Diary of a 30-something idiot

stymied

I would suggest reducing your payment to StepChange to a more manageable level for now x

LouisaAlmighty

I am also starting to believe this is a troll thread. 

Sarahwithlove

stymied said:

I would suggest reducing your payment to StepChange to a more manageable level for now x

This may be a good idea or review applying for benefits such as UC if you are still entitled. 

I understand you want to keep the nicer things in life because it is going to be a long road. But you can only have those things if it's within your budget. It may be you need to do away with with for a few months, go back to basics, get a realistic budget that allows for an EF and sinking funds. Then slowly add them back one by one if they are affordable. Do you have any you could share? I use my brothers Netf!x and they use my pr!me for example. YouTube and Spotify premium are luxuries, just listen to ads and save the pennies. 

SuzeQStan

If this is a troll thread then I feel like a complete idiot over the many months of reading heart in mouth, posting about things I’ve never said to anyone regardless of it being anonymous on here.

backinbusiness

I don't believe this is a troll thread, but a thread written by someone who literally isn't seeing the wood for the trees. It is very, very hard to perceive one's own life situation with "balance". Perhaps only with distance and a bit of time.

But Fox - your current position is untenable - Mr Fox needs to be out working, or if he cannot he needs to be bringing in some money to the household somehow.

I truly wish you all the best. BiB x 

helensbiggestfan

In a way I wish it was a troll thread.  But I don't think it is.  I think it's genuine,  I think Foxy is being financially abused. 

There is a term - "Hobosexual".  It means someone (usually a man) who wheedles their way into someone's life, marrying them or living with them, purely to leech off them, refusing to work or contribute anything of worth to a relationship.  They choose sweet, kind, generous people like Foxy on purpose.  Then, when they have used up the victims resources and destroyed them they move on to the next target.  

 Obviously I haven't met Mr F and I haven't heard his side of the story so am not in a position to judge. Maybe he is entirely innocent and does not warrant such a label.  However, some of Mrs Fs confidences do give cause for concern. 

  

Bluegreen143

I think it’s better that for any thread you think is a troll, just don’t engage. I don’t like seeing posters of long running threads accused of it, it must be very upsetting if they’re genuine (which is likely for a thread as long running as this). 

Fox, I know you’ve had a lot of tough love the last few days. Please do see it as evidence that people care about you. Not everything might land but don’t dismiss the comments out of hand either. Often we do hand to get uncomfortable to face really challenging circumstances like yours. Still rooting for you!

time2change_2

I'm a regular reader of diaries but rarely comment - usually because others have already said it.

Like Baron Dale I would like to see the title changed. What we say to ourselves about ourselves is SO important. We should be as nice to ourselves as we would be to a friend. You wouldn't call a friend an idiot in this situation so why do it to yourself.

You are a strong brave woman trying to do the best for her family on a single income in difficult circumstances.

I think the comment about it not being a DF diary is inappropriate and irrelevant. There are lots of diaries on here that aren't necessarily DFW for all sorts of reasons. It is your diary to use as you wish. If others don't like it they don't need to read it

When I was struggling on a single income I broke things down into Non negotiables/Necessities/wants/debt repayments.

Non negotiables kept a roof over our head/fed/warm/clothed/travel for work & school. These were allocated first, couldn't be used for anything else but once gone that was it. So rent/groceries/utilities/council tax/home insurance/broadband/clothing (uniforms/work/basics). I used value ranges for toiletries etc as I didn't want to skimp on food but if the shower gel/deodorant wasn't the best it didn't matter as long as it did its job.
My necessities were mobile phones/vehicle expenses (to get to work & school), school trips (although I couldn't do the expensive ski trips etc) a fun budget (small but necessary), an emergency fund. I'd include the travel for the other children in here but it has to come after the non negotiables.  
Debt repayments - particularly to Friends/family the CCs etc can wait unless its going to affect keeping the house 
Wants - was everything else and often didn't happen. In your situation that includes alcohol/vaping/subscriptions (except one the whole family would use & is from the fun budget)

Sometimes the car didn't get serviced or fixed as quickly as I might have liked but we always ate and kept warm. If the tyres were still legal (even if low) I would have waited until I had the money rather than leave my grocery budget short.

This helped me stop the spiral of robbing Peter to pay Paul all the time and chip away at the debts knowing everything else was covered. Doing it like this gave me certainty of how much I could spend on what/when.

