The Mental Debt Struggle...

beanielou

Blimey, your DS is lucky.   My DS dident get all that at his age.  Time to look at it I think.  He should be paying at least part of the subs.

beanielou

Having googles Crunchieroll it seems to be £4.99. He could pay that? 

Keedie

Yeah I think you're right @beanielou. He is very lucky. I think I've just been so used to doing everything and paying for everything with no help from his dad, that it's not fully occurred to me that my son is getting older and can help out. As the current way that I've been doing it is not really helping me or him in the long run. The Crunchyroll comes off my card, as it's linked to my Amazon Prime subscription, so I'd have to take the £5 off before I give him the allowance. 

Since I read and responded to Baileys_Babe I realised that I could make him pay half of the Playstation Plus and EA Access so I sat and worked it out. It's £96 a year for the two, and so his half would be £48 which works out to be £4 a month. Added to the Crunchyroll it comes up to £9 a month, so he would get £91/£100 a month, and I can use that £9 to start saving for a year of my Kindle Unlimited as that's £9.49 a month.

I really do love this forum, as I learn so much from other people doing things differently. And it gives me a chance to reflect on how I do things. Thanks to you both for your feedback. It really does help me, as I'd finalised everything based on current behaviours, and honestly hadn't thought to assess how I do things. It is a lot of pressure on me to do everything, but I feel so guilty that he's got to put up with my ailments and mental health, that I find myself spoiling him and trying to make everything easy for him. Definitely time for some reflection as he's 18 in 3 months time...

beanielou

TBF it's what we do.  I know I overcompensated to my DS because I was disabled & I felt I needed to make it up to him.  Anyway, it's good for them to learn to budget.  

Baileys_Babe

Thanks @Keedie for taking my comments in the manner they were meant and thanks @beanielou for reassuring me that we aren't the meanest parents on the planet, and like you both we also go easy on our children to compensate for our health problems.

Keedie I am in awe that this evening you read mine and beanielou's comments and came up with a plan of action that gives your son the subscriptions he wants, but also gives you something. 

beanielou

Baileys_Babe said:

Thanks @Keedie for taking my comments in the manner they were meant and thanks @beanielou for reassuring me that we aren't the meanest parents on the planet, and like you both we also go easy on our children to compensate for our health problems.

Keedie I am in awe that this evening you read mine and beanielou's comments and came up with a plan of action that gives your son the subscriptions he wants, but also gives you something. 

Hear hear. Beautifully put Ba@Baileys_Babe

badmemory

I think we get so used to supporting them that we just carry on until something gives us a nudge.  With me it was the realisation that the job he was about to start was paid more than me.

FacelessNumber

It's really interesting to read how you all manage kids money. My two are very young still (3 and 0) so at the moment I put £20 a month into an investment account along with any other money they get given. My mum gives them £20 a month each too.

As they get older I want them to understand the value of money and I like reading what other people do to give me ideas!

@Keedie I think it's amazing how easily you reflect on things and change what you're doing accordingly, so many people are not good at taking others comments on board!

Keedie

I definitely listen to other people's feedback and reflect on what they have to say, as none of us knows everything. As every day is a school day and parenting, like finance, is something that you are constantly having to learn and adapt to.

I know your feedback was supportive @Baileys_Babe and @beanielou, and so that makes it easier to actually take on board what is being said. I can easily get defensive or offended, but I didn't take it that way, and in writing out my responses and thinking of why and how I do things, it helped me to look at things differently, so thank you. I'll still keep that budget line at £200 for his stuff, but know that £9 goes towards his subscriptions. As I won't be changing the bills section, which already includes money to cover the subscriptions, I'll be able to use that money towards the Kindle Unlimited. I'll explain it all to him later, about the change in his allowance. I actually feel excited that I can save up for my Kindle  subscription as that is the one thing that I do for myself. I read about 3-4 books a week sometimes. 

It's funny, because when my son was in primary school, I was very strict with his spending money and he did his chores and we used apps and charts to track things and he thrived on it. Then I got sick following that infection from that operation when he was 7, and I became quite dependent on him growing up quicker and helping me more. Then I saw the strain on him, and I had a lot of disabled single parental guilt, and I ended up going the opposite way and trying to overcompensate for my health and his barely present father. 

