that you are freely living together as a couple, and without that freedom, IMO, the presence or absence of an actual marriage certificate is neither here nor there.

flossymcfly

spankee said:

Just to let some of you know - Its not for any illegal or dodgy reason, no coersion or anything nefarious! Its more of a 'romeo and juliet' situation, 2 families with a long history of hating each other to the point of violence. Oh and we're not foreign we're welsh!

Thanks to those who given honest opinions and advice, I think if we DO get married it will be abroad or we just won't do it to save trouble. Which is a shame really. Because we love each other, and our families, nothing would make us happier than to join together with them all but we'd be on the 9 oc news. 

What a shame how will it work when you live together (if not doing so already)? Will the families not have something to say about that?

FWIW, it's still quite common at Gretna Green to bring someone off the street to witness. We have a family friend who, we joke, hangs about there on her day off because she has witnessed more weddings than had hot dinners (in reality she has witnessed about 5 but still higher than the average lol)

I'm not sure of your age, but another way is to write a will and POA to ensure you both have a say if something was to happen to the other

theoretica

Being married is a legal status - so I am thinking of all the forms which ask you if you are single/married/widowed and ask you to declare you filled them in truthfully.  I don't think you can avoid them - but most go to faceless corporations and are then protected as personal data.

Silvertabby

This must happen more often than you think.  In my LGPS days we had a fund member who supplied a copy of her wedding certificate under cover of a long letter.  Briefly, she wanted her pension records to reflect her new marital status and her new nominated beneficiary but, under no circumstances, were we to change her surname on her records or to tell anyone that asked - including her employer - that she was married.  

We placed a free-format memo on her records (a yellow e-sticky) stating that details of her marital status were not to be revealed to anyone.  And switched off her annual benefit statements, once she realised that we couldn't do anything about them showing her marital status and beneficiary.

Never did find out why.

Malthusian

flossymcfly said:

I'm not sure of your age, but another way is to write a will and POA to ensure you both have a say if something was to happen to the other

And this raises another question - what happens if one of them dies, and then the other has to knock on the family's door and say "Surprise, we're married / in a long-term relationship and Romeo left his estate to me". Sounds to me like that would make the 9 o' clock news. Or if one of them was in a serious accident and the other wanted to visit them in hospital (let alone make decisions about their care). 
If all Romeo and Juliet want to do is sneak away for the odd exciting tryst and nothing more than that, they don't need to be married. 
If they want to live together, share finances, have a say over each other's welfare and lives, etc etc, their families are going to find out eventually. It seems to me that the longer they delay, the worse the eventual fallout is likely to be.
If they just want to go abroad, dress up and sing "Make of our hearts one heart" like Tony and Maria in West Side Story, but not have the legal entanglements of a marriage, they can knock themselves out. There is no law saying you have to get legally married at a wedding.

Sarahspangles

spankee said:

Just to let some of you know - Its not for any illegal or dodgy reason, no coersion or anything nefarious! Its more of a 'romeo and juliet' situation, 2 families with a long history of hating each other to the point of violence. Oh and we're not foreign we're welsh!

Thanks to those who given honest opinions and advice, I think if we DO get married it will be abroad or we just won't do it to save trouble. Which is a shame really. Because we love each other, and our families, nothing would make us happier than to join together with them all but we'd be on the 9 oc news. 

Thank you for coming back to update.

So the issue is that it’s inadvisable to have both families in the same room, in case someone thumps someone.  Afterwards you’re not planning to let on - but surely you’ll be tempted to drop that bombshell at some point?

What if you had children? Although a fight on a maternity ward is well placed for A&E

Rob5342

Surely seeing each other, living together etc is going to be much harder to cover up than being married?

onomatopoeia99

Malthusian said:

flossymcfly said:

I'm not sure of your age, but another way is to write a will and POA to ensure you both have a say if something was to happen to the other

And this raises another question - what happens if one of them dies, and then the other has to knock on the family's door and say "Surprise, we're married / in a long-term relationship and Romeo left his estate to me". Sounds to me like that would make the 9 o' clock news. Or if one of them was in a serious accident and the other wanted to visit them in hospital (let alone make decisions about their care). 

Not an issue in 2023, simply carry a next of kin card with you in your wallet / purse / whatever that makes clear who is to be considered your "next of kin" for this purpose, since you can nominate anyone.

Some NHS trusts even have examples on their websites you can download and print out.

Mojisola

spankee said:

I think if we DO get married it will be abroad or we just won't do it to save trouble.

If you don't, make sure you have iron-clad wills to protect each other.
Even then, the survivor may not be able to stop the blood relations organising a funeral and cutting the partner out which could be very upsetting.

elsien

onomatopoeia99 said:

Malthusian said:

flossymcfly said:

I'm not sure of your age, but another way is to write a will and POA to ensure you both have a say if something was to happen to the other

And this raises another question - what happens if one of them dies, and then the other has to knock on the family's door and say "Surprise, we're married / in a long-term relationship and Romeo left his estate to me". Sounds to me like that would make the 9 o' clock news. Or if one of them was in a serious accident and the other wanted to visit them in hospital (let alone make decisions about their care). 

Not an issue in 2023, simply carry a next of kin card with you in your wallet / purse / whatever that makes clear who is to be considered your "next of kin" for this purpose, since you can nominate anyone.

Some NHS trusts even have examples on their websites you can download and print out.

Next of kin has no legal meaning when it comes to decisions about care/treatment for someone who has lost capacity. 

It’s simply a nominated contact, nothing more. Anyone having firm views about decisions being made for them needs a health/welfare LPA. Particularly if there is likely to be conflict/disagreement amongst those left behind.