Wife Spending Too Much. Can I Protect My Savings?

Grumpy_chap

Just to put a cat amongst the pigeons...

The OP thinks that his wife spends too much.

Does the OP's wife think that the OP should spend more?

It can be difficult to get the balance right between spending / living for today versus saving for the future.

Jude57

Brie said:

She says she spends as she has so much stress.  That sounds like there is something major the matter that she isn't dealing with.  The spending is irrelevant as long as that whatever is unresolved.  

Meanwhile - I'd be tempted to take away all her credit cards including any access she has on her mobile.  Not saying that's actually a good thing to do but it might make her stop and think.  

While I entirely understand that as a suggestion, I'd advise against actually doing anything like that without the agreement of the wife. Credit cards are never in joint names: additional cards may be issued on an account but are still in the account holder's name only). If this is the case then by all means cancel the additional cards. Any cards or accounts in the wife's sole name are hers to do with as she wishes, even if that goes against her own best interests or those of the couple. She's an adult and as such is free to make her own decisions, even if those are bad decisions which negatively impact you. Removing her credit cards or otherwise attempting to limit her financial independence could well be seen as controlling behaviour on OP's part, whatever his actual motivations.

As far as I know, the only way to protect yourself, OP, is to record on your credit files a Notice of Disassociation. 

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3907151/notice-of-disassociation-forms-addresses

I'm not sure how your wife would feel about you doing that, but I can't see it being positive from her standpoint. 

I've got to say, I agree with previous posters cautioning against having a child at this point. If you disagree on something so fundamental as family finances, I would fear that you would resent being the sole family breadwinner during (and perhaps long after) maternity leave. You and your wife don't seem to be on the same page so until and unless that changes, don't make the situation harder for both of you.

If your wife uses spending to relieve stress, there is nothing you can do to stop her if she doesn't see the problem. Repeatedly bailing her out or allowing her to pay you by instalments for holidays already taken is infantilising her and not giving her responsibility for her poor decisions. If she can't afford to pay for a holiday, don't holiday together. Plenty of couples holiday separately but if you don't want to do this, let her pay you instalments BEFORE you book the holiday. Both of you saving towards the holiday could be good for her.  There's help available to her for stress but unless she actively acknowledges she has a problem, no help will be effective. Only you can know whether a lifetime of dealing with this is something you are prepared to do.

Pollycat

Grumpy_chap said:

Just to put a cat amongst the pigeons...

The OP thinks that his wife spends too much.

Does the OP's wife think that the OP should spend more?

It can be difficult to get the balance right between spending / living for today versus saving for the future.

That's a really telling phrase.
The OP started a thread on the Pensions board with a very similar title.

In my personal experience, it's impossible for a saver and a spender to work together.
My ex was happy as long as he'd got money in his pocket to buy a drink.

It does sound like the OP 's wife is spoilt.
But it can be hard for high earners not to spend on 'stuff'.

pinkshoes

Financial compatibility in a relationship is SO important. 

Before even contemplating children, you need to sort this out first!

It sounds like the two of you are completely on different pages when it comes to spending.

I'm guessing if you spent money like she does, then there would be no holiday, and you would have to borrow money to pay for any emergency?

Sit down with her and talk about it.

If you haven't already, I would suggest a joint bank account where you pay in a fair/agreed proportion of your salaries that needs to cover ALL household stuff (bills, food, mortgage, holiday savings, emergency savings, days out), then the rest in your own accounts pays for your own stuff (car, mobile phone, gym membership etc...).

That way she will have a limit on what she can spend.

Grumpy_chap

Pollycat said:

Grumpy_chap said:

Just to put a cat amongst the pigeons...

The OP thinks that his wife spends too much.

Does the OP's wife think that the OP should spend more?

It can be difficult to get the balance right between spending / living for today versus saving for the future.

That's a really telling phrase.
The OP started a thread on the Pensions board with a very similar title.

In my personal experience, it's impossible for a saver and a spender to work together.
My ex was happy as long as he'd got money in his pocket to buy a drink.

It does sound like the OP 's wife is spoilt.
But it can be hard for high earners not to spend on 'stuff'.

This thing of being a saver / spender can be a status that changes through life phases as well.

A spender that does too much spending will be forced to change - hopefully before any real financial harm is done.
A saver that moves into a position whereby the belt can be loosened off a bit may find that a difficult adjustment.

BellaLasagna2018

Brie said:

She says she spends as she has so much stress.  That sounds like there is something major the matter that she isn't dealing with.  The spending is irrelevant as long as that whatever is unresolved.  

Meanwhile - I'd be tempted to take away all her credit cards including any access she has on her mobile.  Not saying that's actually a good thing to do but it might make her stop and think.  

This is such a bad idea! She is not a child, and this looks very much like financial abuse this kind of advice, as well as the best way to add resentment to an already tricky situation! 

Retireby40

Grumpy_chap said:

Just to put a cat amongst the pigeons...

The OP thinks that his wife spends too much.

Does the OP's wife think that the OP should spend more?

It can be difficult to get the balance right between spending / living for today versus saving for the future.

The OPs wife would have a problem if the OP spent like her and the boiler so happened to need replacing.

Sounds very much like the OPs partner spends on the things she wants knowing that OP will foot the cost of any essential maintenance or bills.

Gycraig

How do you split money in your relationship ?. 

Her blowing her own income is absolutely fine, you paying for house maintenance because she has blown her money is not absolutely fine. 

I would simply tell her from now on any house repairs will be 50-50 and she’s responsible for repairing her own car if repairs come up. Why wouldn’t she spend every penny she gets if muggings of a husband will cover the “boring” stuff. 

Put some of your savings in cash and say you gambled it away ? 

RobM99

This is not a financial problem - it's a relationship problem. The money is a symptom, not a cause. 

london21

Better to sort things out before starting a family because very hard for people to change their habits.

She seems a spender and you seem a saver. You both need to communicate; she might not understand why you do not spend.

It seems you want her to change, but more importantly does she want to change?

You mentioned she is in her late 20s are you around the same age or is there a big age gap, she will have to decide to get better with her finance, although you can guide and advice, only her can make the decision and take the necessary action.

You are already thinking about divorce and what if's, ensure you are confutable with how things are without change before starting a family and more longer-term commitment.

It seems her parents are enabling her by still paying her phone bills.

If she is stressed, are there other methods she can de-stress without spending emotionally?