What do I do now?

another_casualty

You've done a hell of a lot in a short time, and should be proud .
I think asking the question here about your next step in life , is good .
It shows that you are prepared to adjust things / listen to others for ideas while you are stuck on a plateau so to speak .

The good thing is that yourself and your wife to an extent still have options of how to put the spring back into your step and live a bit of a less restrictive life and let your hair down a little .( if you still have some  

Imho , if you hate your job - walk! Can you do temp/ contract work? 

If the next permanent work is paying less ( but not too low) it's better to enjoy that scenario than what you have at present .

Taking care of yourself with better outfits ( you don't have to go the whole Ralph Lauren ) would impress the wife and others you may be in contact with/ see regularly.

Have you hobbies ? 

Do yourself and your wife see yourselves staying in the same area , or could you move to get that better house in an area that's more desirable to you? 

Living like steptoe with the old furniture , clothes and miser tendencies isn't reallly living .
sorry if I sound too harsh here  

you can still be responsible but live a little like others above have said .

You've achieved A lot so far , and if you loosen up on the things that are an obstacle such as over worrying about money , then you've got a lot of positivity to look forward to.

Best of luck 

RAS

OK. I'm going to try and reply within MSE guidelines, but if I transgress board guides are free to edit my response.

Therapy isn't just for people who are depressed. In fact, in the period I was depressed (I suspected my partner was having an affair but he and she behaved as if everything was OK) I was resistant to support and guidance about almost all aspects of my life.   

After a later unexpected response to a different situation, I sought help. I used a number of therapies over the following years which enabled me to leave behind many of the triggers that undermined my happiness.

For example, I was over-weight.

As a child I lived in a very poor family and my siblings used to pester for more food when they were hungry. Our parent gave them food even though the parent was unwell and could not afford (physically) to make that sacrifice. I decided to eat as much as possible at school dinners, particularly on Fridays, so my siblings could be satisfied by taking food from my plate. That meant burying the messages that I was full several times a week so I could accumulate enough calories from school meals over the week to make up for the "sacrifice" at home. 

Understanding where my ability to eat more calories than needed helped me to listen to my body and regulate my food intake in later life.

Most of the effective therapies I encountered seem to have a similar underpinning. If you are looking for a budget option, and given you have a spouse, you might want to look at Gendlin's or Weiser Cornell's books on focusing. And you might also find the Donkey Sanctuary's videos on equine behavioural issue interesting. I've no association with either.

housebuyer143

redundantmortgage said:

Thanks for the replies.

We is me and my wife. Around 80% of the mortgage was paid by me though because my wife gets paid much less.

I have a workplace pension since it became compulsory.

Haven't considered therapy as have never been depressed or anything, just worried about money. 

Basically I want to enjoy my mortgage freedom without losing sight of the fact I'll need to take out another mortgage at some point. At the same time I question whether it really is mortgage freedom because technically I haven't started my mortgage yet.

Therapy isn't just for people who are depressed. It might help to speak to someone about where your anxiety about money comes from. Even if it's just your wife. Working that out and putting things in place to combat that will help you. 

Do a detailed budget calculator so you can visually see how much free cash you have and how much you will have at the end of the year after all bills, it might start to make it more obvious how little you need to worry and how you can afford to have luxuries. You can do different scenarios regarding different income amounts, if you lost everything and were on benefits. 
It really helps me when I am feeling anxious about money again and seems to recenter my anxious mind to see it in black and white.

pinkshoes

redundantmortgage said:

I'm 40 and have just paid the mortgage off. As a result once the bills are paid each month I have over £100 a day to spend on myself.

Sorry to be blunt, but you seem to be missing the point of life - LIVING!

A friend of mine from university, aged 41, has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and about to have a double mastectomy.

Another friend passed away in her sleep aged 44 from an unknown health condition.

Another friend passed away aged 22 of cancer whilst we were at uni.

You have a spare £100 a DAY - go and LIVE! You never know when your last day will be. 

By all means have some savings in your bank for emergencies and house repairs etc... but go see the world, go on safari, climb mountains, sky dive etc... Don't look back on your life and think about the things you wish you had done.

I'm not frivolous with money, but some things in life are worth spending money on.

Tiglet2

@pinkshoes my thoughts entirely, having been through similar

eidand

pinkshoes said:

redundantmortgage said:

I'm 40 and have just paid the mortgage off. As a result once the bills are paid each month I have over £100 a day to spend on myself.

Sorry to be blunt, but you seem to be missing the point of life - LIVING!

A friend of mine from university, aged 41, has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and about to have a double mastectomy.

Another friend passed away in her sleep aged 44 from an unknown health condition.

Another friend passed away aged 22 of cancer whilst we were at uni.

You have a spare £100 a DAY - go and LIVE! You never know when your last day will be. 

By all means have some savings in your bank for emergencies and house repairs etc... but go see the world, go on safari, climb mountains, sky dive etc... Don't look back on your life and think about the things you wish you had done.

I'm not frivolous with money, but some things in life are worth spending money on.

