Wife Spending Too Much. Can I Protect My Savings?

lika_86

I'm confused about the fact that you're married and have not mentioned how you split your finances. It's fine to keep them separate, but there are shared expenses in life such as holidays, bills or life expenditure where it's easy enough to set a budget where at the start of the month you both put X amount in and then spend from there. Likewise savings like an emergency fund. Have you had conversations about that? Once you both are clear on what is disposable income then it doesn't matter what that is spent on.

caprikid1

I think the problem here is communication.

Do pay bills and the mortgage 50/50 ? How do you achieve this ? Joint bank account ?

Incidentally there is no way of protecting your savings without lying to a court in the event of divorce. You need to fix this now, that could be some compromise on your part also.

BTW A spender is not always a spender, my Ex  wife came from wealth and wasted money, 30 years on she is tight as.

It sounds like you need to agree an amount for a joint bank account that includes savings and a fair split and move on from this. 

You just need to budget saving into her spending so to speak.

Rosco32

Gycraig said:

How do you split money in your relationship ?. 

Her blowing her own income is absolutely fine, you paying for house maintenance because she has blown her money is not absolutely fine. 

I would simply tell her from now on any house repairs will be 50-50 and she’s responsible for repairing her own car if repairs come up. Why wouldn’t she spend every penny she gets if muggings of a husband will cover the “boring” stuff. 

Put some of your savings in cash and say you gambled it away ? 

Exactly this. Telling her that any house repairs, holidays etc will be 50-50 is the way to go. I would not back down nor give in either. Obviously it is her money that she has earned and she is spending, but it seems a little selfish in my opinion that she happily spends it without any due care and attention, and just assumes that any house repairs etc will be footed by yourself. In my opinion that is not ok.

getmore4less

Often what is missing are the longer term goals and how to achieve them.

eg If on the same page about kids then that needs a 20-25year plan in place BEFORE you have any.

That may lead onto, size of property, location of property, how many cars you need, types of car etc. 

A starting point is you covering her shortfalls then needs to get cut back, delayed with the aim for it to stop.

How much of this spending is using finance?  if lots like lease/loans for the cars breaking that cycle can take a year or two. 

Retireby40

You should have your own personal accounts and a joint account.

Both parties put an agreed amount into the joint account. The same amount. Doesn't matter who earns more or who earns less. Bills are accumulated by both people. So should be equal. You should both also include a little extra for emergencies.

After that whatever money is left each person can do what they like with it. 

It really is that simple. If you can't manage that then forget about having kids. You won't stand a chance.

RobM99

Retireby40 said:

It really is that simple. If you can't manage that then forget about having kids. You won't stand a chance.

...and that is the harsh reality.  

born_again

Adamc said:

Despite my wife earning more than me she cannot save. Spending is usually on superficial depreciating assets such as big car, designer clothes, and makeup. This can account for well over half her income in any given month.

Due to living frugally myself I can save half of my income. How can I continue to save without risking losing half if we cannot resolve these issues? Additional pension contributions? Any other protected long term investments? LISAs and S&S ISAs seem vulnerable if things were to turn sour over financial tensions. 

Despite my advice she will not save an emergency fund in case her big car needs work or we have a problem at home. When the boiler needed doing I footed the bill. I also have to pay for holidays and she pays me back in monthly instalments. 

It's a difficult situation for me as we want to start a family and get a better house but she will see a big drop in her 'disposable' income if we did either.  Obviously with current spending habits and related tensions this would have to wait. 

She is an only child and despite being in her late 20s and earning much more than them her parents pay her phone bill and often give her random expensive gifts. This is something I wouldn't want for my own children as I consider it spoiling and would prefer to reward them for achievements and invest in their education and life experiences. I appreciate that it's not my business what other people do with their money though.  

Everytime I try to bring up budgeting it leads to an argument as she gets very defensive and says its her way of coping with stress. 

I don't want to be overbearing or spoil our relationship but the spending needs to be curbed to some extent if we want to meet our goals. 

Speak to the parents & get them to stop paying her phone bill. Presents, that is up to them. Just remind them that you are married..

What is causing the stress? That needs to be resolved, or it will just get worse.

Pollycat

Retireby40 said:

You should have your own personal accounts and a joint account.

