Feeling very, very sad

KittyKate

Hi all. Well, I'm in tears as I write this (something insignificant always sets you off, eh), I'm feeling so low, not depressed as such, or even stressed, just very, very sad indeed.

I have a lovely home life, wonderful partner of 5 years, both have decent jobs, fantastic family on both sides, lovely home, and I guess in hindsight I took it all for granted. As you do. I wish so much that I knew then what I knew now. But hindsight is always so bittersweet.

In September my Mum told me she'd gotten breast cancer, well, I was shocked, and distraught, but I'm the type of person who kicks into a 'survival mode' - very practical, extremely supportive, and I'll stretch myself seven ways in order to be there for everyone. So I coped OK when my mum had the single mastectomy, didn't cry in front of her when we heard it had spread to her lymph nodes (since removed) and did regular shopping for her, visits, household chores etc etc (I live about 15 miles away). Due to the increased stress however I did fail my driving test (haven't taken it since - had to cancel next due to the below). I was given this time off work as compassionate leave. (My parents are divorced and each live alone).

I was keeping it on an even keel when my dad (who I am very close to as well) rang me saying he'd gone blind in one eye (about a month ago). I was very worried and asked him to call NHS Direct (it was 8pm). I said I'd call him later (as he needed the line for them). I called at 10pm and paramedics answered - he had had a stroke and called 999.

I went into total shock and started screaming. All I remember is being told to get to A&E. That's when I went into a real survival mode - spending 6hr days in the hospital, added to that, traveling, washing, cleaning, looking after mum, meeting with his doctors and everything else in between. My dad is a shadow of the man he was, now. He can just about speak on a good day. He is frail and needs assistance (but it is slowly improving). Currently he has a kidney infection following an angioplasty. He is in constant pain.

Added to which my mum is undergoing intense radio and chemotherapy. I am back at work full time as my compassionless boss won't give me any more paid time off and I need the money (have to pay for private speech therapist for dad as he is over 65 and NHS won't pay, added to all the taxis etc.) I feel sick thinking about it. For his op last week I was allowed the time off - it was deducted from my next year's holiday I won't have any left at this rate. This is a huge, well known company and I have worked there years.

Anyway, I work with a guy who has a serious history of 'tall tales' (and I mean pretty bad ones - he lied his gf had cancer to get summer off work...sadly though we all knew my useless boss fell hook line and sinker for it and refused to ask for proof (we know his gf, she didn't have and never had cancer)) anyway he works as a DJ over xmas period, to get the time off he pretended his dad died (he hasn't - I've even seen them shopping together) of cancer, and is on 'long term leave' - 30 days paid and counting, it makes me feel sick to think someone would a) tell these lies and b) my boss is paying him with no proof but has made me take in evidence for both my parents which I have supplied. I complained to HR but they say it's managers discretion and won't intervene (its not the lying as such its the total unfairness of it all).

Anyway to wind it up I am totally knackered, I've had to do my xmas shopping in my lunch hours from work (not finished yet) I have lost 1 1/2 st so far (and am only 10st and 6ft tall as it is), if I need time off for hospital appts etc I don't get paid or I lose my next year's leave, my parents are both terribly ill, my partner and colleagues are extremely supportive but I feel so full of sorrow.

To have one parent ill is a problem. Two is a nightmare. I love my parents so so much and want to be there for them all I can, whilst I can, there is hospital support etc but it is pretty rubbish, I'm doing OK for money, I just feel exhausted emotionally, and the last thing I want is Christmas (sorry if I sound like a scrooge). I'm only 25 and I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. My parents are my absolute world and to see them in pain...I wish I could take away their pain, see my mum looking healthy and bright, and hear my dad's voice. I'm with them as much as I can, but in ways, I miss them so so much.

KittyKate

I have just realised how long that is..blimey. If anyone manages to read the lot, thanks:o

zebidee1

Life absolutely sucks sometimes doesn't it? All you can do is battle on the best you can.

Your down times are your coping mechanism, it's a way of letting out some pressure before you become too overloaded. No-one can say anything to make it better for you, but I genuinely wish you some virtual support and I feel for you and your family.

