If I don't stop today, I will lose everything.

tooldle

Completely agree with RAS. 

"I think I need a whole shift in mentality and maybe speaking to someone will help that. I really haven't a clue where to go from here or what to expect. Or if I can actually change things like lack of empathy.

I just can't feel something I can't feel. My other half hears a story about someone she doesn't know or hasn't met and she is like oh know that's terrible. Whereas me....I'm like that's unfortunate and nothing more. 

If someone I don't know dies I don't feel anything. Whereas I'm being told I should. If something good happens me and I am not smiling from ear to ear I'm being told I have no emotions. And that it isn't good. I am being told that I have to be emotional. I have to feel what others feel or else I am of no value.

It's hard being told you are boring because you don't find stupid tiktok videos (for anyone of an age its social media video things) funny. 

It's difficult being a new parent when you have 0 support yet your other half has her whole family, friends, etc around at their doorstep. But when you actually say....I'm getting things tough they say....and what about me."

Be true to yourself. I don't feel anything when a stranger dies. If something good happens to me i don't smile from ear to ear. You are being told to be emotional, yet it reads as though your other half has no control over their emotions. The issue is theirs by the sound of things. 

GhibliFan

I think you would benefit from some counselling, OP.  Not being sad when a stranger dies isn't normal or abnormal. It's just normal for you. 

Or did you used to care about such things? If you used to care but don't now, that's different.  The onset of Apathy - that could be a symptom of any number of things. See your GP.  Tell him what you've told us. They can only help if you let them. 

Retireby40

GhibliFan said:

I think you would benefit from some counselling, OP.  Not being sad when a stranger dies isn't normal or abnormal. It's just normal for you. 

Or did you used to care about such things? If you used to care but don't now, that's different.  The onset of Apathy - that could be a symptom of any number of things. See your GP.  Tell him what you've told us. They can only help if you let them. 

Hello, thanks for the reply. To be honest I've never really been an emotional, empathic person. Never been overexcited or really sensitive or anything.

Very much to believe in being independent and not relying heavily on others. 

Think I'm gonna try a session with a counselor. I've never tried it before but maybe I will learn something. I've never been a big believer in those things either but it's probably because I've never really experienced it.

GP isn't an option. I live abroad and it's complicated with language barriers and just a cultural understanding as the country I live in now is quite different from where I am from.

RogerBareford

Retireby40 said:

Thanks for all the replies. At the moment I'm going to give up drinking. Let's see how that goes. I don't expect it to be particularly difficult as I never really drink about the house or have urges to drink.

My main issue isn't needing the first drink. In fact a rarely think about alcohol. Its when I've had the 5th drink that is the problem. It more or less tips the limit of....OK thats enough to, let's have a 6th,7th,8th,9th,10th etc.

My social scene will change as a lot of my time, especially in summer, is involved around bars as where I live it is very cultural to meet other families and friends in bars especially in terraces, where kids are welcome. The whole oh no I will just have a coke or a water. That's fair enough for an hour or two to catch up with people however the last thing I want to do is spending 4 or 5 hours there drinking water while others are joyfully drinking wine, beer or cider. So I'm going to have to get all the excuses prepared for not hanging around or not going. But that's better for me.

Depression, stress, a lack of empathy etc they are the really pressing issues and probably why when I binge drink I binge drink to excess. To numb or forget. To release all the build up I face. However that is not the answer and never will be. Running 10km can probably do the same thing but is healthy and doesn't cause me or my relationship problems. Drinking does.

I think I need a whole shift in mentality and maybe speaking to someone will help that. I really haven't a clue where to go from here or what to expect. Or if I can actually change things like lack of empathy.

I just can't feel something I can't feel. My other half hears a story about someone she doesn't know or hasn't met and she is like oh know that's terrible. Whereas me....I'm like that's unfortunate and nothing more. 

If someone I don't know dies I don't feel anything. Whereas I'm being told I should. If something good happens me and I am not smiling from ear to ear I'm being told I have no emotions. And that it isn't good. I am being told that I have to be emotional. I have to feel what others feel or else I am of no value.

It's hard being told you are boring because you don't find stupid tiktok videos (for anyone of an age its social media video things) funny. 

It's difficult being a new parent when you have 0 support yet your other half has her whole family, friends, etc around at their doorstep. But when you actually say....I'm getting things tough they say....and what about me. 

This will come across as bad attitude or selfish I know. But thats how I feel at the moment. Worn out thinking. Worn out trying to become "normal". 

It sounds to me that a big part of the problem is people telling you that you should feel a certain way and if you don't there is something wrong with you.

 

26 people die every minute so if someone actually felt sad when someone died they didn't know they would be in a constant state of depression so it's perfectly normal to not feel sad if someone you know doesn't die. Again with hearing a sad story about someone you don't know, it makes no sense you would feel sad unless you felt some way connected to that person.

