Wish I hadn't seen

Keep_pedalling

Workerdrone said:

Keep_pedalling said:

It does not seem that your parents have lost purpose as them would appear to be enjoying retirement. Their net worth gives them security whatever life throws at them. If they can no longer drive they can hire taxis, if they can no longer manage the garden or house work, they can pay someone to do it, if they ever need care they can afford the best available or  live in carers.

Oh I know they haven't lost purpose. They're very much enjoying retirement. My post was more about me feeling I've lost purpose, or at least I need to seriously rethink my goals as there's a chance my retirement might not be as "self made" as I'd wanted it to be.

Ah! I see. We are in a similar situation with our retirement made far more comfortable thanks to a significant inheritance. We have used this to fund more luxurious holidays than we would have and a new car every few years, but it has mainly benefited our children, as we give significant amounts towards their house purchases and annual gifts have allowed our daughter and DIL to be full time mums for the last few years.

To be able to help them and their young children get a good start in life has been more rewarding than anything spent on ourselves has been.

Workerdrone

Keep_pedalling said:

Workerdrone said:

Keep_pedalling said:

It does not seem that your parents have lost purpose as them would appear to be enjoying retirement. Their net worth gives them security whatever life throws at them. If they can no longer drive they can hire taxis, if they can no longer manage the garden or house work, they can pay someone to do it, if they ever need care they can afford the best available or  live in carers.

Oh I know they haven't lost purpose. They're very much enjoying retirement. My post was more about me feeling I've lost purpose, or at least I need to seriously rethink my goals as there's a chance my retirement might not be as "self made" as I'd wanted it to be.

Ah! I see. We are in a similar situation with our retirement made far more comfortable thanks to a significant inheritance. We have used this to fund more luxurious holidays than we would have and a new car every few years, but it has mainly benefited our children, as we give significant amounts towards their house purchases and annual gifts have allowed our daughter and DIL to be full time mums for the last few years.

To be able to help them and their young children get a good start in life has been more rewarding than anything spent on ourselves has been.

That's exactly what I would like to be able to do (The help children bit more than the holiday and cars, although a couple of weeks in the carribean wouldn't go amiss). I'd feel much happier meeting my maker, knowing my kids were settled and secure.

artyboy

Fascinating thread. And no, no flames from me. It does sound like you genuinely want your parents to enjoy what they have built up, and indeed they appear to be doing so within the context of what makes them happy.

So I'm trying to understand why this has hit you the way it has - was it just the shock of realising all in one go that your parents are significantly better off than you (and/or than you expected them to be)? Is it a sense of self worth in terms of feeling you should be in a better position yourself?

Bear in mind that they do appear to have got their estate in a very good position for IHT if they do intend to leave something to you, but I would agree that a discussion on wills is a good thing if handled sensitively - along the lines that whatever they want to happen, it would be less stressful for all concerns if those intentions are clearly set out.

What this has made me realise is that Mrs Arty and I do need to be a lot more open with our own children about our situation and estate planning as we grow older, I think good communication between generations is the lesson to be learned here. We Brits tend to feel that talking about money (and death for that matter) is a bit taboo...

Workerdrone

artyboy said:

Fascinating thread. And no, no flames from me. It does sound like you genuinely want your parents to enjoy what they have built up, and indeed they appear to be doing so within the context of what makes them happy.

So I'm trying to understand why this has hit you the way it has - was it just the shock of realising all in one go that your parents are significantly better off than you (and/or than you expected them to be)? Is it a sense of self worth in terms of feeling you should be in a better position yourself?

Bear in mind that they do appear to have got their estate in a very good position for IHT if they do intend to leave something to you, but I would agree that a discussion on wills is a good thing if handled sensitively - along the lines that whatever they want to happen, it would be less stressful for all concerns if those intentions are clearly set out.

What this has made me realise is that Mrs Arty and I do need to be a lot more open with our own children about our situation and estate planning as we grow older, I think good communication between generations is the lesson to be learned here. We Brits tend to feel that talking about money (and death for that matter) is a bit taboo...

