If I don't stop today, I will lose everything.

sammyjammy

I too have the same issue that if I go out and start drinking I don't have that thing in me that says thats enough now, to make it even worse I have a complete black out the day after from a certain time onwards.  Fortunately I only go out like that a few times a year.  

Nobody wants to go out and drink coke all night, its ok for one or two.  What I did when I went out this week was I shared a bottle of wine with someone else and then I drank alcohol free beer, I don't know about where you live but there are plenty of options in certain places here and its cheaper.  It tastes just as good as beer (took a few tries to find a good one) and I've even started having it at home now and then, I don't feel like i miss out because it has no alcohol in it, actually I quite like it.  As someone who is being tested for kidney donation its something I will continue.  

Alcohol free wine (not red!) is good as well but tends to be a little on the sweet side so needs to be very chilled or served with ice.  I was surprised how much they make me feel like I've had a treat to the extent its like my brain thinks I'm drinking alcohol and gives me all those feels of relaxation/sociability.

Be kind to yourself.

Sam

Retireby40

sammyjammy said:

I too have the same issue that if I go out and start drinking I don't have that thing in me that says thats enough now, to make it even worse I have a complete black out the day after from a certain time onwards.  Fortunately I only go out like that a few times a year.  

Nobody wants to go out and drink coke all night, its ok for one or two.  What I did when I went out this week was I shared a bottle of wine with someone else and then I drank alcohol free beer, I don't know about where you live but there are plenty of options in certain places here and its cheaper.  It tastes just as good as beer (took a few tries to find a good one) and I've even started having it at home now and then, I don't feel like i miss out because it has no alcohol in it, actually I quite like it.  As someone who is being tested for kidney donation its something I will continue.  

Alcohol free wine (not red!) is good as well but tends to be a little on the sweet side so needs to be very chilled or served with ice.  I was surprised how much they make me feel like I've had a treat to the extent its like my brain thinks I'm drinking alcohol and gives me all those feels of relaxation/sociability.

Be kind to yourself.

Sam

Hello Sam. Thanks for your message.

There's a thing here that is like a shandy. Sort of like a 1% alcohol thing. It would literally take you to drink 20 of them to feel like you've had a pint.

It's another option. By drinking that it means that I never ever get close to the point of "let's go out all night" but also doesn't make me like a killjoy for the others. 

Good luck in your quest for less black outs and a more sustainable way of life.

Retireby40

Langerhan said:

Well done for making this choice, which is going to help keep you healthier both physically and mentally.

Have you been able to make friends or any sort of social circle in the country you've moved to? I know it's hard to do in a second language, but it sounds like you've been having to rely on your wife and her friends for interactions. Is there an expat community where you are that you could join?

Alternatively, if you're just not a very sociable person, look to a hobby which could help reduce drinking. You mentioned running in your first post; a lot of people find it very helpful for wiping away stress.

Best of luck changing your habits for the better.

Friends wise not really. Aquaintances. But friends not really.

Making new friends in your 30s is incredibly hard in a new country. Throw in a language barrier, a hectic work schedule, kids and stuff its complicated. Impossible no.....but definitely difficult.

Only expat community is 1 hour away so difficult to be able to spend maybe 4-5 hours away from kids to attend.

The running is definitely something I will be starting up again and hopefully thay makes me view things in a more positive light. 

RAS

Although you are not in the GB, do look up Park Runs and also Men's Shed. The latter can be a bit of an oldie thing but they some attract younger men.

If nothing is going on locally, consider setting one up with a few other folk?

Langerhan

Retireby40 said:

Langerhan said:

Well done for making this choice, which is going to help keep you healthier both physically and mentally.

Have you been able to make friends or any sort of social circle in the country you've moved to? I know it's hard to do in a second language, but it sounds like you've been having to rely on your wife and her friends for interactions. Is there an expat community where you are that you could join?

Alternatively, if you're just not a very sociable person, look to a hobby which could help reduce drinking. You mentioned running in your first post; a lot of people find it very helpful for wiping away stress.

Best of luck changing your habits for the better.

Friends wise not really. Aquaintances. But friends not really.

Making new friends in your 30s is incredibly hard in a new country. Throw in a language barrier, a hectic work schedule, kids and stuff its complicated. Impossible no.....but definitely difficult.

Only expat community is 1 hour away so difficult to be able to spend maybe 4-5 hours away from kids to attend.

The running is definitely something I will be starting up again and hopefully thay makes me view things in a more positive light. 

