Help please with my ‘difficult’ Dad

woodyt

Hi there,
Over the past 3 years I have done everything for my Mum and Dad, keeping them safe through Covid and doing all their shopping and cleaning etc. My Mum’s health deteriorated over the past year and sadly she passed away 6 months ago. She was in hospital for a month and I went everyday ( with Dad) to see her.
Since we lost Mum, my Dad’s not been well and I’ve been his carer going in everyday. I have a sibling who lives 2 hours away who visits maybe once every 3 months.
I have been using my Dad’s car for a couple of months ( mainly to ferry him to appointments) as mine is on the way out and he’s decided at the age of 83 he can’t drive anymore.
I’ve asked Dad about whether I could ‘buy’ his car, thinking that he’d say, well all you do for me , here have it!
Well no, he said he’d look up to see what it’s worth, it’s about £1700.
He’s got over 30k in the bank and owns his own house.
I have lost so much in wages over the past six months dealing with my Mum’s death and looking after my Dad but he doesn’t seem to get it.
Obviously fellow sibling has none of these troubles.
I appreciate he’s still grieving (so am I) and he doesn’t feel well but how do I say to him look I don’t think I should have to buy his car after all I do for you.
Sorry for the long ramble but I don’t want to fall out with him but need some advice please.
Thanks

Lavendyr

I'm so sorry to read this. 

When you say your dad's not been well - can you possibly elaborate? It seems it might also be sensible to look into power of attorney at this stage. 

Have you explained to your dad the situation you are in? After all you did offer to buy the car - perhaps it''d be better to just put your cards on the table and explain to him where you are at financially. He isn't to know the situation you're in, after all. I don't think the way to approach it is "well, with all I do for you I should get the car for free" but rather "Dad, I'm spending an awful lot of money at the moment and I'd really be grateful if you could let me have the car so I can keep things going my end and also keep helping you."

woodyt

Thank you for your reply and I agree that after I wrote the post I should go down the ‘struggling financially’ line.
Dad suffers with severe anaemia so has very little energy and has become very doddery however there’s nothing wrong with his mental capacity.
He gets very grumpy and as I’m the only one he sees, I get the brunt of it.
I guess I’m a bit resentful of my sibling who doesn’t have a worry in the world !
Thank you for taking the time to let me know your thoughts, it’s really helped.

Flugelhorn

I agree - best to explain the financial situation, he may get the message that  you can't help if you haven't got a car.  

Agree it probably felt like an odd reaction from him - I would have expected a parent in that situation to hand over the car but I know not all families are the same and while some freely give high value items to others because they are family, others always want to see money change hands. 

Hope it sorts out - not easy for you. 

HampshireH

Sounds like you did offer to buy the car and he has responded accordingly to your suggestion 

Had you said to him please could I have your car because mine is on its last legs and I'm going to need one to continue helping he may have just offered 

I wouldn't be too hard on him. It sounds like he took your question at face value.

Rephrase your want/need and see how he responds then. If he then insists on payment that's a bit different. Hope it goes ok

Sea_Shell

woodyt said:

Thank you for your reply and I agree that after I wrote the post I should go down the ‘struggling financially’ line.
Dad suffers with severe anaemia so has very little energy and has become very doddery however there’s nothing wrong with his mental capacity.
He gets very grumpy and as I’m the only one he sees, I get the brunt of it.
I guess I’m a bit resentful of my sibling who doesn’t have a worry in the world !
Thank you for taking the time to let me know your thoughts, it’s really helped.

I'm interested in this aspect...

They live 2 hours away, so it's not really an option for them to be more involved, particularly not on a day to day basis.

Do they have work and family of their own?    Do they have a spouse/partner, what about their parents?  Do they have other responsibilities? 

How long have they lived this far away?    Have they moved only recently to 'avoid' the issues or have they been there for years.

Were they the ones to move, or did Mum and Dad (and you) move away from them, or the original family base.

What do you expect them to do, or want them to do?   Move back?   


As for your original question, it seems you having used the word 'buy' has maybe confused him.   I agree that you need to make your Dad aware of your financial situation, and be quite blunt that without you having a car, he's going to be the one to suffer.   It's only worth £1700 at the end of the day.   

I believe that even within families, there still needs to be some mutual 'back scratching' between the members of it.   Not just all take and no give.   Not in a strict 'business' sense, down to the last £, but within reason.   

Which of course, in relation to your sibling... if they don't 'give', they don't get to 'take' either.

I trust they wouldn't 'demand' they get given a gift of £1700 as well?!!   Or does your Dad feel that he has to be seen to be fair, regardless of who does what?

In the meantime, is he at least paying for the fuel whilst you are using his car ?

FindMyWayBack

I'll bet he still argues about a few pence too, it's the era they come from they have no comprehension about life and costs today, my Dad is exactly the same. I love him very much but he is very out of touch. Spell it out how much you have lost and what you have done, his short term memory may not recall all of it....try being direct gently...

ANGLICANPAT

Would it work I wonder to take a middle of the road  position  after explaining your financial position , and ask him to just delay the sale of the car  'until he's better enough not to require your daily visiting ' which would put the ball in his court as to how much help he gets - or would he be too stubborn and allow himself to struggle on without necessary help and put himself at risk?

woodyt

Thank you so much for your replies.
In relation to my sibling, he’s lived away for over 30 years . He’s in a relationship , has an adult daughter, doesn’t drive and apart from going to work gives the impression he doesn’t have a trouble in the world.
I know that if Dad were to ‘gift’ me the car, he would have to give the same to my brother ( which would rattle me aswell!).
Sorry but I just think the last year has taken it’s toll (not helped by being very hormonal!) and I will have to speak to Dad , explain my financial situation and see what he says.
Many thanks for all the advice 🙂

Grumpelstiltskin

Does your Dad get all the benefits he can. I am thinking Attendance Allowance, single persons Council Tax reduction etc.?

comeandgo

I think you really need to look after yourself a bit more.  You seem to have taken on the role of carer for your dad at the expense of your own well being.  The more you do the more you will be expected to do.  Are there no other organisations, charities in the area who can help?  We have a car scheme that takes the elderly to appointments at minimum charge to them.  Your dad has some money, could he pay for help a few hours a week?