The Mental Debt Struggle...

weenancyinAmerica

Keedie - My family is/was the same way. My mother looked about 20 years younger too. When they invited people for their 50th wedding anniversary people couldn't believe it, even when my sister two years younger than me and I showed up. We had been away from home for a number of years and my younger sister (15 years younger) had a lot of friends who thought my parents were in their same age group. She always looked younger. My parents' 60th anniversary picture is on my wall - and they both look about 60 years old. She hadn't married until she was 24. Dad was two years younger but always looked even younger also. My brother who had muscular dystrophy always looked very young  - and grew a beard when he was in college so he wouldn't be stopped for not being in junior high school (thought he was about 12 when he was 23!). I was stopped by the police in my college town several times for the same reason. When I was in college I went with a friend of mine to her work Christmas Party - and the people there thought I was her daughter (we were the same age). It is sometimes frustrating when you are young as people don't think you are old enough to handle the job.  

Cherryfudge

I'm sorry the financial error by the benefits people set you back. The funds will build again, though it's unsettling for you. I think your job for now is to take it easy on yourself till you've got to a stronger position. 

Keedie

I think looking the polar opposite of your age (either too young or too old) can make life difficult or give you weird experiences or reactions from people. I remember getting repeatedly ID'd when I was trying to go out raving or for drinks and I used to walk around with my passport until my mum put a stop to that in case I lost it.

When I was pregnant I was 24 and people thought I was a schoolgirl because my silly workplace had us wearing incredibly unattractive uniforms with the council logo on the blazer pocket. No one would give me a seat on the bus when I was on the way to work or at the end of the day. And I'd have them muttering about "the kids of today" and not feeling sympathy for me because I "did it to myself". I got tired of correcting people and just took the abuse as I had bigger fish to fry - I was a single parent experiencing a difficult pregnancy and the doctors doubted I'd be able to carry him to full term, that he might be stillborn or die within the first year if I tried to get him to a full term pregnancy. They were right. He wouldn't have survived if I wasn't being monitored and tried to get to full term. He was induced as an emergency at 36 weeks as my placenta basically aged too quickly and so it more or less started to lose functionality and his blood flow and oxygen had dropped dangerously low (I was getting weekly scans). He'd also lost weight, and they said the lack of oxygen was especially concerning.

But anyways, all of that to say, that even the midwives in the hospital were mean to me and weren't very helpful and was very dismissive of me needing help, even in the special care baby unit. One of them was surprised when my sister told them it was my 25th birthday (the day after my son was born we were hanging out by his incubator, as he was born the day before my birthday), and she apologised to me. She said she thought I was 18, and essentially another dumb teenage pregnancy (yes, these caregivers and medical professionals thought it fit to 'punish' me for a 'lifestyle choice'). I was too traumatised by everything that had happened with the pregnancy, the emergency induction and the reality that I was now a parent with no clue what I was doing, that I didn't have the energy to call them out on it all. But in hindsight, I wish I did, as they made me feel really sh*tty. I think people can sometimes be generally disrespectful towards young people and rather condescending for no real reason.

It seems like the beard is to go to weapon for young men against age discrimination @weenancyinAmerica. I think I tried to look older through clothes and make up, but I just probably looked like I was trying too hard 😂. It's good that your parents had such a long life together. I've never found my person, so I've been single most of my life. I think I'd be annoying to be in a relationship with, as my default is to just do my own thing. I'm considerate of others, but I don't think I'd enjoy sharing a space with someone. The thought of it makes me growly 😬.

And yeah, the set back because of the job centre wasn't a fun experience @Cherryfudge. But it has helped me to realise what I want to do budget wise and how self sufficient I need to be. And focussing on rebuilding my sinking funds has helped. It's made me realise what is important to me, and where my financial focus needs to be. Clearing out my sinking funds to get a working phone may or may not have been the smartest decision, but I'm glad it didn't involve going back into debt. I'm still trying to figure out the car situation, so that is a debt free changeover as well. 

My new budget allows for £10 a week into each sinking fund so they will steadily rebuild. And I'll have the Bag It and Bank It money to give them a boost once I've been to the bank next week. My new budget also gives me £20 a week guilt free spending money, as I'm trying to get out and about more. And I'd like to save some of my weekly money to go towards something big like the hairdressers and to see my friends outside of London and get the train.

weenancyinAmerica

Sounds like the spending money is the way to go. Sending hugs that you get to do what you would like to do with it. 

Keedie

Thanks @weenancyinAmerica. I'm meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow (well today as it's after midnight) at a Chinese buffet and a catch up. We've not seen one another in over two years. So the spending money will definitely come in handy and give me a better balance. As I'll be able to focus on myself a bit more instead of always focussing on my son and bills. 

Sarahwithlove

Hope you enjoyed your Chinese with your friend 

Keedie

Oh I didn't like the food @Sarahwithlove as it was too stodgy, but the company was great! 

Keedie

I need some advice please. 

I had to clear out my sinking funds to get my new phone. So I'm basically starting from scratch with everything. I'm finding the Monzo penny challenge a bit irritating as I have to keep on top of how much is needed for each month and to set the money aside. It's becoming unnecessarily stressful. So I'm considering ending the challenge and putting the money into my 50 Envelope Challenge (which when complete will go towards 2026/27 bills and sinking funds). I have £100.11 in the penny challenge, £4.29 scheduled to automatically transfer into the penny challenge by 31 May 2025 and £147.46 that I have accumulated for upcoming months.  So it's a total of £251.86 altogether. 

The penny challenge saves £667.95 and is due for completion in early January 2026, but it seems too long to wait and I'm finding it restrictive. If I put £250 into the 50 envelope challenge, I'll be at £525/£1,275. But what do you think? Would it work? It'd give me one less savings goal, and make another one more realistic. But it also means that I've yet again failed the penny challenge 🫣.

With regards to the sinking funds, I am going to cash in my Bag It & Bank It challenge, and there's about £400 worth of coins there. So that will be split amongst my 4 sinking funds; KeeMari (me, my son & our home), The Gift (Christmas, birthdays and Eid and occasions), Cruise Control (MOT & service, car maintenance, insurance, tax etc), Globetrotter (for UK trips and travelling abroad). Most of it will go into the Cruise Control and Globetrotter as they are larger goal amounts, and need more of a boost.

If I end both the penny challenge and the Bag It & Bank It, then I'll have two savings goals, the 50 Envelope Challenge and the emergency fund. And I'll be able to concentrate on the sinking funds for day to day living. But I don't know if putting everything into one challenge or savings pot is for the best or not?

Cherryfudge

I would really struggle with the penny challenge but perhaps that's just me? It sounds easy because a penny is small, but it gets harder as time goes along.

Looked at from the other end, savings are just savings and whichever pot they are sent to, at the end of the day they are money that can be allocated as you please. So I'd say if it's bothering you and doesn't fit with your current situation, let it go. That's not a failure, it's a reassessment because your situation has changed.  

Pollie

I wouldn't know which would be best but I would like to say two things:

1. You wouldn't 'fail' the penny challenge. Sadly the word challenge makes it seem like a given when it is actually only a way of saving pennies.

2.  Anything which cuts down on the amount of thought you have to give something, can only be good for your stress levels and hopefully help avoid any big slumps.

You do so remarkably well with everything despite all the health issues you face.  Let things bubble along and try not to overthink everything. You are amazing.