If I don't stop today, I will lose everything.

Retireby40

Hello everyone,

I've posted on this site before about my issues with alcohol. I'm a huge binge drinker and it is causing me and my family problems. 

I've always been a binge drinker since I was 18. I'm now mid 30s. No drink for a month or two and then a Saturday night out and falling all over the place.

I have experienced abit of depression lately and my drinking has become more frequent. I can't deal with it any more. My wife hates it and me. I can see her literally resenting me even when I am not drinking. 

I guess I'm writing this to create a blog/post about quitting drink. I don't want to lose my family. I don't have anything else.

Today 6th of August 2023 has to be the start of better times without alcohol.

tooldle

Didn’t want to read and run. Have you considered joining AA? Hugely supportive to a friend with a very similar problem, recently. I wish you luck and strength x

Retireby40

tooldle said:

Didn’t want to read and run. Have you considered joining AA? Hugely supportive to a friend with a very similar problem, recently. I wish you luck and strength x

Thanks you. Just an interaction is nice. I really need someone to talk to and just get a few things off my chest. 

I haven't considered it. It's complicated because of where I live (not in UK). But I need something in place. My problem has never been not drinking. It's the when I start I drink to I fall and that is a big red flag of a drinking problem. I can't do that to my family. I have to be mature. If I lose them I will have nobody as my parents are both dead and I'm an only child.

tooldle

My friends problem meant he lost his marriage and his eldest child. The younger kids have been more understanding. 

Don’t leave it too late. Do you have a GP or similar who could connect you with support. Enlisting professional support will help equip you with the tools to stop, and will show your wife that you are trying. Perhaps she will support you when she sees that you are serious in your intent to stop drinking.
Taking a punt that you are in the EU
https://alcoholics-anonymous.eu/new-to-aa/how-to-get-help-with-your-drinking-problem/ 

pjcox2005

Retireby40 said:

tooldle said:

Didn’t want to read and run. Have you considered joining AA? Hugely supportive to a friend with a very similar problem, recently. I wish you luck and strength x

Thanks you. Just an interaction is nice. I really need someone to talk to and just get a few things off my chest. 

I haven't considered it. It's complicated because of where I live (not in UK). But I need something in place. My problem has never been not drinking. It's the when I start I drink to I fall and that is a big red flag of a drinking problem. I can't do that to my family. I have to be mature. If I lose them I will have nobody as my parents are both dead and I'm an only child.

I have no experience in this, and appreciate it's really hard, but I would probably try to tell at least a few in your friend set that you are trying to reduce how much you consume (or even stop) and why? I expect most will be supportive and will just take away people pushing for one more drink etc.

I always assume the fear of people's reactions are much worse than the actual reaction, and lead to people missing out on so much support but I know that's incredibly hard.

The other two ideas (excluding AA mentioned above) is to find a hobby to consume you for now and the other is to work out how much you're spending on alcohol and put that in another account each week for the saving made for not drinking. That money could lead to things you value much more than a quick drink.

All the best and I hope you deal with it and keep updating here for moral support.

TBagpuss

I am sorry you find yourslef in this situationand hope that you are abe to recover from your addiction.

I would recommend that, if you possibly can, you talk to your doctor both about your drinking and bout your dpression so that they can try to treat both.

Ask them about referrals to organisations or services which can help you with your drinking. I know that AA can be helpful for some people, however others find it is overly rigid and have issues with thereligious overtones, so do look into other services as well to try to find the service whch works best for you.

In the UK, there are normally local services where you can be asigned a caseworker and they will liaiseas appropriate with your GP, mybe ask what is available where you are. 

IF you have the finds available then there may also be provate options including more intensive inpatient treatment,- organisations such as the Priory where (as I understand it) they would try to look at the underlying causes and mental health issues to aim to address those too. 

If you haven't alreayd, talk to your wife, as well.

Obviously you have to do the hardest parts yourself but if she is able to see what you are trying to do, it may help improve your relatisonip. You can also think about whether there are things which, if she is able / willing to do, wouild help in your recovery.

