The Mental Debt Struggle...

badmemory

How great to be so close to closing the bank of Mum.  You proved her right to loan the money & what more can any mother want from her child.

KajiKita

Hi Keedie,

I have read this diary from start to now (not sure if you and another one before?) and just wanted to say hello 👋 and well done. You are a real nanakorobi yaoki person (fall down 7 times, get up 8) - also Japanese, which I thought would sit well with the Kintsugi concept that resonates with you. 

I remember going back to work after 3 months off due to surgery - even with a phased return it was a shock to my system! I found the first week quite overwhelming, but gradually my stamina built up and I got back into it. I’m sorry that work were so incredibly resistant to acknowledging what the real causes of your sickness absence were and kudos to you for battling on to make your points clearly and professionally. In a way I see it as a good thing that you are already bored - I think that you had looooong outgrown your actual role and that’s why you instinctively reached out for and did more than your actual role scope. Work then exploited that …. 🙄  However, looking at what it was that you were reaching towards for stimulation and challenge then, might give you some ideas on the aspects or types of activity you enjoy and have inherent skills for, as you gradually pivot away from HR and towards a part time role of the type you want alongside living creatively. Thinking this way will also help you with the prep for applications, interviews etc. by allowing you to assess objectively where and what your skills are. I always find it easier to ‘sell myself’ in the application and interview process if I could imagine others that I have worked with, who I trust and respect, endorsing me in the same way as I am describing myself 😉😊

Your son is becoming a treasure 🤩 The comment about him turning on your electric blanket so you had a warm bed to come back to after an evening out, really touched me 😊 ❤️ The two of you make an amazing team 😊

FWIW, I 100% agree in building up a good, solid EF over clearing debts in the short term. It means you can ride the bumps of unexpected things coming along with less stress and more control. I have cleared my debts, apart from a gargantuan mortgage(!), and even so, am focusing on building up savings for EF and some house DIY we want to do, before really pushing for over paying the mortgage. 

I will read along in real time now and cheer you on with everyone else if that’s okay 😊

KK

Keedie

The people on this forum are so kind and amazing. I absolutely love it and it means so so much to me, so thank you all for your ongoing encouragement and support. I feel like I've found my little corner of the internet with like-minded people and it's grown my financial confidence so much.  So thank you.

I'm so happy to be right at the end of my repayment with my mum @AntoMac and @badmemory, I can't really explain it. I felt like sh*t borrowing money from my mum in my 40s and she's a pensioner, and it highlighted how much of a mess that I'd gotten my finances into, that I couldn't take of the situation myself. But now, I feel very proud and accomplished 🤗. It was a real sting to my pride to accept the help, and I think you're right AntoMac, asking for help is difficult and accepting the help for me, is often nigh on impossible. I'm always quick to help others, but have issues with accepting help myself. I don't think it makes me weak or anything. But more vulnerable to getting letting down and hurt. Something I clearly need to work on though.

As for premium bonds, I keep meaning to look into all these things. I need to have a think about how I can actually maintain financial freedom once the debt is gone. If I don't have better habits, and proper savings, then I'll be at risk of constantly struggling, but getting older with less scope for earnings, so I do need to set myself up properly, and be in a position to help my son when he is older if he needs financial back up like I did when my mum stepped in to help me.

My homemade overdraft @Cherryfudge will sit in an instant savings pot that will accrue a little interest and will only be used if necessary. And would have to be repaid by the next month so that the buffer remains there. I'm figuring it'll be a way to add a barrier between myself and going into debt due to life happening or poor planning. So the first back up is the buffer, then the emergency fund. When all the debt is gone in 2025, I want to start saving for 3-6 months expenses from 2026 onward. 

