Simplifying Life

Charis

moanymoany wrote: »

No matter how much I do it's either not enough or it's wrong. Hands up all those who get the same from their families. One thing I've learned over the past couple of weeks is that my case is not unique - not by a mile. There is always someone in the family who does the caring and the work. Then there are the others who just criticise while they come up with excuses for doing nowt.

Grrrrrrrrrrr :wall:

Yep. Many years ago I had eleven people to Christmas dinner for three days(both our families) when I had only been married a year and had only just about learned to cook. MIL, recently bereaved, always expected to be included in everything we did without caring that we needed time to get to know one another.

Eventually I realised that I was the only one in my family in touch with all the other members. A go-between. Still didn't learn. I was always anxious to please, afraid to offend, needed people to like me. Some of it was due to my upbringing (conditional love) and some was due to being involved in a religious faith which encouraged me always to put others before myself. I took it too literally. :A

An archetypal co-dependent, I only woke up quite recently when I realised that my now-adult children had me worrying about things which they had no intention of doing anything about.

I got shot of my toxic sister (who used to phone to see if mother had died and had she inherited yet). I gave up my demanding voluntary job. With the extra time I now have I am looking after my home instead of paying others to do it for me and am doing an OU course. Much more rewarding.

I'm still here if the others need anything but I refuse to swallow their hooks.

Well done Moany on making a clean break.

ceridwen

Well - I was reminded of this blog again t'other day when Greenpa stated his support elsewhere for my petrol rationing idea.

He has a very topical article on 18 April re a reason that has not come out to peoples attention re current world food shortages (and the resultant food price increases we are witnessing).

http://littlebloginthebigwoods.blogspot.com/


(right - thats me signed off for the night - lets hope I aint locked out again tomorrow from this Forum...- its getting to be a habit:rolleyes: ).

ceridwen

Hi all

mary - I see your comments re hoping I will still keep coming in even when I have finished simplifying - tht is my intention. If you dont see me around its because I am having worsening access problems to MSE.

1. First I couldnt even see the longer threads (including my own)

(that came right eventually - cant figure out how)

2. Then I couldnt get into the Forums part of the website as normal (and had to find a very convoluted "lateral thinking" route to get in yesterday).

3. Today I couldnt even get the "home" website page when I tried.

Right now - I am here via an even more convoluted route I worked out. I've carefully written down that route, so I can follow it again if need be - but I may find even that doesnt work next time I try. The rest of my Internet access is working as normal - just this site being problematic. I have told MSE and hope its to do with them and will be resolved soon. So if I "vanish" for a while it wont be because I am not trying to come in - it would be because I was trying, but couldnt get in.


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Right - now thoughts for the day - I see the "Guardian" today features an article saying the E.U. is set to scrap biofuel targets amid fears of food crisis. Thank goodness those of us who are "screaming" that its food, not fuel, thats important are being listened to:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2008/apr/19/biofuels.food

and, on one of the other reasons for the current rocketing food prices (ie food speculators), see a new blog I found. Her 18 April entry on:

http://jenr!!!066.blogspot.com/

(bit above is - and I will spell out letters - as summat has happened since I gave this link:

o b 1 )

'bye for now - keep your fingers crossed that I can "get in" again to see you all.

ceridwen

I'm currently debating whether to start up a blog or no - in view of my increasing access problems to MSE. Have sent a P.M. to a virtual friend who has a blog - but would also welcome links to means of getting a blog set up (would have to be very "simple", as I'm virtually computer-illiterate:D ) and free (being MSE:D ).

Could anyone posting links on here for this also send me a P.M. giving the link - in case I cant get in to site at all even to see posts again (as happened this morning - but I found a "back road"). P.M.'s come through to a private email address of mine.

Ta

ceridwen

sparklymessygirl

Oooh - lurker here! I was just thinking today that you should start a blog - hope you do. I love the down to earth blog and dip into ones that I find from the comments on there.