And then it became a habit of sorts to want to make things all tidy and easy for him, as he was starting to struggle with his mental health and I blamed myself for that. But he's a good kid, and he won't have a problem contributing towards his subscriptions and he's doing more around the house. I think I need to also learn to not jump in and always try to fix things. It does him a disservice, and puts too much pressure on me to maintain everything. 

It's amazing what we overcompensate for isn't it? And how sometimes we can actually make a rod for our own backs without realising it. I can imagine that was quite the wake up call @badmemory when your son was earning more than you. It's good that your kids have savings @FacelessNumber, and I'm sure being on this forum will help you navigate things as they get older and are learning to budget. 

My biggest thinking is learning to say 'no', when I am asked to do something that I don't really want to do, and for holding boundaries with my son asking for an advance on his allowance etc. I've got better at it in recent months, but I hate confrontation, and I hate letting him down as I always feel guilty, but he's not going to learn how to go without or make smarter decisions, if I am always rescuing him. So definitely lots to think about. 

Keedie

THE SUNDAY SUMMARY

(Week 27 ~ 7 July 2024)

Debt Regrets

Goal 1 - 100% repayment to Bank of Mum 3 (school fees) - due 1 April 2024
Progress Checker = £3,800/£3,800 (100% repaid)
🎉 Achievement Date = 24 March 2024 🎉

Goal 2 - Clear Barclaycard Plan 1 (£6,508.43) - due by 31 December 2024 
Progress checker = £1,228.43/£6,508.43 (18.87% repaid)
I paid the fixed direct debit of £250 on 7 July 2024, as it didn't come out on 29 June 2024 as that was a Saturday, so this has come down. My minimum payment goes from 3% to 1% on 22 July 2024, so by keeping the £250 fixed direct debit, I'll be paying a larger chunk than the minimum payment. By November 2024 or December 2024, I will need to do a money transfer to completely clear this Barclaycard Plan. And then the next one will be due around November 2025. 

Goal 3 - Pay £5,000 off my overall debt balance in 2024 - due by 31 December 2024

Progress Checker = £2,580/£5,000 (55.60% repaid)
I have reduced the goal from £6,750 to £5,000, as this is more manageable, and would be based on my own overpayments and normal direct debit, rather than linking it to clearing the Barclaycard plan like I originally had. Especially, as clearing that plan requires a money transfer, which is essentially a debt increase by the time you take into account the handling fee. But if feels nice to know that just through normal direct debits, with a lower and more realistic goal, I am over 50% of the way there.

Saving Grace

Goal 1 - Save £500 for my son's 18th birthday - due by 30 September 2024
Progress Checker = £402.84/£500 (80.57% saved)
The Chase round ups pot had £245.41 in there, and so when that combined with what I had, plus the £50 I paid in there on Monday for the month, the balance is now £402.84 and that's made me very excited! I'm so close to seeing the end of this goal and I'll be really happy to get there. So it should be all saved for by early September 2024.

Goal 2 - Save £1,000 emergency fund - due by 31 October 2024
Progress Checker = £21.01/£500 (4.20% saved)
I have cleaned out this emergency fund in its entirety and had to start again from scratch. So it's a long road and I've decided to be kind to myself and halve the goal, so it's now £500 instead of £1,000. As that is more doable, as there'll be £100 in there by end of July and as it'll be set to £50 a month thereafter, I'll have £350 saved by December 2024, and so I'll have just £150 to find extra over the coming months, which should be achievable.

Goal 3 - Build a Buffer of £500 (homemade overdraft) - due by 28 February 2025 ⛔️ ON HOLD ⛔️
Progress Checker = £0/£500 (0% saved)
I'm thinking of removing this goal altogether and rolling it over to 2025's goals, but I'll have a think on that.

Goal 4 - Complete 50 Envelope Challenge (£1,275) - due by 31 December 2025 🚫 RETIRED 🚫
Progress Checker = 0/50 Envelopes ~ £0/£1,275 (0% saved)
I've no hope of doing this challenge, and so I've decided to just let it go and will pick it up next year. So from next week onward, I'll have 3 savings goals (depending on what I do with the buffer) and that will help me to have less to think about and have the possibility of achieving my goals.