Thanks for such a lovely message @KajiKita, and I barely remember most of my diary so I hope you weren't too bored! It takes dedication to read it from the beginning, so I'm honoured that you took the time to do so. And yes, you're more than welcome to be a cheerleader 🤣🤣🤣. I'm still fascinated that anyone wants to read the things that comes out of my chaotic mind. I like the sound of the nanakorobi yaoki concept, so I'll look into that too. I've seen my mum's resilience and my dad's unrelenting fight to keep going when he was alive, and I think they've definitely rubbed off on me. All of my siblings and I just keep going even when it's hard. We don't know any other way. We had a great childhood, but at times, life was hard, and we always clubbed together to come out on the other side. I remember when we used to have family meetings, all 7 of us (although my autistic sister was usually pottering around and barely sat at the table the whole time), and if someone had a problem, grievance or an idea, we just put it on the agenda and then we'd discuss it. I guess that taught me problem solving skills and to be able to look at things from different viewpoints.

Going back to work has definitely made me realise how much the role doesn't fit me, and in all honesty, it never did. I'd deliberately applied for an entry level job as I didn't want stress that I had when I was a manager. But it was a new service and so there was lots of opportunities to make it interesting. But over time, you're right KajiKita, my workplace exploited that. I've been thinking of all the bits of work that I don't mind generically, so that I can find something that interests me. I think I'd like to go back to working for charities again. I like knowing that I'm working somewhere that has a positive impact on people's lives. And I didn't mind investigating pay queries and doing pay or annual leave calculations, I just hated the fact that I was the only person dealing with the pay queries and all of the complex leave queries were left for me to do. So I think finance admin in a charity or something would be a good way to go. But giving myself the permission to take my time and work it out, whilst not burning myself out at my current job, is still a balance that I am learning, but it has the tendrils of cautious optimism circling in the air, and so for that, I am grateful.

My son is my heartbeat, and he said I'm his world. He was always a lovely boy, but those early to mid teenaged years were tough! He's a lot better at choosing his friends and knowing his own boundaries and having more self confidence, and that makes it easier for us to bond closely again. We do make a good team. We always have. I think it's because it's only ever been the two of us. And he does make me laugh a lot with his perspective on life. But he's also a teenager and really does my head in at times 🤬🤣.

Cherryfudge

Yours sounds like such a good family to grow up in, @Keedie. Your parents have given you a really good foundation in life.

It's very interesting to see how your perspective on your workplace has developed, and it's good you can see it as something temporary that no longer has power over you. I'm sure that there will be posts you can fill in the future that will benefit from your skills without crushing you in the process, and where you can enjoy the work and find it interesting.

Keedie

I've decided to bring back my weekly check-ins to help me with my debt and savings goals and to stay accountable and motivated to get them done. I've also created another tab on my Debt Buster spreadsheet, so that I can track where I am on a weekly basis in relation to my goals.

THE SUNDAY SUMMARY

(Week 9 ~ 3 March 2024)

Debt Regrets

Goal 1 - 100% repayment to Bank of Mum 3 (school fees) - due 1 April 2024
Progress Checker = £3,600/£3,800 (94.74% repaid)
With only £200 remaining to complete this goal, I'm on doing (metaphorical) cartwheels - yippee!

Goal 2 - Clear Barclaycard Plan 1 (£6,330) - due by 31 December 2024
Progress checker = £-178.43/£6,330 (0% repaid)
As I mentioned in my monthly summary, the £6,330 goal commences from 1 April 2024, as the balance for Plan 1 at present is £6,508.43, so £178.43 needs to be paid to reach the starting balance of this goal. The other 0% balance plan has £121.57 remaining. Once March 2024's direct debit of £300 is paid, we'll be at the starting line of Goal 2. My direct debit won't enable me to reach the target by December 2024, but by consistently paying the debt down, I'll be in a position to get a money transfer to help me clear the rest of Plan 1 before the interest kicks in on 1 February 2025.

Goal 3 - Pay £6,750 off my overall debt balance in 2024 - due by 31 December 2024

Progress Checker = £1,180/£6,750 (17.48% repaid)

This is different from Goal 2, as it is any debt payment I have made since 1 January 2024 and so it includes payments to my mum, Argos Card and Barclaycard.

