Advice on paying partner’s mortgage

zoe_r15

Hello,

I am in need of some advice about paying half of my partners mortgage.

We have been together 2 and a half years, we have a great relationship and the next step is moving in together.

He wants me to move in to his house. First of all moving to his house involves me extending my commute everyday (from a 10 mile round trip which I currently do, to a 45 mile round trip) which I’m not happy about. It’s also in a location I wouldn’t choose to live. 

But he has refused to sell or rent his house and wants to do a ‘trial’ period before buying together. 

He then wants to split the mortgage and bills 50/50. He also wants me to sign an agreement to say I do not have a stake in his house if we were to split. 

I have said I am not comfortable paying his mortgage when he’s using that to build equity, especially when he can kick me out at any time, and I’ve done all the sacrificing of losing my lovely (rented) flat and doing a horrible commute everyday. 

He has said he’s willing to sell in a years time so we can buy together (this involves me signing a deed of trust so all his deposit would go back to him if we split, which is totally fine except I would have contributed to that if I’m paying him a monthly sum- it feels like singing my own money away from me). 

So I suggested that I will pay 50% of bills, groceries etc., but I could match the amount he pays into a mortgage and put that in a savings account for our deposit on the next house. However he is not happy with that arrangement and is insisting I pay him half the mortgage every month. 

I don’t know what else to suggest that feels fair on both of us? 

Van_Girl

If you pay half of the mortgage, then he is making a profit off you from the repayment element.

Perhaps offer to pay half of the monthly interest, as that is much like any other bill in my opinion. That way he is paying down and protecting his own equity when you come to sell.

I do, however, think you need a lot more conversations about money before you buy a house together, to make sure you are on the same page

jcuurthht

If it were me, I'd be happy with my partner paying household running costs, water, gas, groceries etc. I wouldn't expect money towards the mortgage because the property would be in my name only, and only I would be building equity.

How many discussions have you previously had regarding finances? It's one of the biggests causes for divorce.

You're giving up alot, and he is giving up nothing. The best option would be for him to rent out his property, and you both move to a neutral property in an area acceptable to you both. Then you can start your "trial period" on the same terms. But he already said no to this, like he said no to everything else. It sounds like he wants everything done his way. Either move somewhere neutral together, or don't move at all. Perhaps some relationship forums could give you some extra advice regarding the dynamics in your relationship. https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/categories/marriage-relationships-families

martindow

Are you keeping on your current house during this trial period?  If so perhaps he should be paying you half of the costs of that. 

It doesn't sound great to be starting a relationship with you feeling uneasy about the ground rules he is laying down.  

EssexHebridean

martindow said:

Are you keeping on your current house during this trial period?  If so perhaps he should be paying you half of the costs of that. 

It doesn't sound great to be starting a relationship with you feeling uneasy about the ground rules he is laying down.  

This... 

I'd suggest that perhaps put in a bit more time just being a couple, but living separately, and maybe having some hypothetical discussions about how you both see a wide range of financial situations playing out in the future. I'm afraid your current situation has ALL the red flags fluttering, for me. Sorry! 

hannahcolobus

I think it’s fine for someone to be upfront about wanting to protect their interests. If my partner did that I wouldn’t be offended. But then in my opinion it’s not fine that he’s expecting you to pay half his mortgage off with no chance of you ever getting that back. 

He’s going to make you sign something that protects ‘his’ share of the equity if you buy something together, but surely you’d have put towards that equity by paying off his mortgage. Have I got
that part right? Is he paying your added commute costs? 

I can’t stress enough that I think it’s important to allow someone to be sensible and careful and protect their investment but if he’s expecting that from you then he should accommodate your investment. Ie whatever you pay off of his mortgage. I know you’ve not come here for relationship advice but I agree with the above that for me there’s a LOT of red flags here. I’d be seriously re-evaluating what he’s expecting you to do (give up your lovely flat, a huge commute) whilst also grabbing your money to pay his mortgage off. I’d actually be re-evaluating the whole relationship if I’m honest! 

MikeJXE

Too many red flag, he's only interested in himself, end it and move on

_Penny_Dreadful

zoe_r15 said:

So I suggested that I will pay 50% of bills, groceries etc., but I could match the amount he pays into a mortgage and put that in a savings account for our deposit on the next house. However he is not happy with that arrangement and is insisting I pay him half the mortgage every month. 

