Diary of a 30-something idiot

stymied

Yay! That looks like a working budget. Apart from maybe groceries, your pots contain some longer term moneys so I’m not convinced you should empty them at the end of the month.

I love the sound of the van but equally a reliable car is worth its weight in gold. I’d have difficulty giving either of those up.

What happened to your Sky glass? If you stop paying it, do they take the tv back? Maybe you could get one off freecycle instead?

fabatfifty

Hi Fox,  I just spent the last few days reading your thread. 

Huge congrats 👏 you’ve achieved so much, new job, further promotion, moving house to a more suitable/ workable location, caring for and carrying a whole family. You’re amazing 🤩 
I haven’t worked outside the home in 20 years and realise how daunting it must seem to your dh, even something like not having a reference can seem insurmountable, so what I really posting for is to suggest Dog walking to you dh , you’re both obviously doggy people, there are websites he could sign up to to and it might be a less daunting way of dipping his toe into working again. Even If he only got a couple of regulars it would make a big difference to the household finances and could easily work around childcare and help with his fitness. 

All the best x 

foxandflowers

I find it quite funny that so many of you are here and reading my screaming into the void ramblings (especially those of you who have binge read the whole thing!). It's rather comforting really to know that I can come here and type away and sort my muddled up thoughts into something vaguely coherent. Some quick replies:

@OtterSaves its an interesting point about understanding the magnitude of difference in money. Part of my issue is that spending on card feels intangible, as though I'm just tapping Apple Pay and receiving something in return, and no part of my brain seems to activate to calculate how many hours I have worked for whatever I am buying. I think about all the times I've gone into TK Maxx, or Primark, and spent £200 each time, without ever thinking that that I've probably worked close to 18 hours to be able to buy some clothes that I probably don't need... Or getting a takeaway and it costing £60, which is another five hours of work. It makes me shudder. I've wasted SO MUCH money. And its a real work in progress to understand that I am only depriving myself in the long run. 

@foxgloves thank you for your thoughts on the morality of debt. While it may be "morally neutral", I think is is often irresponsible. This rather hits the nail on the head doesn't it. I absolutely appreciate you rambling back at me, and I think that knowing that essential bills are actually essential and require paying regardless of if I feel like it or not, is so very simple, and in my case, so often overlooked, especially when there are birthdays/Christmas involved.

@stymied I've spoken to Sky, and if I stop paying for the Glass, it will default and be sold on to a debt management company. So at some point, that debt will also get added to Stepchange. But I can keep the TV. I've got a firestick hooked up to it for now, but I think it really is rather too big for the space, so I will probably end up listing it on Marketplace, and trying to get hold of a smaller one. It is a bit of a monstrosity and doesn't fit on a corner unit, so my lounge is currently higgeldy piggeldy to try and jam it in. 
Budget wise - it works on paper! Obviously the real test will be the day to day living in March. Only groceries/fuel will be emptied at the end of the month - long term savings are hopefully staying firmly put. 


Sadly it appears after yesterday's torrential rain, my coat is NOT waterproof. So back to the drawing board on that one. I'm watching a Regatta Orla Kiely one on Vinted that has the word waterproof on the label. I shall have to sell the green one on I think. I was utterly drenched when I got into the office this morning, and its taken me three hours to dry out. I'm on antibiotics and feeling very headachey and tired. I'm supposed to go to Book Club tonight, but I don't think I'll be back in time. I'm also supposed to be going to a NT Live trip tomorrow, but it's £15 and I just don't have the money for it. I haven't been swimming since I started this job and I am disappointed and miserable in myself. 

I have six days to go. I have spent a full THOUSAND pounds less than last month, but by the same marker I have also overspent £380 this month, and everything is all backwards. I'm looking forward to turning the page and starting over next month, and will be hoping to report that all bills have been paid and I have money left over! A girl can dream.

foxandflowers

Wondering if it would be feasible to borrow a budgeting trick from someone else's diary (have been browsing this afternoon for hints) where they put all their money into one pot to cover bills, then divide up what remains into week one, week two, week three and week four. I don't think I have the discipline to abandon all my various pots but I am wondering if I could do weekly pots and put £25 in there, and then that could cover bus fare each week, and have a tiny amount left for emergency spends. I don't know what would constitute an emergency spend, but maybe if there was a collection in the office, or I was late and didn't bring lunch... making up unlikely scenarios, but you get the gist. And then at the end of the week anything left could be a treat. So if I walked instead of catching the second bus and there were no emergencies, that would be £12 at the end of the week, which would cover a GF brownie box and a bottle of wine on Friday night but if it chucked it down all week, I could get the £1 bus twice daily. I'd have to reduce the general spends category slightly to account for it, but I think it could be doable? 

MeandO

Fox, I’m in awe of how you manage everything all by yourself, I really am, but your last post made me feel really desperately sad for you. You’re working your backside off and providing for everybody whilst trying to come up with a savings plan to enable you treat yourself to a brownie and bottle of wine a week. Meanwhile, for the past few years, your husband has been driving round in a luxury car, watching sky sports on a sky glass tv, playing on his console and vaping, eating specialist diets and having a van to go away in with all expenses paid for by you. Your inheritance, your wages. I appreciate it is difficult to make that step back into work after so many years of not working, but even Jobseeker’s Allowance would help you hugely right now. Is there a reason he refuses to sign on? I know you don’t like this being mentioned, but it doesn’t need to be this difficult for you and you really deserve some help, some financial support and to have less of the weight on your shoulders. You deserve little treats too without having to forfeit a bus ticket for them. I know you said last year you were setting a deadline with regards to the not working situation, is that something you’d revisit? Your husband was offered that job if he’d attended a course too, I’m guessing he didn’t do it?
I’m not having a go and I don’t want this to sound like criticism as it’s really not intended that way, you do EVERYTHING for the entire family - step family and all, I just feel you deserve so much more from your partner. It shouldn’t all be your responsibility and life could be so much easier if he’d just contribute. Could he list the vinted items and deal with the posting and packaging of those? That would be a start. Would you be able to have THAT chat with him again? I’m really worried for you Fox, you’re at risk of burning out xx

foxandflowers

I don't want you to feel sorry for me! It was more a musing on how there is inevitably too much month at the end of my money, and I can probably manage that a bit better if I apportion things out into weekly sections. And as an added bonus, if I can save the bus fare money and use it for wine and brownies - then that doesn't have to come from the groceries budget, and then that pot should hopefully have money spare at the end of March for rounding over  

