The Mental Debt Struggle...

Keedie

Been really knackered and in pain lately, so not been on top of things, including my diary.

Curious cats reinstated my account after I complained, but I still can't cash out until 18 December which is annoying as no one can explain that properly, but I was apparently banned for poor quality answers (which was insulting because it's not in my nature to do things half heartedly) and for skimming through surveys (but I read incredibly fast). Anyways, I did two surveys last night to keep it active and will do one or two a week until I reach cash out stage, as I don't want to get banned again before I get my payment. It sounds like that company really took liberties with you @JustAboutThere! Glad you got your payout, as I can only imagine how long it took you to get to £50 in the first place. They're really sneaky aren't they?

My first therapy session was really good, thank you for asking @AntoMac. My sessions are with a student psychologist who is aiming to become a clinical psychologist. She's really nice. And she had me write down all my worries and was a bit alarmed that I categorised everything under different headings and I filled the whole A4 sheet of paper! We were able to look at common themes of my sources of stress and what was in my remit to be able to change. She made me cross out the things that I have no control over or limited influence and to see a lot of them scratched out was very cathartic. I felt lighter. Still don't relate to the mindfulness exercise we did at the end though. My ming was not focussing on leaves floating down a stream as I was too distracted by all my thoughts.

But it was very helpful and we have session 2/6 next Thursday then we break for Christmas as neither of us are free on Thursday 15 December. It was nice to have a safe space that I could talk about my problems and how everything has affected me in the last few years, and particularly in the last 6 months. It's been very hard going, but I'm hoping that having dedicated time to work through things will make all the difference. I have to fill in an activity diary for the next week and then we'll review it at my next session. We're going to focus on breaking down all of the different problems that I have, and think of how to tackle them so that they are not so overwhelming.

My son finished his mock exams for the online school yesterday and so I honoured my promise and took him out to his favourite burger place called Honest Burgers, and he was happily munching away and really proud of himself. It cost me £37.40 for the two of us, but it was worth every penny to see him relaxed and proud of his achievements. I've no clue what the results are going to be, as I glanced at some of his exam papers when I was submitting them and they weren't as detailed as they could be and some answers didn't make a lot of sense. But the fact that a month ago he wanted to drop out completely because he was so overwhelmed and behind and he was able to sit all 3 exams whilst physically going to college during the mock exam study period, is fantastic!

It's really been helping him to spend time at my mum's and he let his guard down enough for her to help him with his History GCSE revision. She's so supportive bless her, she read through the student syllabus book and was able to distill all the facts and taught him the basics of what he needed to know in 2 days. And she was a primary school teacher, so GCSEs are out of her wheelhouse. He's become so engaged and enthusiastic now as he has hope for his abilities and for the future. He was grinning when I got to my mum's yesterday to meet him after his mock exam had finished (he chose to sit it there instead of at home). I've also found lots of youtube videos to help him and some good documentaries and films on Netflix. Next week we're going to a special talk at the Imperial War Museum all about WWI - and he's excited!

We had a good talk the other day and he said that he was glad that he didn't go to the pupil referral unit, and that he has these opportunities and that he now feels like he'll get his GCSEs and be able to go to college in September. I was crying tears of happiness inside as I thought, "he finally gets it!". I'm no longer stressed about the exam fees or the school fees, or all of the money and time I've spent trying to give him the best out of a bad situation. I feel like it's all going to be okay. He told me that things have been very hard, but he's happy in a way that it all happened as he feels like it all needed to play out this way so that he could learn and that the experience has changed him, but it's put him in a better position to know how to read people and what he wants in life. Not a bad reflection and analysis for a 16 year old, so I'm very proud of him.

