Ex partner lives in our mortgaged home

Section62

TBagpuss said:

Section62 said:

Speak to a solicitor before doing anything else*, including making an application to the CMS.

You need to know your options and do any preparatory work before he becomes aware of your intentions.  Being contacted out of the blue by CMS will alert him to the possibility you are taking other action, which may give him time to do things which are financially detrimental to you.

For the same reason, the '*' above is that the one thing you should do without delay (if you haven't already) is to set up a Land Registry alert for the property.  That way if he tries to sell or remortgage you should find out about it before too much damage is done.

Find a good solicitor who specialises in family law, ideally one whose bio refers to "TOLATA".  To some extent their specialisms are more important than using one who advertises that they give free advice.

I disagree. CMS can't be backdated so the sooner you apply the better.

I think you may have missed the point.

The amount of money involved in a CMS claim is typically small - yes, every bit helps - but delaying making the claim for a short period of time while getting initial legal advice risks only the loss of what might be paid in that time period (possibly a few hundred £)

Getting the strategy wrong - for example by prematurely alerting the ex to what the OP plans to do - risks making the legal situation more complicated (which could add thousands of pounds in legal costs), or the ex doing something more dramatic, which could have cost implications in the order of tens of thousands.

From the OP's description of the ex, there is a risk of them perceiving a CMS claim as a hostile act, some might say a declaration of war.  The OP needs legal advice on their situation and the best way forward, before taking an action which may escalate the situation and make a negotiated solution less likely.  For the sake of (probably) a few hundred pounds of CMS money it isn't worth taking that risk without getting professional advice first.

RAS

I'd also suggest that based on the OP's more recent comments, she really does need to talk to Woman's Aid and get the historic situation regarding coercive control registered with the police.

No need for current action but they need an alert on their system that triggers a quick response. Threatening suicide should trigger concern.

Pookiecomps

Section62 said:

TBagpuss said:

Section62 said:

Speak to a solicitor before doing anything else*, including making an application to the CMS.

You need to know your options and do any preparatory work before he becomes aware of your intentions.  Being contacted out of the blue by CMS will alert him to the possibility you are taking other action, which may give him time to do things which are financially detrimental to you.

For the same reason, the '*' above is that the one thing you should do without delay (if you haven't already) is to set up a Land Registry alert for the property.  That way if he tries to sell or remortgage you should find out about it before too much damage is done.

Find a good solicitor who specialises in family law, ideally one whose bio refers to "TOLATA".  To some extent their specialisms are more important than using one who advertises that they give free advice.

I disagree. CMS can't be backdated so the sooner you apply the better.

I think you may have missed the point.

The amount of money involved in a CMS claim is typically small - yes, every bit helps - but delaying making the claim for a short period of time while getting initial legal advice risks only the loss of what might be paid in that time period (possibly a few hundred £)

Getting the strategy wrong - for example by prematurely alerting the ex to what the OP plans to do - risks making the legal situation more complicated (which could add thousands of pounds in legal costs), or the ex doing something more dramatic, which could have cost implications in the order of tens of thousands.

From the OP's description of the ex, there is a risk of them perceiving a CMS claim as a hostile act, some might say a declaration of war.  The OP needs legal advice on their situation and the best way forward, before taking an action which may escalate the situation and make a negotiated solution less likely.  For the sake of (probably) a few hundred pounds of CMS money it isn't worth taking that risk without getting professional advice first.

You are right, I have shyed away from making a CMS claim as it makes my life easier to not deal with the hassle from him. My original post didn't make that clear though, apologies.

In response to an earlier suggestion, I have now set up a property alert - thank you for the prompt. And I will contact the suggested charities.

I am going to bow out gracefully now, before I end up divulging into any further personal matter! The replies have been really informative and I now know what I need to do - seek legal advice. I also know that it isn't going to be an easy process due to the complexities around it.
Many thanks to you all for pointing me in the right direction 🙂

RAS

Wishing you all the best. Stay safe.

Section62

Pookiecomps said:

You are right, I have shyed away from making a CMS claim as it makes my life easier to not deal with the hassle from him. My original post didn't make that clear though, apologies.

No need for apologies.  Just for clarity, I'm not saying you shouldn't make a CMS claim full stop, just that you shouldn't do it without first getting legal advice from someone who can see the totality of your situation and how such a claim would fit in an overall strategy.

One other thing - as hard as it might be, try to deal with the whole thing as if it were a business transaction, not something you are emotionally invested in.  Very often the more that emotions get involved in a legal situation, the harder it becomes to reach an easy solution.  If you can, try to have an emotional support network which is tangential to the legal stuff.

And good luck.

aoleks

the advice you got here is really good, take it.

what I will add, having been involved in something similar, is the following:

it is NOT, in any situation imaginable or unimaginable, acceptable for someone to threaten to take their live. I need you to understand that you and the children bear no responsibility for the action of a man. sick or not, vulnerable or not, angry or not. one must NOT even attempt to put the burden of living with guilt on someone else, that's just not acceptable.

while it sounds very harsh, if he decides to take his life, then that's entirely on him and you have absolutely no blame to play. stay strong and don't let emotional blackmail interfere with the system that is the law, they're not connected. I would also say, though this is a generalisation, that the majority of those that threaten to commit suicide won't do it, they're just seeking attention or trying to abuse the other party.

Ksw3

I know it's hard to see it as a service that can help when the labels can feel so big compared to your own situation but women's Aid would be a good call. I believe they can also refer to lawyers specialised in certain areas and WA can also provide emotional support whilst navigating the fallout of putting some boundaries in place and getting your own needs met.

If things escalate and you have serious cause to believe that he may take his own life, you can call the police and ask that they carry out a welfare check. If it's a genuine need they will get him help, if it's not then it will be recorded. 

Having some experience of these matters, I wish you well and I will be cheering you on from a far.