Saving Grace

Goal 1 - Save £750 for my son's 18th birthday - due by 30 September 2024
Progress Checker = £100/£750 (13.34% saved)
Currently paying £50 a month into this birthday pot. From May 2024, I will no longer be paying £200 to the Bank of Mum, and so £100 of that will go towards the emergency fund every month, £50 will boost this birthday pot and the other £50 will be absorbed back into the budget. Any completed savings challenges will help to boost this as well.

Goal 2 - Build a Buffer of £500 (homemade overdraft) - due by 31 October 2024
Progress Checker = £50/£500 (10% saved)
I will pay a minimum of £5 a week into this buffer from April 2024 and any left over money from the week's budget will top this up until I reach my target. If I can complete Goal 1 ahead of schedule, then I can top this one up quicker to get it completed early too.

Goal 3 - Save £2,000 emergency fund - due by 31 December 2024
Progress Checker = £200.32/£2,000 (10.02% saved)
Currently, I pay £100 a month into the emergency fund, and from May 2024, this will increase to £200 a month once the Bank of Mum has been fully repaid. I am due the round up pot on my Chase account in June 2024 and currently it has £124.63 in there which will be a nice boost to the emergency fund once the year period has passed. I won't be snowballing anything into this goal as between the standing order of £200 and the round up pot, I'll reach the goal by December (providing nothing major happens). So once Goal 1 and Goal 2 are completed, I will focus on Goal 4 and this one will plod along. This also ensures that I continue to build the savings habit irrespective of whatever else is happening finance goals wise.

Goal 4 - Complete 50 Envelope Challenge (£1,275) - due by 31 December 2024
Progress Checker = 5/50 Envelopes ~ £150/£1,275 (11.76% saved)
This challenge once completed will help me to establish my sinking funds for 2025, such as birthdays, Christmas, travel etc. As I save this in increments of £50 it is easier for me to manage, and each £50 is worth two envelopes with the next envelopes being 3 and 47. I've got £5/£50 towards the next envelope milestone. I'm trying to keep under budget and steadily reduce my variable expenses over a course of several months so that I have more disposable income to play with. I will then be able to complete my savings challenges that I have made, using the larger budget, and I will split the amount saved between whatever current savings goal I am working on and this one. 

I feel better with a plan in place. And although they are still stretch goals, having them laid out with an idea of how I will achieve them, and knowing that I can cross them off at some point in the near future is really motivating me. I also feel less overwhelmed by it all, so that's definitely something 🤗.

Keedie

Cherryfudge said:

Yours sounds like such a good family to grow up in, @Keedie. Your parents have given you a really good foundation in life.

It's very interesting to see how your perspective on your workplace has developed, and it's good you can see it as something temporary that no longer has power over you. I'm sure that there will be posts you can fill in the future that will benefit from your skills without crushing you in the process, and where you can enjoy the work and find it interesting.

I was very fortunate with the upbringing I had. We were never rich, but with compromise and sacrifice we were able to have a good life, and we always had each other.

I've realised how much I've changed in the last year and the last few months, and seeing work as thing I happen to engage with, that doesn't define or have power over me, is making me realise how lucky I am. I actually feel free to explore the changes that I want in life and I no longer feel like i'm pressuring or rushing myself for a massive reset. I think oftentimes, it is the small incremental changes that ultimately have the larger impact. So I am harnessing my new life through little changes and being kinder to myself, rather than trying to suddenly divorce myself from who and what I am, with no clear sense of direction as to what I want my life to be or how to get there. I'm very grateful for the opportunity to have had this growth and to be able to keep working on it.

Cherryfudge

I find knowing what I really want is challenging: so much is defined by social norms and those can be insidious. While the enforced step back and reappraisal is traumatic to begin with, I feel as you do: it's an opportunity to see what really matters to us and have a second chance at the things we would have done had we followed our dreams.

So I raise my coffee cup to you and wish you well! And given all you've achieved so far, it's a case of keeping on reading for the next exciting episode.  

beanielou

Can I just say that £750 for your son’s 18th birthday does seem quite a lot 🤔

Keedie

Yes I think when we allow ourselves to step outside of societal norms and give ourselves the permission to think about what we actually want to do and we want to be, there's a scary liberation in that. But it can be so freeing @Cherryfudge! I change my mind all the time though, so I know my plans will change a bit, but I'm slowly working out what it is that I want from life and how I can live out my dreams whilst still adhering to the inevitable adulting responsibilities. 