I am lucky enough to have got through it and now if I want those luxuries I can buy them but often don't because they are not what gives me the best value for my money.   

   

ET22

Hi, i thought id just drop by and say ive read all these most recent posts and i have to say , if you carry on doing the same thing then the outcome wont change. You need to change your mindset about the relationship you are in. I dont think that will change unless you engage with a domestic abuse service. You cant see the wood for the trees because your partner has you trying to frantically take care of everything and that is why you cant see whats going on. You need to engage with a domestic abuse service to help you gain an  understanding of what is going on. If you do and you come to understand you are then this will underpin positive changes in other aspects of your life, ie, finances. 

If after youve engaged with a domestic abuse service and there is no domestic abuse identified then the issue is finances only x

I hope i dont sound too full on but people have raised concerns its a troll thread and thats because things arent moving foward x

I think you and your little girl deserve the best x 

marzipan.

I have thought long and hard before posting here, over many weeks. 

Please take this post as it is intended, being written from concern for you and your daughter.

ET22 above succinctly stated what many readers will no doubt be thinking but I just hope you take steps to help your daughter and yourself to get away from this awful life and your constant struggles that we read about.

What joy do you have in life as a result of being the only earner in the house? 

How can you support yourself and daughter adequately when the rest of the household & overnight/weekend guests do not help. (I can see you have said your stepson is going to pay towards some of his keep, is this happening?)

It is not financially viable to have the van.

If you travel to work by public transport, it is not needed - you do not drive.

Shopping can be delivered.

Vaping has to stop. It’s not essential, if he wants to vape, tell him to fund it himself.

If the van is needed for MrF to collect his children, then he needs to find a way to finance this. It is Not your responsibility.

I know you see them as family, but he is responsible for their wellbeing and financing their needs. Not you. 

He needs to be earning. It’s as simple as that.

It is not for you to be financially responsible for providing his entertainment while you graft at work and do the lions share of everything in Your home. 

Your inheritance is being petered away by people taking advantage of you. You have already downsized to help yourself out of a financial hole - that is becoming deeper constantly. 

If you had a mortgage or rent to pay, do you think his attitude towards not paying to anything would change? Luckily you don’t have this to consider, but I can’t help but think he sees you as a golden ticket.

If you lived alone with your daughter, how would your day to day life change? 

Financially, your bills and commitments would be reduced by the fact you aren’t paying out for vans, insurances, extra shopping, unnecessary subscriptions etc. 

Please think long and hard about what tens of people here are consistently saying to you. 

You need help, emotionally you are not being treated well at all and to be grateful that MrF has sometimes made a meal or tidied around, well that’s pitiful because if you were in an equal relationship where both/all parties pulled their weight and contributed to the home then you’d see it’s just what equal partners do in a committed relationship.

My opinion is that you are in an abusive relationship and are massively being taken advantage of by your ‘partner’. 

You have people on here who are supporting you, wishing you well, caring about your well-being. 

Whenever your family needs a treat/holiday/clothes/food/anything, it is solely You who is expected to provide it. 

You provide Everything. Absolutely everything. And as a result, you carry the entire burden, all the responsibility. How is that fair?

You are providing a roof over the head of people who show you no respect (not including mini fox here, obviously) no regard for how hard you work and who has no intention of Ever changing in order to help you. 

Who ever treats you? Who ever buys you a gift for a birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day etc? 

Who makes you feel valued? Appreciated? Loved? 

What would happen if you lost your income? 

Please protect yourself and your daughter, she may grow up to think this is normal for someone to be mistreated in the way you are being by your partner. 

If a friend came to you in exactly the same situation as you are in, what would you advise them to do? 

It made me sad to read a few pages ago that you’d lost an earbud or something like that and your partner recommended you got some Apple ones as his are great and I thought, how does he have those when he’s not working and has no income and there’s you doing all the work, pawning jewellery and other items just to get by. That’s what prompted me to think about posting. 

I’m wishing you all the luck in the world to get out of this situation, Foxandflowers and have a lovely life together with your daughter.

Please, at least take the advice above, speak to someone about this and get advice from someone who can be objective and offer a way forward. 

I want you to be a happy, carefree person who is not constantly looking for ways to get out of this situation. 

Sending you lots of cyber-support. 

You are worth it x

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