I hope you do!
Sparkly

Aril

ello virtual friends:j
I am sorry to hear of the distressing time you're having at the moment Moany Moany. I think it's a very brave decision you've made but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet don't you. As they say you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. When OH was made redundant and we took the decision to downshift I looked at all different aspects of my life and made some quite radical changes. People around me were quite perplexed at times I think because I've always been the one to keep in touch and do the running. However, I looked at my motivations for keeping up some of my behaviours and realised that they weren't always that healthy and at the root of a lot of it was always the worry of offending people and thinking they wouldn't like me if I stood up to them. Nowadays I'm a bit more comfortable in my skin and I have simplifed the relationships around me. I suppose my attitude is that you only have one crack at this life [unless like me you're a Pagan and believe in reincarnation but that's a whole different story:D] why choose to spend your free time with toxic people who upset you? My other lesson I am still learning and keep learning over and over again is that you can't control the behaviour of those around you no matter what you think of it. In the end people will do what they will do but you do have the choice whether you want those people within your inner sanctum or not. Gosh I hope I don't sound sanctimonious....I'm still overanalysing, getting my knickers in a twist and worrying for England at times. I've made progress but still got a very long way to go!
Not much planned for today except a trip out to see the bluebells with my Mum and Dad, OH and the small person. I was sat stitching the Dennis the Menace cushion for the small person and realised how much this simple act is bringing me in contact with my female lineage...the thimble I'm using belonged to my great grandmother. It's very battered and worn but the hole in it has been repaired with solder....very old style/make do and mend. The cushion itself is being made from cut outs from the small person's now too small pjs which have been sewn onto a second jumper I inadvertently felted and the stuffing has been reused from a cushion pad I bought for 30p at the charity shop. The whole lot is being mounted onto a piece of red velvet that my Aunt kept and which came to me along with all her buttons and threads when she died. I really must have this reusing/recycling gene coursing through my veins:D
A couple of shorter quotes today one on the idea of what constitues "normal" and the other on downshifting:
"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you're still paying for in order to get to the job you need so you can pay for the clothes, the car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in.
Ellen Goodman
Downshifting isn't just about getting away from what you don't want, It's also about moving towards what you really want to do.
Nick Williams
Aril

ps Ceridwen...please do start a blog!

ceridwen

Aril wrote: »

ello virtual friends:j
I am sorry to hear of the distressing time you're having at the moment Moany Moany. I think it's a very brave decision you've made but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet don't you. As they say you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. When OH was made redundant and we took the decision to downshift I looked at all different aspects of my life and made some quite radical changes. People around me were quite perplexed at times I think because I've always been the one to keep in touch and do the running. However, I looked at my motivations for keeping up some of my behaviours and realised that they weren't always that healthy and at the root of a lot of it was always the worry of offending people and thinking they wouldn't like me if I stood up to them. Nowadays I'm a bit more comfortable in my skin and I have simplifed the relationships around me. I suppose my attitude is that you only have one crack at this life [unless like me you're a Pagan and believe in reincarnation but that's a whole different story:D] why choose to spend your free time with toxic people who upset you? My other lesson I am still learning and keep learning over and over again is that you can't control the behaviour of those around you no matter what you think of it. In the end people will do what they will do but you do have the choice whether you want those people within your inner sanctum or not. Gosh I hope I don't sound sanctimonious....I'm still overanalysing, getting my knickers in a twist and worrying for England at times. I've made progress but still got a very long way to go!
A couple of shorter quotes today one on the idea of what constitues "normal" and the other on downshifting:
"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you're still paying for in order to get to the job you need so you can pay for the clothes, the car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in.
Ellen Goodman
Downshifting isn't just about getting away from what you don't want, It's also about moving towards what you really want to do.
Nick Williams
Aril

ps Ceridwen...please do start a blog!

Hi Aril

Thanks for the P.M.

I particularly like todays quotes myself.

Speaking personally.....I also believe in reincarnation (though from a slightly different perspective:D ) - so dont believe this is the "only crack of the whip" we get. So - that means I often view things through "different glasses" to many other people. I certainly think that all of us view the world and what happens in it through a "set of glasses" that matches what our absolutely "basic platform" is - ie our core beliefs and values about life.

To me - for instance - every society throughout history has a set of rules/laws/mores that the majority of people abide by the majority of the time. These rules etc vary from society to society and time to time. Some will be eternally "valid", some wont - ie I believe its eternally valid that we shouldnt kill people for instance. I personally believe in abiding by the "eternally valid" ones - and only by the "eternally valid" ones. Others - that depends on how "moral" they are judged by eternal standards - or how genuinely necessary they are for that particular society at that particular point of history that one finds oneself in at that time (as in - right now - this is early 21st century Britain and there are particular laws/rules in place right now that make sense to abide by at present for this society to function). Dont know how much sense that makes - but I know what I mean:D