Well, maybe some people have a different view compared to you. Maybe the point of life for the OP is different. I am totally on his side on this one. 

Woolsery

eidand said:

pinkshoes said:

redundantmortgage said:

I'm 40 and have just paid the mortgage off. As a result once the bills are paid each month I have over £100 a day to spend on myself.

Sorry to be blunt, but you seem to be missing the point of life - LIVING!

A friend of mine from university, aged 41, has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and about to have a double mastectomy.

Another friend passed away in her sleep aged 44 from an unknown health condition.

Another friend passed away aged 22 of cancer whilst we were at uni.

You have a spare £100 a DAY - go and LIVE! You never know when your last day will be. 

By all means have some savings in your bank for emergencies and house repairs etc... but go see the world, go on safari, climb mountains, sky dive etc... Don't look back on your life and think about the things you wish you had done.

I'm not frivolous with money, but some things in life are worth spending money on.

Well, maybe some people have a different view compared to you. Maybe the point of life for the OP is different. I am totally on his side on this one. 

So am I. I think frugality is probably picked up through childhood and might be reinforced by early adult experiences too. Some people get a buzz from it and others just don't see the need for change or "experiences." 

I've a farmer friend who's always lived in this area, works long hours 7 days a week and seems extremely happy and appreciative of his life. His children bought him and his wife an all-in 7 day holiday for their wedding anniversary a few years ago and they ran the farm while they were away. When my friend returned, I asked him how he enjoyed his week's holiday. His reply? "Well, hotel was very nice and the scenery was good, but after 3 or 4 days me an Joan were itching to get home again!"

Woolsery

another_casualty said:

Living like steptoe with the old furniture , clothes and miser tendencies isn't reallly living .

sorry if I sound too harsh here  
Best of luck

I agree with most of what you say, but antiques would never exist if some people didn't keep at least some of their furniture! Also, a lot of young people would love my 1960s Levis. They think they'rte buying the real thing, but us oldies know better!

[Deleted User]

Woolsery said:

eidand said:

pinkshoes said:

redundantmortgage said:

I'm 40 and have just paid the mortgage off. As a result once the bills are paid each month I have over £100 a day to spend on myself.

Sorry to be blunt, but you seem to be missing the point of life - LIVING!

A friend of mine from university, aged 41, has just been diagnosed with breast cancer and about to have a double mastectomy.

Another friend passed away in her sleep aged 44 from an unknown health condition.

Another friend passed away aged 22 of cancer whilst we were at uni.

You have a spare £100 a DAY - go and LIVE! You never know when your last day will be. 

By all means have some savings in your bank for emergencies and house repairs etc... but go see the world, go on safari, climb mountains, sky dive etc... Don't look back on your life and think about the things you wish you had done.

I'm not frivolous with money, but some things in life are worth spending money on.

Well, maybe some people have a different view compared to you. Maybe the point of life for the OP is different. I am totally on his side on this one. 

So am I. I think frugality is probably picked up through childhood and might be reinforced by early adult experiences too. Some people get a buzz from it and others just don't see the need for change or "experiences." 

I've a farmer friend who's always lived in this area, works long hours 7 days a week and seems extremely happy and appreciative of his life. His children bought him and his wife an all-in 7 day holiday for their wedding anniversary a few years ago and they ran the farm while they were away. When my friend returned, I asked him how he enjoyed his week's holiday. His reply? "Well, hotel was very nice and the scenery was good, but after 3 or 4 days me an Joan were itching to get home again!"

This is very true and completely understand that if someone is happy doing that. Some people are really happy living very simply and that's wonderful. I think the issue here is that OP doesn't sound like he is happy with the situation. He seems to feel uncomfortable and at a crossroads. I think he is being encouraged to look at it from a different perspective or to consider therapy to try and work out the right path for him and look at his relationship with money because it seems to be coming from a negative place rather than a positive one.

maurice28

Don't take this as an insult, but hearing your story made me think of that American TV show Extreme Cheapskates. On it, they show people living to extremes of money saving (think dumpster diving for food, reusing tea bags multiple times, all sorts of things) in order to save. Some of them were millionaires from their endeavours, they had saved so much.

But not a single one of them seemed to have an ultimate aim. They weren't saving for anything - a big house, a Ferrari, a round the world cruise, early retirement. They were all saving for saving's sake and as a result, they were almost trapped in this existence.

Being mortgage free at 40 is great, and even though you'll soon need to move house, you're in a great position to buy because everything you get from selling your current house is all yours to use as a deposit. 

Is there anything at all you aspire to having or doing? A place you really want to visit, a car you want to own, a hobby you want to pursue? And just as importantly, what about your wife? What would she do if money was no object?

If I were you, I would make a list of what you want to spend your hard earned money on and work towards those things. It may take a change of mindset but you've earnt the chance to do this, you shouldn't feel guilty. With you posting this, I assume you must deep down want to loosen the purse strings a little? Enjoy the chance and freedom for you and wife to do some fun things!