This place is quite good for letting off steam and writing down your thoughts and there are lots of good people here who are happy to lend a virtual ear and support.

Ignore the situation with your work colleague....it doesn't affect you and isn't worth you expending any energy even thinking about it, although I understand how unfair it must seem.

London_Girl_3

Hello
I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling. It's obviously been a very difficult time for you. here's some hugs for you:grouphug: i hope things get better for you

Afitos

Hi KittyKate,

Just wanted to say your Mum and Dad are really lucky to have you as a Daughter. I don't usually read this thread, don't know what made me tonight.

Carn't give you any real advice just to say I can empathise, I went through something very similar last year and couldn't imagine how i would get through.

Take strength from your other half,

Hope you don't mind me replying but felt so sad when reading your post,

Sally

KittyKate

Thanks guys. I just wanted to let off some steam (I can't talk to my boss, I don't like talking to strangers and I put enough on my OH). It's good to vent. I'm not angry as such just totally put upon (but by my own making, I'd have it no other way).

As for the colleague it's not so much his compulsive lying its more the 30+ paid days off he's had. I'd love that time to care for my parents. My mum wrote me an xmas card saying 'thanks so much for all your help' - I only wish I could be there more. My dad can't write following his stroke. It breaks my heart. He was an artist, painting beautiful, skillful portraits with photographic quality. Now he can barely write his name. I hope I get a birthday card from him in August. That'll be better than any present.

jinky67

I have been following your story from the start and i just want to say how much i admire you.:A
You do need to look after yourself though...can you not get signed off work yorself?
you do sound really stressed and in that state you will be no use to anybody
keep your chin up

billionairelizzie

you have lots of friends here always ready to listen... have you or your parents applied for DLA i am sure your parents would qualify and it might be worth you looking at trying to get carers allowance it could help your dad pay for the speech therapist as a start and maybe you could reduce your hours.. just a thought take care and try and have a rest over christmas x

FriendlyJ

:grouphug: Sending you loads of hugs & virtual support - There's not a lot that anyone can say that will ease the strain & pressure you are under, but you have all my thoughts. Do remember to be kind to yourself too, you're worth it! What a wonderful daughter your parents have!
J x

cazziebo

(((Kittykate)))) You have been through such a lot. How strong you are.

I'm a bit shocked about you having to pay for your dad's speech therapy - is that right you have to pay? My dad had a stroke at 75 and he got fabulous care - physio and speech therapy all on the NHS.

as for holidays - you are entitled to at least 24 days next year - the company must honour that and can't deprive you of any of that as "payment in lieu" for this year (working time regulations every worker must have 24 days paid leave in any working year. About to increase to 28).

Jinky is right - you have to look after yourself. What's the possibility of planning some wee treats for yourself - don't have to be expensive - a manicure? or book yourself in for a shiatsu massage at a college/ Or just go for a nice coffee by yourself.

You are doing so much for everyone else just now, you have to invest in yourself.

As for the colleague - put farting powder in his tea or something! hate people who play the system to the detriment of others. In fact, give me his address and I'll take some of my large dog's poo round and put it through his letterbox myself!

Chin up Kitty - you've coped with all this so far, you're an amazing person. Just recognise that and reward yourself now and again

xxx

Loretta

jinky67 wrote: »

I have been following your story from the start and i just want to say how much i admire you.:A
You do need to look after yourself though...can you not get signed off work yorself?
you do sound really stressed and in that state you will be no use to anybody
keep your chin up

In the last thread about this I suggested that you go along to your GP and get signed off because you are suffering from stress or whatever and I think just a little time and space would be so much help to you. I am sure you are not much use at work and at the moment your parents need you so much and you need to have the energy to keep yourself well too.

It is clear from what you have written on here that you badly need some help and if you don't get it soon you will be offered the dreaded 'happy' pills when your mind and body are just telling you that you have too much going on at the moment and need a little time to get on top of it all.

Make an appointment as soon as possible

Good luck and let us know how you get on