Both parties put an agreed amount into the joint account. The same amount. Doesn't matter who earns more or who earns less. Bills are accumulated by both people. So should be equal. You should both also include a little extra for emergencies.

After that whatever money is left each person can do what they like with it. 

It really is that simple. If you can't manage that then forget about having kids. You won't stand a chance.

I disagree with this.

People should manage their finances in whatever suits them.
We have had a joint account for over 30 years and it works for us.
It really is that simple for us.

However it's clear that the way the OP & his wife's finances are organised isn't working for them so they need to find a way that does work.

MalMonroe

RobM99 said:

This is not a financial problem - it's a relationship problem. The money is a symptom, not a cause. 

This. Is so true, RobM99 has hit this on the head with a mallet.

Please do not have a child with this woman because she's not mentally ready and she will not be able to care for a child since she's still basically one herself. I identify with your wife. I was not an only child but my parents doted on my brother and me. We never wanted for anything. And when we started working, we'd both been through appropriate training courses which meant we weren't low earners at the outset. We never had to struggle.

However, later in life we BOTH suffered great financial loss, stress and distress in our own ways. Mine started after my divorce - and I was left as a single parent with a 9 year old to raise and no financial know-how since my husband had taken over from my parents in that area when we married. My brother's financial troubles continued after his marriage because his wife has the very same personality as him and she comes from a very wealthy family.

When you're in any relationship, it isn't a case of one partner being in control of the other, like a substitute parent, it's supposed to be equal, without any blame being apportioned by anyone towards anyone. You must have known what your wife was like before you married. You can't try changing people because life just isn't like that.

Your wife earns a good salary. But she needs to be aware of household costs. If you could sit down together and go through your budgets so that you both know what is needed where. You arranging holidays and paying for the boiler without discussing these things with your wife indicates that you are the person taking over. 

Don't do those things. Make time to talk to your wife and start treating her like your equal, rather than your daughter. Let her make decisions and don't step up as you have been doing to organise everything. Maybe she didn't want to go on holiday, for example but felt she had to since you 'had' to arrange it. You don't 'have' to do anything. If you could make time to say that if you don't both get to grips with bills and spending then you'll have nothing left and you don't want to have to carry the financial burden on your own. If you hadn't paid for the boiler repair your wife probably would have had something to say about it and there was an opportunity to discuss your joint outgoings. 

Please do not speak to her parents, about anything. That will just cause more trouble. They can do as they wish with their own money and will resent your interference. (Personal experience.)

It seems to me that your wife is very unhappy and spending her own money on what she wants to buy is her way of coping. Having a really honest conversation is the only way forward. If I were she, I'd be absolutely appalled to learn that you'd been discussing our personal life on a public forum.

She can obviously afford to leave and to be honest I think it's only a matter of time before she does. Unless you talk. But if you can't then maybe it's time to let each other go and you can both be happy elsewhere. This marriage, I feel, just isn't working and won't work while one is the boss and the other resents that fact.

Retireby40

Pollycat said:

Retireby40 said:

You should have your own personal accounts and a joint account.

Both parties put an agreed amount into the joint account. The same amount. Doesn't matter who earns more or who earns less. Bills are accumulated by both people. So should be equal. You should both also include a little extra for emergencies.

After that whatever money is left each person can do what they like with it. 

It really is that simple. If you can't manage that then forget about having kids. You won't stand a chance.

I disagree with this.

People should manage their finances in whatever suits them.
We have had a joint account for over 30 years and it works for us.
It really is that simple for us.

However it's clear that the way the OP & his wife's finances are organised isn't working for them so they need to find a way that does work.

Where should joint bills come out of then if you only have separate accounts?

It's absolutely logical that a couple who have joint bills and expenses that are often difficult to separate have a joint account which takes away the debates or issue.

-mortgage
-electric 
-gas
-sky
-Internet 
-insurance
-cars
-repairs
-food 

How would a couple go about constantly saying oh I will pay x y and z if you pay a b and c and we are equal. Especially with the fluctuations of prices. Imagine the person paying the mortgage that has benefited from a new lower rate while the poor sod who has to pay for electric and heat has seen "their bills" soar in price.

You have a joint account because its simple and effective and saves arguments. It's exactly why I am telling the OP to do the same.