Diary of a 30-something idiot

foxgloves

Some good suggestions there from @Elisheba. This must be so utterly stressfuI, @foxandflowers. I agree that getting a handle on living within your budget for a few months without overspending it, borrowing even more or having to hock your stuff to pawnbrokers is THE absolute most important thing at the moment. If you did have anything leftover, then an emergency fund is more important than making overpayments. Running out of money on a monthly basis while you are paying for non-essential subscriptions & vaping just doesn't make any sense. I would stop adding up the debt & overthinking how long you are going to be paying it. Over-paying it isn't viable in your current situation. The monthly amount is managed by Stepchange so why not just let them get on with it, as someone else suggested, while you concentrate on living within monthly income? It honestly is the only thing that's going to make a difference. It must be so stressful running out of money early every month & needing to pawn or sell things to enable you to pay for essentials. You could make it easier by getting rid of the subscriptions (keep either Prime or Netflix, but not both). It honestly doesn't matter who uses them or how often if you can't afford them & as you are running out of money every month, then you can't. 
Have you had a 3 month period yet in which you have lived entirely within your income, paid all of your bills & not resorted to borrowing more or pawning your stuff? This is what you need to work on. Everything else is for the fairies at the moment. 
All of us who follow your diary are willing you to make the changes necessary to succeed. I think it would reduce your stress levels hugely.
Best wishes,
F x

londoner2019

+1 to foxgloves - I don't think there are many other threads on here where so many strangers are wishing one person well so much. We're all rooting for you!

Sarahwithlove

foxgloves said:

Some good suggestions there from @Elisheba. This must be so utterly stressfuI, @foxandflowers. I agree that getting a handle on living within your budget for a few months without overspending it, borrowing even more or having to hock your stuff to pawnbrokers is THE absolute most important thing at the moment. If you did have anything leftover, then an emergency fund is more important than making overpayments. Running out of money on a monthly basis while you are paying for non-essential subscriptions & vaping just doesn't make any sense. I would stop adding up the debt & overthinking how long you are going to be paying it. Over-paying it isn't viable in your current situation. The monthly amount is managed by Stepchange so why not just let them get on with it, as someone else suggested, while you concentrate on living within monthly income? It honestly is the only thing that's going to make a difference. It must be so stressful running out of money early every month & needing to pawn or sell things to enable you to pay for essentials. You could make it easier by getting rid of the subscriptions (keep either Prime or Netflix, but not both). It honestly doesn't matter who uses them or how often if you can't afford them & as you are running out of money every month, then you can't. 
Have you had a 3 month period yet in which you have lived entirely within your income, paid all of your bills & not resorted to borrowing more or pawning your stuff? This is what you need to work on. Everything else is for the fairies at the moment. 
All of us who follow your diary are willing you to make the changes necessary to succeed. I think it would reduce your stress levels hugely.
Best wishes,
F x

Ditto everything above. Please work on your budget. If your family want the extras then they need to find ways to make that money. Sign your OH up to survey sites/apps and prolific. Mystery shopper, research groups etc. If they suddenly stop getting everything they want you may find you get more help financially with making money. Your taking on the stress of the whole family and at some point will burn out if you don't get a hold of the situation. We all want that's best for you and for you to put yourself first for a change. 

Kim_13

Sarahwithlove said:

foxgloves said:

Some good suggestions there from @Elisheba. This must be so utterly stressfuI, @foxandflowers. I agree that getting a handle on living within your budget for a few months without overspending it, borrowing even more or having to hock your stuff to pawnbrokers is THE absolute most important thing at the moment. If you did have anything leftover, then an emergency fund is more important than making overpayments. Running out of money on a monthly basis while you are paying for non-essential subscriptions & vaping just doesn't make any sense. I would stop adding up the debt & overthinking how long you are going to be paying it. Over-paying it isn't viable in your current situation. The monthly amount is managed by Stepchange so why not just let them get on with it, as someone else suggested, while you concentrate on living within monthly income? It honestly is the only thing that's going to make a difference. It must be so stressful running out of money early every month & needing to pawn or sell things to enable you to pay for essentials. You could make it easier by getting rid of the subscriptions (keep either Prime or Netflix, but not both). It honestly doesn't matter who uses them or how often if you can't afford them & as you are running out of money every month, then you can't. 
Have you had a 3 month period yet in which you have lived entirely within your income, paid all of your bills & not resorted to borrowing more or pawning your stuff? This is what you need to work on. Everything else is for the fairies at the moment. 
All of us who follow your diary are willing you to make the changes necessary to succeed. I think it would reduce your stress levels hugely.
Best wishes,
F x

Ditto everything above. Please work on your budget. If your family want the extras then they need to find ways to make that money. Sign your OH up to survey sites/apps and prolific. Mystery shopper, research groups etc. If they suddenly stop getting everything they want you may find you get more help financially with making money. Your taking on the stress of the whole family and at some point will burn out if you don't get a hold of the situation. We all want that's best for you and for you to put yourself first for a change. 

This.

I don’t think you vape yourself, while having very little in the way of treats, so it’s no wonder that you’re fed up with it. A small amount of discretionary spending money might help - every month will be different, instead of just paying the same things over and over again for x years.

My suggestion would be keeping Netflix - Amazon deliveries are free if your husband collects them from a local pick up point, while it’s possible to receive a basic service from YouTube and Spotify without paying anything at all. You can go to any song and don’t need skips on an iPad.

jokono

Sarahwithlove said:

We all want that's best for you and for you to put yourself first for a change. 

