Help please with my ‘difficult’ Dad

ian16527

woodyt said:

We have applied for attendance allowance however that was turned down . I have disputed this but not heard anything. The original claim was sent in October and I challenged in January.
Dad also has severe hearing issues and vertigo, aswell as mobility issues so I believe he should be able to claim.
I don’t know whether it’s possible to speak to someone re attendance allowance as it’s taking forever!
I’m pretty sure he gets the council tax reduction.
Thanks

Does he fall or is unsteady on his feet with the vertigo?
My Dad got AA due to this.
You have to be very explicit on the form and emphasise this point.
At 89 he should be getting it 

woodyt

Yes his vertigo does cause him to fall however the past couple of months he’s been better since taking some tablets.
He was really bad when initially applying for AA so was spelt out on the form 🙂

Sea_Shell

woodyt said:

Thanks everyone for the support and messages .
So, I decided to send him an email as then I’d know I would’ve got all my points across (I know I’d get flustered and probably emotional if I’d said it in front of him!) plus it gives him time to digest it.
I’ve told him I’m struggling financially and can’t afford to buy his car and explained how difficult it’s been losing 2 months of wages when Mum died and limited wages over the past six months due to looking after him ( I’m self employed).
Anyway, half an hour later he’s replied saying sorry to hear about the troubles, don’t worry so much and you can carry on using the car as a loan 🤷‍♀️.

This sounds like he's surprised that the situation has you so tied up in knots.

Maybe try and take a step back and not "worry so much".

Sometimes elderly parents can be oblivious to the anxiety they cause, without meaning to.

Flugelhorn

Sea_Shell said:

woodyt said:

Thanks everyone for the support and messages .
So, I decided to send him an email as then I’d know I would’ve got all my points across (I know I’d get flustered and probably emotional if I’d said it in front of him!) plus it gives him time to digest it.
I’ve told him I’m struggling financially and can’t afford to buy his car and explained how difficult it’s been losing 2 months of wages when Mum died and limited wages over the past six months due to looking after him ( I’m self employed).
Anyway, half an hour later he’s replied saying sorry to hear about the troubles, don’t worry so much and you can carry on using the car as a loan 🤷‍♀️.

This sounds like he's surprised that the situation has you so tied up in knots.

Maybe try and take a step back and not "worry so much".

Sometimes elderly parents can be oblivious to the anxiety they cause, without meaning to.

Good point - they can lose the sensitivity regarding others - one of mine has become very me me me and is blindingly unaware of how anyone else feels. 
The loan of the car is the best solution as then there is no need for the other sibling to have anything

FindMyWayBack

Flugelhorn said:

Sea_Shell said:

woodyt said:

Thanks everyone for the support and messages .
So, I decided to send him an email as then I’d know I would’ve got all my points across (I know I’d get flustered and probably emotional if I’d said it in front of him!) plus it gives him time to digest it.
I’ve told him I’m struggling financially and can’t afford to buy his car and explained how difficult it’s been losing 2 months of wages when Mum died and limited wages over the past six months due to looking after him ( I’m self employed).
Anyway, half an hour later he’s replied saying sorry to hear about the troubles, don’t worry so much and you can carry on using the car as a loan 🤷‍♀️.

This sounds like he's surprised that the situation has you so tied up in knots.

Maybe try and take a step back and not "worry so much".

Sometimes elderly parents can be oblivious to the anxiety they cause, without meaning to.

Good point - they can lose the sensitivity regarding others - one of mine has become very me me me and is blindingly unaware of how anyone else feels. 
The loan of the car is the best solution as then there is no need for the other sibling to have anything

Solution, long term loan, no need for equivalent to sibling.....

pollypenny

Age U.K. are brilliant at helping people with Attendance Allowance applications. Enlist their help. 

CalJo99

Also, I recommend Carers UK - they have loads of gen on their site, and their forum is a godsend for both practical and emotional support. 'Difficult dads' (and mums, and grans etc etc!) are a speciality! There's nearly always someone on the forum who has already got the T-shirt you are now having to put on yourself.

You probably also need to start thinking longer term, about 'care in general', especially getting in external care to at least supplement what you do.

Sadly, many elderly people (especially those widowed recently), may just want to say 'Oh, my daughter will do everything thank you!'................

Getting them to accept external care is an art form - one advice is to have the carer arrive when you are there, and emphasise they are there to help YOU, and then 'gradually' back away to let them 'take over' over the course of several visits. 

You will need to pace yourself, and not get exhausted - you, too, are grieving.

Also, with claiming any of the benefits (AA/Carer's ALlowance) the 'default response' is to turn you down - they count on making it so difficult to claim folk will just give in and give up. You have to keep going, and learn how to present what they can't reject - again, Carers UK are very good at all that! 

All the best with it - it's a sad time all round, and it's good your dad has you, and, indeed, your sibling, further off though they are.

Carers UK are also good at setting out what is 'fair' when it comes to 'shared care' by siblings, especially if one is further away etc.

Siblings can be strangely absent when it comes to doing anything to help - and then suddenly reappear when your father dies. Remmember 'Where there's a Will there's a relative'...............

Maybe you can work out with your sibling a fair way to 'share the care' such that, for example, when you need to go on holiday, they take over for that duration etc.

Singlemummy_2

 2 hours away isn’t really that far to only visit every 3 months. Speak to your sibling and explain your situation and that it would be helpful if he could help out more. Even if he came once a month for a weekend it gives you some respite.

woodyt

Thanks again everybody so here’s the update-
I went and saw Dad and he was totally focused on the car situation and he didn’t even comment on my financial issue.
He said he wants to keep the car as that’s all he’s got to hold on to getting better and keep his independence (which I understand) but at the age of 84 and the way he is , I really can’t see that happening !
So, he’s said that he will pay the insurance, tax and petrol and any repairs that need doing as long as the car is in his name.
That would obviously help my financial dilemma however where do I stand with car insurance???
Its his car, so he would be the main policy holder but I would be the main driver- how does that work?
I’m a bit happier but still befuddled!!!

Sea_Shell

He (with your help?) just needs to update them that you are the main driver (if he hasn't already) and update the address where it's mainly kept.

I would have thought most decent insurers would be fine with that arrangement.  I'm guessing you're not a young driver 😉, so "fronting" isn't an issue.

Have the doctors or DVLA actually said he can't drive, or revoked his licence?


ETA - just bear in mind that if you get rid of your car, and don't insure another, you might "lose" your NCD in your name.