Hard Up Hester has kindly told me the basic procedure as to how to set up a blog. I'm still debating it. Right now - I'm waiting for the chance to get a computer-literate friend to have a looksee to see if owt can be altered from my end to enable me to access MSE as per normal. (I just had to go through my "back roads" entry method to get in again - even though I darn well had the Forum Index page open. It just wouldnt let me click on a thread title). So - I couldnt even view anyones threads if this "back roads" entry method stops working - never mind "getting me own waffle - or otherwise - in".

mary43

moanymoany- How awful that the rest of your family should behave like that and not keep you in touch with whats going on...........you've made a right decision -let the others do their bit from now on, you've earned the right to have time for yourself and those who genuinely appreciate and care for you. Take a break if you can, if not,then at least time with peope of your own choice will serve as well.

Charis

-Eventually I realised that I was the only one in my family in touch with all the other members. A go-between. Still didn't learn. I was always anxious to please, afraid to offend, needed people to like me.

That part of your posting really hit home with me. I feel I've been doing that most of my life as far as family are concerned.
My brother always lived either a few streets away from our parents or at most five miles, with the exception of the breaks he had abroad prior to living there. After Dad had gone every time Mum had any kind of mishap or problem it was me she asked for (these things always coincided with my brother being away). Mum and Dad used to come to us every Christmas for years, then it was just Mum for Christmas and holidays. In between I;d go and stay with Mum for a week at a time several times a year, but because my brother lived closer and popped in every weekend I was always made to feel (by him) that I didn't see enough of them -despite the miles away that I lived. Yet when he called in to see them he stayed for about half an hour, hour at most ! Hardly what I''d call 'quality time' which was what I felt I had with them,
I stayed with Mum when she broke her wrist, when she had a really bad cold that affected her hearing, when she was feeling low after losing Dad.........and now she's in the Home I visit as often as I'm able, bearing in mind the distance and the fact that I have committments as a foster carer and the fact I need somewhere to stay when I visit. (no other family members have ever invited me to stay with them).
But I mustn't dwell on it all.............not now...............there will come a time when addresses and phone number may remain in my book but unused............a card maybe at Christmas but that's all and I'll feel a lot freer for it. (oh dear................do hope I haven't rambled on too long on this........)

Aril - love the quotes as always and the Denis the Menace cushion sounds a delight. As for the trip out to see the bluebells............what better way to feel at one with nature and get life into perspective.

Re-incarnation...........or life after death,call it what you will, is something I'm a great believer in, in that life as such doesn't end when our bodies give up.
I believe those who've gone before are still around in some shape or form, maybe the spirit kind ? Least thats what I 'feel'.

ceridwen - glad you got onto the site. If you do get a blog going we'll all be disappearing over to it..................lol
Look forward to it.............I'm sure it'll be fascinating.

Well, I've managed to go through all my paperwork and dealt with as much as I can.............some stuff has to wait till I can ring the office or get some photocopies done of it but other than that it's done ! Wonder how long I'll keep it up..............lol
Now I have to contemplate another little corner...............the one with the plant trough that's become a dumping ground...........got great plans for that !

ceridwen

ooh....er....Mrs (said in Frankie Howard) tones. I've created a blog....at least I think I have. Well - that was easy - at least I think it was:D Whether I can get back into it again - or whether anyone else can either is another matter;) .

So - I dont know whether its worked. I dont know whether I will keep it up/put in various stuff I have done on my "threads" so far. We'll see. Depends on time/energy available and whether I can manage to get access to "visiting" with my virtual friends via M.S.E. back to normal.

So its at (well I think it is - thats the idea!):

http://chezceridwen.blogspot.com/

"Ooh....er....Mrs" again....it just came up when I clicked on link. Cor!!!!

"Ooh...er...Mrs" again...I've just been able to put a link under my "namebadge" here to my "homepage". Dont it sound grand? Heh! I managed to get a second post in there too. Here....perhaps I'm not SUCH a computer-illiterate after all - LOL!

Thanks Hester....aka she who "took my virtual hand" and gave me a step-by-step guide through this.

mary43

ceridwen - just a little problem (you know me ..........lol)
I tried to post a comment on your blog and it wouldn't let me........I'd typed in the funny little letters that come up and they just kept popping up as if I'd done it wrong ! Then I didn't know whether I had to have user name and password ???? Cos that was there as well..................help ???
think I need 'idiot proof guide' to all this...........lol