Yourself AND your daughter. Not only does she go without now, she's also learning what the role of a woman in a relationship is. Go to work, do the household chores, be the responsible adult and keep the man happy, fed, entertained, content, don't dare bother him by asking to contribute in any way. And if he happens to come with children of his own, look after them too.

Sarahwithlove

jokono said:

Sarahwithlove said:

We all want that's best for you and for you to put yourself first for a change. 

Yourself AND your daughter. Not only does she go without now, she's also learning what the role of a woman in a relationship is. Go to work, do the household chores, be the responsible adult and keep the man happy, fed, entertained, content, don't dare bother him by asking to contribute in any way. And if he happens to come with children of his own, look after them too.

Yes definitely this. Whilst its convenient having him home for your daughter it means she is seeing him more than you. Every other couple make it work with 2 working parents and childcare. I feel like you just make excuses for him and he is happy to jump on board with them as he gets everything he wants and doesn't go without. 

SuzeQStan

To be fair I think that Fox has her reasons for not speaking out more on why her OH doesn’t work/claim benefit etc.  

There could be a myriad reasons why - nationality, mental health, child care, past history preventing claim.  Just off top of head.  

Point is that OP has indicated this is not something that is up for change anytime soon. And Fox has stated the relationship is not abusive whilst indicating past relationships to have been.  

How many men have supported non working women?  Would we blink if that was Fox current scenario? 

birdsfoottrefoil

SuzeQStan said:

To be fair I think that Fox has her reasons for not speaking out more on why her OH doesn’t work/claim benefit etc.  

There could be a myriad reasons why - nationality, mental health, child care, past history preventing claim.  Just off top of head.  

Point is that OP has indicated this is not something that is up for change anytime soon. And Fox has stated the relationship is not abusive whilst indicating past relationships to have been.  

How many men have supported non working women?  Would we blink if that was Fox current scenario? 

I think the issue is that even if it’s not the same abuse as she’s experienced previously, there are clear signs of financial and verbal abuse. I don’t think comparing it to women not working is fair, as we all know anecdotally and from statistics that women in these situations are generally “running the household” and providing childcare. Mr Fox does not seem to be a House-Husband, there has been several previous post about him not contributing to the domestic side and being generally very unpleasant to Fox. 

I don’t think there would be as many people concerned about Fox if she was coming home to a clean house with her supper made each night and all the washing done. This isn’t happening and if it does it’s as she has had to raise it with him. 

She is supporting him with no emotional or physical support to her, generally he seems
to agree with the further things she should cut out of her life whilst he continues vaping. 

No wonder she is fed up! I think we all would be!! 

[Deleted User]

I have dipped into this diary from time to time but have not commented before as I worry I would say the wrong thing.

At times I have also found it too dramatic and painful to read.

However, I would like to make the following suggestions. I do not intend offence and they can simply be ignored.
I am also saying these things as a male. Not sure that makes a difference, but just saying.

First of all the family income needs to be increased, no ifs, no buts. Or expenses that YOU pay for must be reduced.

The partner/husband needs to get a job, any job, to bring in money. No excuses. Give him a reasonable time period (to be honest he has had long enough) then ask, no tell him to leave, if he doesn't get one.
I believe the house is in your name.

Any adult in the household who is not contributing to expenses without good reason should be asked to do so or also leave.

I personally would also increase the £200 a month rent. No way way would that person get such a deal elsewhere.

You should stop being responsible for the expenses of any children who are not yours.

As to finances,

Stop buying premium bonds. You simply can't afford them!

All of the following should go unless other adults are prepared to pay for them
Spotify: £20   
Cloud Storage: £5
Ring Doorbell: £8 just unnecessary at the moment
Playstation: £15  Unaffordable
Amazon Prime: £9 completely unnecessary
Netflix: £18     ------ family plan, used by us and kids.
Clothes: £10   -------- anything extra to be supplemented by selling on Vinted.
Vaping: £50 Absolutely not for you to provide.
Eating Out: £50     You can't afford this.
illumicrate: £37   No idea what this is but is it necessary.?
Youtube Premium: £13 you can't afford this

Total monthly saving  £235 !!

Family can be content with free catch and streaming until finances improve, or they pay for them.

Bills look ok.

The van. Why do you need it? Could you use a cheaper run around for now? Over £800 a year insurance is crazy and unaffordable.

If you do not take action to really tackle your budget and reduce debt this saga will run and run.

You come across as a caring and intelligent person, perhaps too caring. You deserve a happier and more secure future.

There is no way I would allow myself  to work so hard both inside and outside the home to keep other grown ups in a style that they do not deserve.

I strongly believe that others are unfairly taking advantage of you. In a family all pull together in times of need.

To be honest my nuclear suggestion  would be to sell the house and buy a flat just for you and your daughter. Mortgage and debt free ! But that is me! I bet you would soon see the others  sort themselves out if they had too.

I sincerely wish you well in your efforts to build a decent life for you and your daughter. Hopefully a debt free one too.

However, it will not be easy and there will have to be some tough discussions and hard decisions.

Best wishes.

millymolly22

Have to say I totally agree with Baron Dale.  My DH spent a period of time out of work and looked after our children.  He did the laundry but he didn't do cooking.  He also did not expect any extras to be paid for such as you tube Spotify playstation etc and if DH is at home all day why is a Ring doorbell necessary.  I can totally understand how easy life can be childcare wise with a parent at home but these are unnecessary expenses for any family struggling to pay food bills.