Thank you, 

and you are right. I am delighted they are in excellent health with a wide group of friends and interests. I'd say they are happier than they haver ever been. We are at the stage in life where I see a lot of my peer group with retired parents either in poor physical or financial health so it's a great relief not to have those worries.

It's definitely not a comparison thing. I don't lament my lot in life. I am very happy. I have a brilliant wife, great kids, good job, no debt etc.

So why has it hit me this way. Well, as I alluded to in the original post, it's sort of a feeling/sudden realisation that no matter how hard I try, there's a strong chance that I won't be able to say I made it off my own back. That in itself is sort of taking my sense of purpose away. As others here have rightly pointed out. My current sense of purpose is skewed. I got too obsessed with planning for the future and need a rethink on life, which is something I will be doing. I would much rather be able to be honest with my parents and say, look, just skip over me and split it between my sibling and the grandchildren. Right now I am trapped in this limbo whereby for whatever reason we aren't as a family having financial discussions or generally ones about final wishes.

The whole having sudden money thing is a bit scary. I knew a lad who suddenly came into 20m in his late 20's. bought a big house and suddenly found he had nothing to do, ended up an alcoholic before seeking help and kicking that. Sudden unexpected money can be scary.

Simon11

A few comments from me:

Your parents may have well received a good inheritance from their parents which may support how they are in such a good financial position. So they could have been lucky, just like you and should be taking as something of a bonus, rather than an expectation.

I would be really careful around assuming good health for your parents and the cost of health care in a home care setting. If your parents end up in an elderly care home setting for a good few years, you will very quickly find their wealth disappearing.

I had one set of grand parents going into care for several years coming out with hardly any inheritance as a result, while for my other grand parents, my mum/ uncle provided the care for 10 years at their home! While it was a lot of hard work for them, particularly at the end it has meant they were able to provide better care for them as well as saving a huge amount which they have now inherited.

My mom says she earned more from being a carer for her mum for 10 years (in terms of inheritance), than she did working for 25 years part time- this has definitely made me think about my future options and what I want to do/ is best for everyone.

Albermarle

Workerdrone said:

Pat38493 said:

Also on a more practical level - when you say mid 70s are they over 75?  If they are not 75 yet and have LTA exposure are they aware of it - do they have an IFA?  

yes 75, yes IFA and yes keeping it just under year on year

Also on a practical level, have they got Lasting Powers of Attorney in place ? Normally for each other, and with you ( or your sibling )  as a back up ?

Workerdrone

Albermarle said:

Workerdrone said:

Pat38493 said:

Also on a more practical level - when you say mid 70s are they over 75?  If they are not 75 yet and have LTA exposure are they aware of it - do they have an IFA?  

yes 75, yes IFA and yes keeping it just under year on year

Also on a practical level, have they got Lasting Powers of Attorney in place ? Normally for each other, and with you ( or your sibling )  as a back up ?

Nope. The whole set up is a black hole 

eskbanker

mark_cycling00 said:

2. Due to this "surprise", we can guess that your family didn't/doesn't discuss money very much and share financial information in an open way. You need to sort this out and appreciate that it has had a negative effect on your relationship to money. There are some good books to read on this.

Why does OP need to 'sort this out'?  OP's parents are completely entitled to keep their financial affairs confidential - at some point in the future it may be pertinent to discuss wills, LPAs, etc, but if the parents are happy with keeping this to themselves for now, that's entirely their business and nobody else's....

Keep_pedalling

Workerdrone said:

Albermarle said:

Workerdrone said:

Pat38493 said:

Also on a more practical level - when you say mid 70s are they over 75?  If they are not 75 yet and have LTA exposure are they aware of it - do they have an IFA?  

yes 75, yes IFA and yes keeping it just under year on year

Also on a practical level, have they got Lasting Powers of Attorney in place ? Normally for each other, and with you ( or your sibling )  as a back up ?

Nope. The whole set up is a black hole 

LPAs, especially for finance, are really a must have to protect agains financial difficulties should someone suddenly lose mental capacity through accident or illness. Look at getting your own LPAs in place and suggest to them that that get theirs done at the same time.

A_T

not sure what the issue is here. assuming the parents are including you in their will seems like you'll be receiving a lot of money that you have not earned