Diary of a 30-something idiot

HearThem

Keep checking here for updates. Hope you are okay. 

lillypoo

You're very quiet fox. Hope all is well .

lellybun

Another one hoping you are ok Fox.
Hoping to hear from you soon.

Judes123

Hope you are ok? Peoples comments might seem harsh…but we are all behind you..please post,even if you have nothing much to say ( so we know you are ok) x

foxandflowers

Am here. 

The car went to WBAC yesterday and fetched £8200 (£8,100 after admin fees). The money still hasn't cleared into my account. It's saying by 8pm today, but I have this awful gut feeling that something is going to go wrong. I've cancelled the insurance and await £241 to return to my bank account within 3-5 working days. It irritates me no end that they take the money immediately, but they don't return it straight away.

2,000 will go on clearing debt - including getting my phone bill back down to where it should be, and getting rid of Mayglothling entirely. 2,500 will be going into emergency fund that is split between 200 in the bills pot as a buffer, 1300 in PBs and 1000 in next day access account earning 4.6% AER. I need to do a stock up food shop pretty desperately as there is hardly any food in the house, and I need to put money aside for the upcoming birthdays we have, and renew the annual parking permit. I also need to get a skip, and some knickers that don't have actual holes in them.

I've managed to break my glasses and they are currently held together with duck tape and blutac. I loved them, I think the best thing to do would be just buy replacement frames, and replace the lenses? 

I had an appointment at the hospital with the anaesthetist yesterday to discuss my options ahead of my sterilisation surgery. It was a surprisingly heavy appointment, lots of trauma was brought up from the time I nearly died on the operating table under General anaesthetic whilst having an emergency c-section due to an abruption. I have weird issues around anaesthetic which is in part due to my interoception being a little off due to the autism. It was deemed that while I was a "safe" candidate for GA, the psychological trauma of going under complete sedation would outweigh the benefits, so it looks as though I will be having a spinal instead. Hopefully it goes smoothly, as if it doesn't the options are to flood me with local, abort the surgery, or put me fully under. They also will be sedating me when they give me the spinal so that I don't have a meltdown over people touching me (another autistic problem). 

The estate agent is coming round to photograph our house today. I've been thinking about it since last week. I can absolutely see how it might seem like a rash decision and one where I am headed for a rapidly approaching disaster. But we went to view the house we are interested in on Saturday. There is another offer in currently, but the people who have offered are not proceedable. The bedrooms and garden are bigger than it looked on the photos, the bathroom is smaller. The whole house smelled like dogs and the kitchen cupboards need someone to give them a serious bleaching. The EA was pretty useless and didn't offer any information. But it had a really nice vibe to it, and I could picture us there. Its about 2 miles from our house now, so no need to change schools etc. I'm going to put ours on the market, and see what the offers are that come in. I have a set minimum I will accept in my head; I don't want to be worse off than I was before I bought it for £200k and the offer needs to cover EA fees, moving costs & solicitors as well. I don't however expect it to cover the cost of the new kitchen as I think that would be unrealistic. 

I am so utterly tired of being alive. 

lillypoo

Fox. I am confused...how long have you had the car? Didnt you pay £14000 for it?

foxandflowers

@lillypoo - yep it is a horrendous overall loss of money and I am sick over it. But also we have no money. So now by tonight we should have some. See above: tired of being alive. I'm just sort of done with everything. I don't have the energy to care at this point. 

lillypoo

Oh no please don't feel like that. Get a piece of paper and write down just five little things that make you happy, give you pleasure or bring you joy today. If you look fir them you will find them. 

CoffeeSonata

Hi @foxandflowers. Have been wondering how you were all weekend.  

It’s no wonder with everything , the impossible decisions you are trying to make and the weight of them you are beyond  tired and  done with everything. 

So sorry about your glasses . If you get the exact same frames, they may be able to put the existing lenses into them if the lenses are fine ? 

Have you told Mr Fox how you are feeling or tired to have the conversation that even selling the house is only buying time and clearing some debt, it’s not a long term answer and you need the extra income of universal credit (or other proper extra income ?) 

Are you sure sterilisation right now when you are so stressed is a good idea? 

It’s a hell of a lot to cope with sensory wise and being touched wise with spinal. 

And so stressful to you.  Also you are young. 

Im guessing hormone control - say the coil? Isn’t acceptable? (It’s very effective and lasts 5 years?) 

I’m wondering given how stressed it’s already making you and how heavy the appointment was is it something that can be delayed and other long term options used for now? 

Why, when there is so much implication for you and trauma and complexity and so difficult are you the one being sterilised? Why not Mr Fox? 

It’s so much more of an easy surgery for me; so very much easier for them all round than us.  

Edit: reading above properly of what the problem is - is it the danger of getting pregnant again to you , that you could have another abruption a motivating reason? 

Or just done with kids together? 

Could you delay that one until life is less stressful and investigate other options for you instead to take the pressure off one thing for now? 

Re: car. I’m so sorry it was so much less.  WBAC will pay but often things take 24 hours and form clear weekends. 

I will be back with some house questions and maybe a suggestion to give breathing space , but don’t want to go into suggestion mode and overwhelm you.

just one question : do you love that house as much as you love this house ? 

Does it have your sea window from the kitchen? 

Not just can you imagine  yourself living there or practicalities, do you like it as much as your current house? When you walk in there how do you feel? 

It’s all so hard because you are trying some sort of Herculean task. With almost impossible math.  

You are doing very well and have come a long way. I know there are still personal challenges and yes when money becomes very tight in a month you absolutely are going to have to say no to other things (including subscriptions, travel, anything other than basic food for everyone) and the reality of having to do that is hard and harsh. And miserable. But it is something that does need to be done to make it through the month until things improve .


 But no one could do all the things you even need to do for all the people on the amount of money you have coming in.

Let alone the extras.  

It’s no wonder you feel like this.  It’s some sort of burning out. 

Be kind to yourself today.  Maybe try to get for a walk on the beach  or the headlands  - alone or with mini fox and take some deep breaths. 

warby68

Please get some help with the way you are feeling Fox.