Keedie

November 2022 Spending Summary

Starting Balance = £16,826.11 | Amount Repaid = £700.64 (3.16%) | Closing Balance = £16,125.47
Total Repaid to Date = £6,057.07 (27.31%)

Bank of Mum 2 (family holiday)
Starting Balance = £300 | Amount Repaid = £150 (50% repaid) | Closing Balance = £0 | Total Repaid to Date = £300 (100% repaid)
Another debt cleared - yippee! 🎉🎉🎉 I was so grateful to get this debt cleared as it means that everything that I owe my mum is now for something worthwhile (my son's school fees), and not because I just hadn't budgeted for something but wanted to do it anyway (like family holidays). I'm looking forward to our Butlins trip and the kids are starting to get excited as well. We've got a premium dining plan, so only have to worry about lunch and snacks (and buying wine of course), so getting spending money together is fine and we'll get extra food slowly with our normal weekly shop.

Bank of Mum 3 (school fees)
Starting Balance = £3,350 | Amount Repaid = £50 (1.49% repaid) | Closing Balance = £3,300 | Total Repaid to Date= £1,500 (31.25% repaid)
Back to my normal £50 a month payments after the massive boost in October 2022 from the refund of school fees. I've truly made peace with this debt and I have let go of a lot of the guilt and shame associated with needing the help. I don't feel guilty that I accepted my mum's help, as I would do the same for my son and I realised that she was offended that I was so upset that I had to lean on her for help. And the shame I felt about having a son permanently excluded and what that said about my inadequacies as a parent is slowly dissolving too. I can't change the past, I can only help him with his future and as this debt is slowly repaid, I'll be inching closer to having closure when it's all gone. Although I have a payrise coming up, I will be sticking to £50 a month for the repayments in 2023 whilst I snowball the other debts, and then increase to £100 in 2024. This will take this debt down to £2,700 by December 2023.

Barclaycard
Starting Balance = £8,879.58 | Amount Repaid = £275 (3.10% repaid) | Closing Balance = £8,604.58 | Total Repaid to Date = £983.22 (10.25% repaid)
This is my largest debt, but for some reason it bothers me the least (as a credit card) as the 0% interest ends on 1 February 2024 (£4,547.38) and 1 April 2024 (£4,057.20). As MBNA is the primary focus as a snowball debt, once that has gone, I will add the increased direct debit (see below) of £202.33 onto the fixed £275 direct debit for Barclaycard, which will be £477.33 a month. By November 2023, when Creation has cleared, this will increase to £550 a month. I won't have cleared the Barclaycard before the 0% interest plans end, and I'll be at the mercy of whatever balance or money transfer deals are knocking about this time next year, but that's okay. As long as I end 2023 with only Barclaycard and the school fees, I will be very happy.

Creation
Starting Balance = £844.66  | Amount Repaid = £72.67 (8.60% repaid) | Closing Balance = £771.99 | Total Repaid to Date = £290.68 (27.35% repaid)
I have no plans to snowball this debt as I will leave it at the normal direct debit of £72.67, and once the final payment is made, I will snowball the value of this direct debit onto Barclaycard. We're still enjoying our mattresses, so no regrets with this debt at all.

MBNA
Starting Balance = £2,694.45 | Amount Repaid = £154.97 (5.75% repaid) | Closing Balance = £2,539.48 | Total Repaid to Date = £460.52 (15.35% repaid)
This debt is my sole focus until it is gone, as it ends the earliest as a 0% interest free credit plan and by getting rid of this balance, I have more wriggle room for balance/money transfers to help manage the Barclaycard balance later next year. I beat my £50 PAD Pot target in November 2022, as I managed to accumulate £50.64 (101.28% saved) and this with my £102.33 direct debit allowed me to pay the £154.97 this month. As my wages are increasing in December 2022, this allows me to increase January 2023's budget onward and instead of paying £500 a month on debts, it will increase to £600 a month. So for the remainder of 2022, I will stick to the £102.33 direct debit as this is the remainder after the school fees, Barclaycard and Creation standing order and direct debits are taken into account. But from January 2023, this will increase to £202.33. I will continue to throw whatever I accumulate in my PAD Pot at MBNA until it's all gone (estimated June/July 2023). I will then snowball the MBNA direct debit onto the Barclaycard direct debit, along with the monthly PAD Pot. I spoke to my brother as he owes me £522, and he said that he has a plan for paying everything back by the deadline I gave him of  May 2023, so with his payment aside, I have a balance of £2,017.48. The money my sister owes (£258.75) will be taken into account also, and this leaves £1,758.73 to be cleared by 15 August 2023. With the standard £102.33 in December 2022, that leaves £1,656.40 over 7 months, from January 2023 to July 2023, that's £236.63 a month, and so with the increased direct debit of £202.33 means that I have to find £34.30 a month through my PAD Pot and surveys to meet my target. If I can meet my monthly PAD Pot target of £50 or more, plus any money from my Make £10 a Day target, then this can be gone in June 2023 (which is my target goal but a conservative one).