I don’t know what else to suggest that feels fair on both of us? 

This sounds like a perfectly reasonable compromise in my opinion.  Him expecting you to pay half his mortgage whilst also signing a document to say you have no claim on his property is trying to have his cake and eat it.  I would continue to live separately if he isn't prepared to budge.

SensibleSarah

I agree about the red flags tbh. You giving up a flat you love in an area you like and moving into his place at inconvenience yourself (commute etc), on terms that are very favourable to him, puts you in a very vulnerable position and gives you very little control over fundamentals. If the relationship breaks down during the 'trial' then you presumably won't have anywhere to live. Obviously the rental market varies from area to area - but getting somewhere new might not be an easy task judging by everything I hear about high demand and low rental stock in most places. 

For me, it sets a worrying prescedent that everything is on his terms. No issues with him wanting to protect his home, but asking you to pay part of his mortgage while signing away any rights that this might give you comes across as very controlling. Is he willing to discuss any of the alternatives or is it just a straight 'no'?

ThisIsWeird

zoe_r15 said:

He then wants to split the mortgage and bills 50/50. He also wants me to sign an agreement to say I do not have a stake in his house if we were to split. 

I have said I am not comfortable paying his mortgage when he’s using that to build equity, especially when he can kick me out at any time, and I’ve done all the sacrificing of losing my lovely (rented) flat and doing a horrible commute everyday. 

So I suggested that I will pay 50% of bills, groceries etc., but I could match the amount he pays into a mortgage and put that in a savings account for our deposit on the next house. However he is not happy with that arrangement and is insisting I pay him half the mortgage every month. 

I don’t know what else to suggest that feels fair on both of us? 

There are regular threads coming up on here on this type of issue. But rarely has the OP also laid out the obvious answer, so succinctly, in their post :-) I agree with you.

I think one way to look at this is, when your relationship develops to its hopeful conclusion - presumably you get married and then share everything 50:50 - all this will be moot. Everything you have, and everything he has, will be shared. And none of your financial arrangements up until then will have any bearing on this, as far as I can see.

The situation will be different, however, if you split up before then. He will retain the benefit of the reduced mortgage payments up to that point, and you will have relatively nothing. If you split up, he will still have a roof over his head, whereas you will be starting off again.

Yes, split every other 'living' bill 50:50 - food, energy, council tax, insurance, whatevs. And, yes, save your 'rent' in a separate account marked 'Our future house!'

You will save overall, by halving your living costs. You will also build up some savings, either to see you set up should the worst happen, or to share when you are married.

He will save by having half his living costs - other than the mortgage - paid for, and that's already quite a biggie. He should also put these savings into a separate account marked 'ditto'!

Yes, you will likely be saving more overall than him, but the sacrifices - increased commuting costs and time, and moving to an area where you ideally do not want to live - are also yours. Call it 'compensation'...

If you want to buy a few more couply treats than him in order to redress a perceived imbalance, that's your call. If you both want to sit down and try and put a value on this, then, that's up to you two. But, really?

This should be a 'casual' agreement, with no ties should the worst happen - no acrimony, no sitting down with a calculator, both of you saying, "It was good while it lasted - all the best", and walk away. (Well, you'll be walking...) For him to insist on actual contributions towards his mortgage, and a signed 'pre-nupt' to ensure you have no claim on it, is, well, just not very nice.

Mojisola

zoe_r15 said:

We have been together 2 and a half years, we have a great relationship and the next step is moving in together.

He wants me to move in to his house. First of all moving to his house involves me extending my commute everyday (from a 10 mile round trip which I currently do, to a 45 mile round trip) which I’m not happy about. It’s also in a location I wouldn’t choose to live. 

But he has refused to sell or rent his house and wants to do a ‘trial’ period before buying together.

Even before considering the money side of it - why are you the only one making compromises?

The extra commuting time and moving to an area you don't like would be enough for me to stay where I was.

If he can't come up with other ideas that share the compromises, I'd be seriously reflecting on whether this relationship has a future.

Now that he's laid out his expectations like this, look back over the time you've spent together - is this a pattern that you haven't noticed before - that you're always the one to fit into his plans?

Or is this something to do with his past experiences where he's been hurt and he's over-reacting by wanting to keep more control of what happens - if so, that would need some heart-to-heart talks exploring other ways of moving the relationship on.