Why would the 4-5 hours be away from the kids? Wouldn't it be good for them to learn more about the country one of their parents comes from?

Retireby40

Langerhan said:

Retireby40 said:

Langerhan said:

Well done for making this choice, which is going to help keep you healthier both physically and mentally.

Have you been able to make friends or any sort of social circle in the country you've moved to? I know it's hard to do in a second language, but it sounds like you've been having to rely on your wife and her friends for interactions. Is there an expat community where you are that you could join?

Alternatively, if you're just not a very sociable person, look to a hobby which could help reduce drinking. You mentioned running in your first post; a lot of people find it very helpful for wiping away stress.

Best of luck changing your habits for the better.

Friends wise not really. Aquaintances. But friends not really.

Making new friends in your 30s is incredibly hard in a new country. Throw in a language barrier, a hectic work schedule, kids and stuff its complicated. Impossible no.....but definitely difficult.

Only expat community is 1 hour away so difficult to be able to spend maybe 4-5 hours away from kids to attend.

The running is definitely something I will be starting up again and hopefully thay makes me view things in a more positive light. 

Why would the 4-5 hours be away from the kids? Wouldn't it be good for them to learn more about the country one of their parents comes from?

The expat community have like a meet up last Friday of every month in the evening/at night usually in a bar so not really kid friendly. Also the majority of expats in the area are not from the UK so they wouldn't learn much about it that way. 

Langerhan

Ah, sorry that it's in a bar, that's the opposite of what you're looking for! I'm guessing you're not in a capital city then. Do you have the sort of disposable income where you could take language lessons? I found I had a lot in common with other people who were trying to learn, even if we didn't have the same starter language. (These are just ideas for expanding your social circle, because having more friends outside of bar culture can be an easy way to avoid it - feel free to ignore if that's not the sort of thing you're looking for right now! Getting into running also sounds like a great idea.)

Longwalker

As an active alkie, can I just say, your wife doesn't hate you, she hates how the drink takes you

Hate is such a powerful word and its bandied about way too much

So you have woken up to the fact your drinking habits are causing you problems, thats step one as they say in AA ( don't worry Im not a fan of AA )

You can look up alcohol services in your area, back in my day they were pretty good, you will get seen and offered a few counselling sessions. I used mine ( 6) to come to terms that I really did have a problem and how I felt about losing my crutch and they got me a detox place once I was ready

Alcohol and depression live hand in hand, but the question is, what came first? 

Ive been on a long journey, I had to detox, I went into rehab - twice  - and after 12 years of sobriety Im back drinking so maybe you might think I have no right to advise, and you are right, so Im not , just sharing how my journey has been

Getting sober is actually incredibly easy, its staying sober thats tough. 

Rehab has to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, I was stripped bare mentally , I had to face my demons, I had to do all this without numbing the pain. But I did it with the support of the great centre and co alkies I was with

After a while I stopped my anti depressants that I was prescribed willy nilly over the years, then finally was diagnosed high anxiety and that the only tablet I still take. But with my drinkers head on I think Im fine and stop, then I start the spiral and start drinking again. As long as I stay on those I can deal with the day and don't need to sink a few

Its a life long condition but my life is certainly more manageable now I know so much about me and have pretty bloody good coping skills - in the great scheme of things Im getting now to being in a place where Im ok with whats happening in my life, Im not falling apart, Im facing things, and Im realising again I can do this without a drink

Good luck. Its not going to be easy, even accessing help now is so bloody hard, but don't be afraid to ask for it and take whatever help is out there. Other then that there is AA which does help so many. I couldn't work in AA, I was still holding so much anger, I might get on better if I can pluck up the courage to ask for help again, I don't know. But id never say to anyone not to give it a go, its somewhere where you are allowed to be you, no judgement

ossie48

Hello mate

There's a massively supportive forum here

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/

pearl123

My Dad was a drinker and I grew up around pubs/bars. I think of all the decades he spent in bars chatting away. He didn't make one long term good friend, via that route. Yes, he chatted away to everyone and had pleasant evenings.
Pubs pass the time, but that about it. People go there to escape the route of home and in some cases their own reality. 

There are better ways to gain social interaction. You don't gain much from sitting in a bar or pub garden. A bit of relaxation, but there are better ways of getting that. 
I look back a the decades and money wasted. I just wonder why our family, (lead by my father) was so stupid in wasting our time with booze and pubs. At the end of the day there's nothing to show for it, except a shortened life and a very substantial waste of money.