As for TikTok video well just because someone is attempting to be funny it doesn't mean they are! Anyone can post on there and from what people have shown me it's mostly a load of rubbish that is not remotely funny. But the whole idea of TikTok is that they use an algorith to tailor videos to the person watching based on what it thinks they like so it makes perfect sense you wouldn't find it funny as everyone has a different sense of humour.

So anyone who tells you that your don't "feel" correctly then just think they really don't have a clue what they are talking about.

Pollycat

RogerBareford said:

Retireby40 said:

Thanks for all the replies. At the moment I'm going to give up drinking. Let's see how that goes. I don't expect it to be particularly difficult as I never really drink about the house or have urges to drink.

My main issue isn't needing the first drink. In fact a rarely think about alcohol. Its when I've had the 5th drink that is the problem. It more or less tips the limit of....OK thats enough to, let's have a 6th,7th,8th,9th,10th etc.

My social scene will change as a lot of my time, especially in summer, is involved around bars as where I live it is very cultural to meet other families and friends in bars especially in terraces, where kids are welcome. The whole oh no I will just have a coke or a water. That's fair enough for an hour or two to catch up with people however the last thing I want to do is spending 4 or 5 hours there drinking water while others are joyfully drinking wine, beer or cider. So I'm going to have to get all the excuses prepared for not hanging around or not going. But that's better for me.

Depression, stress, a lack of empathy etc they are the really pressing issues and probably why when I binge drink I binge drink to excess. To numb or forget. To release all the build up I face. However that is not the answer and never will be. Running 10km can probably do the same thing but is healthy and doesn't cause me or my relationship problems. Drinking does.

I think I need a whole shift in mentality and maybe speaking to someone will help that. I really haven't a clue where to go from here or what to expect. Or if I can actually change things like lack of empathy.

I just can't feel something I can't feel. My other half hears a story about someone she doesn't know or hasn't met and she is like oh know that's terrible. Whereas me....I'm like that's unfortunate and nothing more. 

If someone I don't know dies I don't feel anything. Whereas I'm being told I should. If something good happens me and I am not smiling from ear to ear I'm being told I have no emotions. And that it isn't good. I am being told that I have to be emotional. I have to feel what others feel or else I am of no value.

It's hard being told you are boring because you don't find stupid tiktok videos (for anyone of an age its social media video things) funny. 

It's difficult being a new parent when you have 0 support yet your other half has her whole family, friends, etc around at their doorstep. But when you actually say....I'm getting things tough they say....and what about me. 

This will come across as bad attitude or selfish I know. But thats how I feel at the moment. Worn out thinking. Worn out trying to become "normal". 

It sounds to me that a big part of the problem is people telling you that you should feel a certain way and if you don't there is something wrong with you.hing 

So anyone who tells you that your don't "feel" correctly then just think they really don't have a clue what they are talking about.

+1 to these comments.
The people closest to you are making you feel bad by trying to dictate how you should feel in certain circumstances instead of accepting you are not like them.

Retireby40

Don't get me wrong I do have my faults. Sometimes I'm abit impatient with people if I'm feeling stressed or feeling misunderstood.

Sometimes I just see so many difference in upbringing and family/cultural differences that I understand why things can be the way they are but my wife not. 

Again I don't want this to seem like I am perfect and it's all their fault it isn't. But the whole lack of empathy thing is the thing that bugs me.

The drink thing is my problem and drinking too much is a habit I need to kick. It isn't because of anyone but myself. Binge drinking is for me. And probably any form of drinking is better being forgotten about. 

Personality wise I don't know what I can change.

The depression part well there are some factors for the cause of that but brighter days will come back. Just need abit of help both from outside and myself.

sienew

Retireby40 said:

My main issue isn't needing the first drink. In fact a rarely think about alcohol. Its when I've had the 5th drink that is the problem. It more or less tips the limit of....OK thats enough to, let's have a 6th,7th,8th,9th,10th etc.

My social scene will change as a lot of my time, especially in summer, is involved around bars as where I live it is very cultural to meet other families and friends in bars especially in terraces, where kids are welcome. The whole oh no I will just have a coke or a water. That's fair enough for an hour or two to catch up with people however the last thing I want to do is spending 4 or 5 hours there drinking water while others are joyfully drinking wine, beer or cider. So I'm going to have to get all the excuses prepared for not hanging around or not going. But that's better for me.

Cutting out this social scene completely is probably the best thing you can do. Realistically sitting all evening in a bar while everyone else is drinking just doesn't end well.

It sounds like you have a wife and baby at home, that is your best and only excuse. Anyone who thinks it's wise to spend 4-5 hours drinking instead of being home with your wife and child probably isn't someone you need in your life right now. Learn to stick to your "no's" as well, peer pressure will mean people try push you to go "just for a bit" or "just one drink". Stick with your no's and don't let anyone push you into going into a situation that isn't in your best interests. Go home and spend that time rebuilding your relationship.