I snapped a bit last night and pointed out that I leave the house at 6.45, and don't get back until 6pm, then there is cooking, cleaning the kitchen, tackling laundry etc etc etc and then its bedtime and I have had no downtime except the two hours I spend on public transport. He said that he just wants me to go through things with him and get a system in place, and I wish I'd had the balls to say "You don't need a system to do ironing if you see full ironing baskets, or put rubbish in the bin instead of near it? You just do it because you see it needs doing, like I do every day??" I mean, surely that's basic adulting. I'm going to talk him through everything this weekend and then see how we go next week. But it cannot carry on like this. And I know I keep saying that, and things KEEP carrying on like that, but I'm not quite ready to face up to that part of my life. Sorry. I know you all want me to, but I'm just not able to yet. 

I caught the second bus this morning though, with a £1 coin I found in an old pair of jeans. I've called off the cinema trip for me tonight, because frankly I am so tired by the time I get home that there is no way I will stay awake all the way through anything that is not on a weekend. 

I miss working from home more than I thought I would. I did some rough calculations last night and if I want to be debt free by 45 then I have 42k to pay off in 12 years. If I keep paying Stepchange at the same rate, and once Mayglothling drops off (£710 to go!) add that £35 to what I am paying my friend back, then I am paying off £2,208 per year without trying. 42k divided by 12 is 3500. If I take away £2,208 from £3,500 then I'm left with £1292 to pay off per year to meet my goal, or approximately £108 per month, or £25 a week.  That would shave FIFTEEN YEARS off my DFD. Even less if I can get full and finals on some of my debts. 

So £25 a week. 
Currently we are looking at the following: 

£31,921.08	Debt Management Plan
£7,057.00	F Loan
£2,000.00	J loan
£709.40	Mayglothling Waste
£300.00	C (credit card)
£200.00	Ramsdens
£150.00	Prowaste
£65.00	E loan
£50.00	C loan
£50.00	S - Dryrobe

So I think my £25 a week will go from the bottom to the top? Obviously at this moment in time I'm not entirely sure where I'm going to pull the £25 a week from - I suppose emptying end of month pots might go towards it, and if I can keep up with Vinted, then that should be okay for a while, and then when I get my pay rise in August, I can act as though I didn't get a pay rise, and put that towards it too? 
Then once I've got the two big friend loans and Stepchange left (paying off just over £1,500 so by next summer?) I will start saving to make F&F settlement offers on the lower hanging fruit on Stepchange. I think. Ideas? Concerns? 

Humdinger1

@foxandflowers we are all rooting for you.  Could you look into some low cost counselling? I don't want to be rude or upset you, but self-esteem seems to be at the heart of this.  Your doctor could point you in the direction of something quite possibly free?  Love Humdinger xx 

IdaClaire

Oh, my love, don’t you see? The very part of your life your are unable to face, is the part that is the root cause of all of this. The image of him driving around in a Merc (I can’t even…), while you’re scraping together a quid for the bus. 

I really hope you see the light soon. For you and your daughter. God knows you deserve it.

You have quite the support group here and we are cheering you on x

lillypoo

Hi f&f

You mention eventual full and final offers. Have you got enough in hand each month to save towards those offers? 

I think, personally, that going without the brownies and wine once a week for the foreseeable future is unsustainable. You need a bit of pleasure, no matter how small, in order to be in this for the long run. Not that I'm an expert at all ...but to me cutting off all the littlejoys in life would make my dmp like a really strict diet ...where I'm told I categorically cannot have mini eggs so I crave them more than ever. Go cold turkey and totally without for three weeks then week four I have a total blow out and gorge on them and eat way more than if I had had my normal bag once a week as usual.

Do you know what I mean? 

foxandflowers

@Humdinger1 I will think about it x
@IdaClaire It is something I am chewing on. I think my plan would be to sell the car, and then buy a tiny cheap 1 litre car, like a citygo or polo. Then I can eventually think about lessons for myself, and get insured on the little car. It would be cheaper than running the Merc, which aside from having heated seats, has not been a sensible purchase at all. 

@lillypoo Are you me? I absolutely am guilty of this. The low spend year I am trying to do is really tough, especially because I'm now itching to be paid and spend money that I've worked hard to earn...  which then ends with the same cycle of struggling through the last fortnight of the month.  I am at the point where once again I hate everything I own and don't want to wear any of it, which I'm sure is to do with the fact that I know I shouldn't be spending money on whims and should be paying bills instead.
I don't have anywhere near the funds on hand to F&F but I'm thinking once I've paid off the smaller debts, I can put that £108 a month into savings and then use that to make offers with once its's built up a bit. At least two of the Stepchange debts have sent me reduced offers so far. Long way off from doing that though. £25 a week seems manageable to find from somewhere, at least for now. And if I get any windfalls in the meanwhile, those can be applied to debt reduction too, instead of "treating" myself.