(For instnacce, if having alcohol vailable is an issue, you could discuss with her whether she is willing to agree to there being none in the house. (or to it being locked up and to her not drnking in your presence) 

Good luck

pearl123

Once you  realise it is an addiction, which can be broken - you're part way there. I hope that doesn't sound patronising. There is a better life waiting for you. 
You can beat this....if you want to.
You are the master of yourself. Drink is not the master of you. Good luck. 

seven-day-weekend

I hope you manage to beat this.

I used to binge drink (not to the falling over stage, but far too much) and then I was diagnosed with a heart complaint (not connected).  I was told that moderate drinking is OK, but binge drinking is very, very bad for your heart.  The Cardiologist's words were 'Two small glasses of wine a day is OK, but don't save it all up and have it on a Saturday'.

Now I never go over the two small glasses and most days I don't drink at all.

If you find you can't control the times when you do drink, it may be better not to drink at all.  I wish you well.

Retireby40

Thanks for all the replies. At the moment I'm going to give up drinking. Let's see how that goes. I don't expect it to be particularly difficult as I never really drink about the house or have urges to drink.

My main issue isn't needing the first drink. In fact a rarely think about alcohol. Its when I've had the 5th drink that is the problem. It more or less tips the limit of....OK thats enough to, let's have a 6th,7th,8th,9th,10th etc.

My social scene will change as a lot of my time, especially in summer, is involved around bars as where I live it is very cultural to meet other families and friends in bars especially in terraces, where kids are welcome. The whole oh no I will just have a coke or a water. That's fair enough for an hour or two to catch up with people however the last thing I want to do is spending 4 or 5 hours there drinking water while others are joyfully drinking wine, beer or cider. So I'm going to have to get all the excuses prepared for not hanging around or not going. But that's better for me.

Depression, stress, a lack of empathy etc they are the really pressing issues and probably why when I binge drink I binge drink to excess. To numb or forget. To release all the build up I face. However that is not the answer and never will be. Running 10km can probably do the same thing but is healthy and doesn't cause me or my relationship problems. Drinking does.

I think I need a whole shift in mentality and maybe speaking to someone will help that. I really haven't a clue where to go from here or what to expect. Or if I can actually change things like lack of empathy.

I just can't feel something I can't feel. My other half hears a story about someone she doesn't know or hasn't met and she is like oh know that's terrible. Whereas me....I'm like that's unfortunate and nothing more. 

If someone I don't know dies I don't feel anything. Whereas I'm being told I should. If something good happens me and I am not smiling from ear to ear I'm being told I have no emotions. And that it isn't good. I am being told that I have to be emotional. I have to feel what others feel or else I am of no value.

It's hard being told you are boring because you don't find stupid tiktok videos (for anyone of an age its social media video things) funny. 

It's difficult being a new parent when you have 0 support yet your other half has her whole family, friends, etc around at their doorstep. But when you actually say....I'm getting things tough they say....and what about me. 

This will come across as bad attitude or selfish I know. But thats how I feel at the moment. Worn out thinking. Worn out trying to become "normal". 

RAS

I'm going to challenge that "lack of empathy."

Your partner has her whole family around her and it sounds like she's a bit em-meshed?

And contrary to what your are being told, understanding boundaries is really valuable.

If something bad happens to someone else we know, it is appropriate to press solidarity and empathise. If something bad happens to someone we don't know, in a situation that we might also face, we recognise "there but of the grace...." it is something that could also happen to us, and we feel it. 

My personal take is that influencers, soaps and reality shows encourage many people to create faux relationships with those they actually have no relationship with, and encourages people to blur at the very least, and possibly dismantle necessary boundaries. I'm quite capable of getting dewy-eyed about the plight of other people I don't know, but there's often so little I can sensibly do about those situations and expending emotional energy isn't a good thing for me or the other person.

I'm not religious but one of the things groups like AA encourage is for people to understand their boundaries, because lack of is often an issue for those with addiction issues.

You may know the serenity prayer? 

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 
Courage to change the things I can, 
and Wisdom to know the difference.

Minus the evocation at the beginning, it's not a bad idea.

AntoMac

Talk Club - wetalkclub.com , could be another good place to start a conversation and be heard.
Good luck - You’ve taken a huge step by wanting to address your problem.
Of course get in touch with your GP asap too. There is a lot of help available.
I agree that we can’t feel what we can’t feel.We are all different. I think starting a conversation will definitely help. 

Nice to see kind and helpful replies on this thread. Lots of good people on this forum.