Retireby40

sienew said:

Retireby40 said:

My main issue isn't needing the first drink. In fact a rarely think about alcohol. Its when I've had the 5th drink that is the problem. It more or less tips the limit of....OK thats enough to, let's have a 6th,7th,8th,9th,10th etc.

My social scene will change as a lot of my time, especially in summer, is involved around bars as where I live it is very cultural to meet other families and friends in bars especially in terraces, where kids are welcome. The whole oh no I will just have a coke or a water. That's fair enough for an hour or two to catch up with people however the last thing I want to do is spending 4 or 5 hours there drinking water while others are joyfully drinking wine, beer or cider. So I'm going to have to get all the excuses prepared for not hanging around or not going. But that's better for me.

Cutting out this social scene completely is probably the best thing you can do. Realistically sitting all evening in a bar while everyone else is drinking just doesn't end well.

It sounds like you have a wife and baby at home, that is your best and only excuse. Anyone who thinks it's wise to spend 4-5 hours drinking instead of being home with your wife and child probably isn't someone you need in your life right now. Learn to stick to your "no's" as well, peer pressure will mean people try push you to go "just for a bit" or "just one drink". Stick with your no's and don't let anyone push you into going into a situation that isn't in your best interests. Go home and spend that time rebuilding your relationship.

Yeah you are right. My wife does go out too we usually take it in turns. Only thing is she 99% of the time knows when to call it a night. Me on the otherhand no. We live in a country where bars are open until 7am. 

For example she's still happy to go out this weekend and has made her plans. Funny world we live in. Telling me I need to cut the binge drinking out (which I agree with) yet opening making plans for her to do the same although to a lesser extent.

Anyway what you say about the young child is right. If I focus on them regardless of other things I will be on the right path.

seven-day-weekend

Retireby40 said:

Thanks for all the replies. At the moment I'm going to give up drinking. Let's see how that goes. I don't expect it to be particularly difficult as I never really drink about the house or have urges to drink.

My main issue isn't needing the first drink. In fact a rarely think about alcohol. Its when I've had the 5th drink that is the problem. It more or less tips the limit of....OK thats enough to, let's have a 6th,7th,8th,9th,10th etc.

My social scene will change as a lot of my time, especially in summer, is involved around bars as where I live it is very cultural to meet other families and friends in bars especially in terraces, where kids are welcome. The whole oh no I will just have a coke or a water. That's fair enough for an hour or two to catch up with people however the last thing I want to do is spending 4 or 5 hours there drinking water while others are joyfully drinking wine, beer or cider. So I'm going to have to get all the excuses prepared for not hanging around or not going. But that's better for me.

Depression, stress, a lack of empathy etc they are the really pressing issues and probably why when I binge drink I binge drink to excess. To numb or forget. To release all the build up I face. However that is not the answer and never will be. Running 10km can probably do the same thing but is healthy and doesn't cause me or my relationship problems. Drinking does.

I think I need a whole shift in mentality and maybe speaking to someone will help that. I really haven't a clue where to go from here or what to expect. Or if I can actually change things like lack of empathy.

I just can't feel something I can't feel. My other half hears a story about someone she doesn't know or hasn't met and she is like oh know that's terrible. Whereas me....I'm like that's unfortunate and nothing more. 

If someone I don't know dies I don't feel anything. Whereas I'm being told I should. If something good happens me and I am not smiling from ear to ear I'm being told I have no emotions. And that it isn't good. I am being told that I have to be emotional. I have to feel what others feel or else I am of no value.

It's hard being told you are boring because you don't find stupid tiktok videos (for anyone of an age its social media video things) funny. 

It's difficult being a new parent when you have 0 support yet your other half has her whole family, friends, etc around at their doorstep. But when you actually say....I'm getting things tough they say....and what about me. 

This will come across as bad attitude or selfish I know. But thats how I feel at the moment. Worn out thinking. Worn out trying to become "normal". 

There is nothing wrong with your actions (or non-reactions).

I didn't cry when my mother died.  She was 94, had a good life, only had a very short illness at the end, stayed in her own house until the end.... yes I was sad, but I could see it was her time.

I know at least one person thought I was heartless but hey ho, that is their problem, they don't know the memories inside that I cherish.  I'm not going to put on fake tears just to suit other people.

Do I care about other people?  Of course I do.  I do a lot to help others.  I just do not burst into tears at every available opportunity.

I think your lack of support and being told that you are boring is not helping your problem..  I agree with others that joining AA and/or going for a good long run could really help you.  And stay out of bars for a while.

Langerhan

Well done for making this choice, which is going to help keep you healthier both physically and mentally.

Have you been able to make friends or any sort of social circle in the country you've moved to? I know it's hard to do in a second language, but it sounds like you've been having to rely on your wife and her friends for interactions. Is there an expat community where you are that you could join?

Alternatively, if you're just not a very sociable person, look to a hobby which could help reduce drinking. You mentioned running in your first post; a lot of people find it very helpful for wiping away stress.

Best of luck changing your habits for the better.