Sky Mobile
Starting Balance = £907.42 | Amount Repaid = £0 (0% repaid) | Closing Balance = £907.42 | Total Repaid to Date = £98.61 (9.80% repaid)
This debt forms part of my monthly direct debit for my phone bill and as I have changed the billing date and cycle, the direct debit for November 2022 didn't come out and the one for December will be pro-rata calculated at a little higher. I could have paid the £32.87 directly to Sky Mobile to keep the balance going down, but I just couldn't be bothered. I brought Christmas presents with the money instead and that seemed like a better use of the money. Not paying anything towards the phones in November 2022 also meant that less needed to be paid into the Bills Pot to cover December 2022's bills so that was nice.

Debt Reflection

🎉 I am incredibly proud of myself, as my debt on 1 August 2022 was £22,182.54 and it is now £16,125.47! 🎉  I'm on the verge of approaching the £15,000s 💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽! I'll end 2022 in the mid-£15,000s and I'm so excited by this. 

I'm starting to feel like I have a little bit more control over my finances and my life. I have brought a cash envelope binder that I have been using to put my weekly budgets into for my food shopping and spending money and it seems to be helping. My mum asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I've found a weekly planner on Amazon that will allow me to catalogue my goals and achievements and it has a great budget section, so I'm happy that I'll have something that will allow me to record my progress for 2023.

I aim to make £3,650 in 2023 as part of the Make £10 A Day challenge, and I have set up a Chase savings account, so that money will be split into 3. I've played around with the ratios and thought about what I want life to be like at the end of 2023 as I aim to leave my job and do things a bit differently. I've settled on the final ratios based upon what I want my finances and lifestyle to be if I meet my final target:

*60% to a yearly PAD Pot (£2,190)
*30% to the emergency fund (£1,095)
*10% as extra spending (£365)

Whatever I manage to accumulate will distributed at the end of 2023 in the above ratios. As it stands, the focus will be on clearing my debts to reduce my monthly outgoings and get rid of as much of the debt as I can and build up my emergency savings. The aim is to put myself in a better position to be able to leave my job next year and sort out my career change and to move towards creative freelancing. 

AntoMac

There is so much to be proud of there Keedie - For yourself, your mum and your son. Don’t forget that everything you are achieving is happening despite being in near constant pain. It would be hard enough without the pain, let alone with it. Try not to lose sight of that.
I try to practice mindfulness myself. It takes time to get used to it. I really just see it as trying to concentrate on ‘now’ as in reality that is all we have. It’s very difficult not to drift off into the future and the many unknowns that the future holds though. So pleased that your first session went well. To be listened to by someone who understands and lets you be heard must be very therapeutic.
Talking of the First World War I recall a lovely old uncle who fought in it. My Mum persuaded him to write down his recollections of it and I’m so glad she did. Even now I find it hard to fathom that this sweet, kind, jolly and gentle old man fought in the so called ‘War to end all wars’. He was part of the North Somerset Yeomanry and used to march proudly at the annual Remembrance services until eventually he was the only one left. One of his recollections was having to follow exactly any orders given and not being able to make any of their own decisions. When they were given the order to charge they pretty soon fell off of their horses as they had not been given permission to tighten the saddles. During the horrific struggle the horses had lost significant weight, so the saddles just slid round as soon as they charged.  He is still fondly remembered by those of us lucky enough to have known him. 

It’s great that your son has taken an interest. 

Keedie

I am very proud of things changing @AntoMac, I feel like there is a lot of progress and things are moving in the right direction. Life is a daily struggle, but seeing things come together makes me feel so much better about the struggle. I've had no heating for the last 2 days as the boiler went funny, and my joints have seized up so it's quite painful today, but I'm still so happy that things seem much better.

I'll keep trying with the mindfulness, it's so hard to stay focussed, but my friend has been doing it for a long time, and said that mindfulness and healing crystals (still not sure what that even is), have really helped her. I'll keep going with the therapy as it helps, but I've almost resigned myself to the fact that the mindfulness bit at the end will be awkward for a while. It's made such a difference to being able to let go and speak to someone and to not have to always be strong.

Wow, I'm so glad that you were able to meet your uncle and hear his stories AntoMac, you're in a very fortunate position. It never occurred to me the impact of war on horses and coming to think of it, I don't know why. I can't imagine living under such strict rules and having no say in your actions. So many soldiers must have been so scared, and I can imagine, secretly resentful that they were not given consideration for things like falling off a horse because the saddle was loose. I take it your uncle lived a full long life if he was sadly the last one left marching in the Remembrance services? It's good that your mum was able to capture his story. We always said we'd do that for our dad and we'd write his life story, but we never made the time to do so, and I will always regret that.

beanielou

Be proud 

AntoMac

Yes my uncle lived to 96, and did a huge amount to help my dad and his brothers when their own father passed at an early age. I’ve always been fascinated by the lives of my older relatives, squeezing out every possible detail and story that I can. I am taking your diary off at a tangent AGAIN! 
It’s a shame you didn’t get round to documenting your own dad’s story. Real life can get in the way and then suddenly it’s too late unfortunately. You of course still have a lifetime of memories and stories you can share with your family.
Of course being bipolar and having a disability with resultant pain takes needs much more than counselling to deal with it, but it’s great that the counselling/therapy does help. Amazing how much just talking about something can really help.  I would encourage you to keep giving mindfulness a go. Crystals are not for me, but of course different things work for different people. 

LittleMissDetermined

@Keedie, you continue to astonish me with your determination and you definitely should be hugely proud of what you have achieved! You are doing so well. 

Sometimes it's worth trying lots of alternative pain relief systems until you find the right one for you. x
LMD x

Keedie

Thanks @beanielou 😁.

Your uncle sounded amazing @AntoMac, and you're not taking my diary off tangent so don't worry. I think the diary is there to be able to have a conversation with others, and without the back and forth and people's opinions and input, I'd be rather lonely on my debt free diary journey, so it's all okay 🤗. 

Yes it is a shame that we thought we had more time than we did with my dad, but there's definitely lots of memories that we'll forever cherish. 

The balance of bipolar, fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome is a very tricky one, and it's a daily struggle, but I'm hoping that with the psychotherapy for the bipolar and the physiotherapy and fibromyalgia group support things will get easier. I have my appointment with the INPUT programme at the Pain Management Clinic on Thursday 8 December, and hopefully I'll be assessed and given a place on the residential programme (3 weeks) where I'd be able to attend an all day programme with occupational therapists, nurses, physiotherapists and psychologists to help people deal with chronic pain and manage on a daily basis. Fingers crossed I'll get accepted.

Thank you for your kind words @LittleMissDetermined, that means a lot to me. I've considered acupuncture for the pain relief, but to be honest I'm not a fan of needles, so I don't know where that will go 😂. But hopefully the things that are on offer fall into place... 🤞🏾.

Sarahwithlove

caught up on your diary you have done so well and you should be so proud of how far your son has come. He's lucky to have you fighting his corner. 

Regarding the butlins trip, we did premium dining and used to take sandwhich bags with us for breakfast and put pastries/bread rolls in the bags and some fruit in our bags. Then at dinner would do same with chicken nuggets etc for snacks in the evening. limited how many snacks my nephew wanted then from the shops/bars etc. 

Keedie

Thanks @Sarahwithlove that's a great trick for Butlins and we will definitely be doing that! The kids are very excited about the water park and the evening party for NYE, although the teenagers pretend that they are not that fussed 🙄. 

I try my hardest with my son, I don't always get it right, but I am very proud of him and thank you.