Oh don't worry @beanielou, £750 is most definitely not his present. It's for all birthday related expenses and his present.  I'll have to do the costings for everything, but the £750 has to cover:

• I usually give him £100 on his birthday, but as it's his 18th I want to give him £180 (£10 for each year).
  
• money for him to go out with his friends on his birthday weekend
• birthday breakfast or dinner for just the two of us as our birthdays are a day apart and we either go out for a pub or cafe breakfast depending on our schedules or day of the week or a birthday dinner
• his birthday cake and any decorations
• birthday outfit like a tracksuit or trainers (last year his actual present was a tracksuit and I gave him the remainder of the money, but I saw how much he loved having a brand new tracksuit from Uniqlo on his actual birthday, so this year I'd like to spoil him and get him a tracksuit or trainers plus the birthday money). 
• It'll also cover a small family birthday party at my flat the following weekend, so that includes drinks, food, sweets, paper plates, cups etc.

As I've only got one child that will turn 18, I figured I might as well go all out and create some nice memories, but it all has to be budgeted for or it can't happen. I'm aiming for £700 all in so that I can do something nice for my birthday as well. Usually I forget about me as they're a day apart, but last year I celebrated my birthday at a bottomless brunch with my sisters and that was nice, so I'd like to do something like that again.

Keedie

I had my eye test today at Specsavers and did all the pressure test stuff with the air puffs and the pictures of the eye. Well worth an additional £10! I get free eye tests as I'm now over 40 and my dad had glaucoma, so I have to do them yearly. Well that kind of stung me a bit today 😬.

My left eye has deteriorated since last year. Which I was aware of as it's blurry sometimes and difficult to focus, especially if I'm not wearing my glasses. Anyways, the optician was going through last year's pictures and talking me through a comparison and he pointed out the beginnings of glaucoma in my left eye. Like I don't have enough problems as it is 😤. Luckily I passed my field vision test with the bright dots checking the peripheral vision, so it's not bad enough to be referred to the eye hospital at this stage. But I've gotta go back if I get a sudden onset of symptoms like headaches, very blurry vision, nausea, tender eyes etc. But he said, the pressure in my eyes also indicates that I might have high blood pressure. It's always been low enough, but I'll have to remember to make an appointment with the doctor to check it out anyways.

All of that aside, the bit that truly burnt me was the cost of the glasses! £240 for varifocals 😳😳😳. Like, WHAT?! It was £89 for the frames and £180 for the varifocal thingy so £269 in total. The lady showing me the glasses was rather pushy, and she was all smiling at me telling me not to worry, I'd get a £39 discount to make it 'only' £240! Yeah, I wasn't about to buy glasses at the snap of her fingers. So I told her I'd come back with a family member who could give me their honest opinion on frames. She was trying to show me some really garish looking monstrosities that didn't float my boat whatsoever. I like plain frames as I can't pull off these fancy coloured and bold patterned ones. I'm just not that interesting of a person 😂.

But sadly, I know that I probably do need them, as I can't handle two pairs of glasses, as I can never find the reading ones and changing glasses never really happens, so I've been mainly wearing the distance ones. Which is nonsensical as it's not helping me screen wise or for reading. Probably didn't exactly score me any points in the eyesight degeneration 😬. But I'd bent the reading glasses by accident and so they're lopsided and I've not worn them for months 🥴. I really haven't helped myself have I?

So yeah, I shouldn't have spent the money I'd set aside in my medical sinking fund 😬. It was £50, but it would come in handy right about now... Or I try again with two glasses and be extra disciplined with trying to keep track of them. I'm not confident of that though 🤦🏾‍♀️.

Buying these glasses would wipe out my emergency fund. So I'll have to sit and have a think about what I can cut back from where, as I don't want to be left with nothing. But I'm gonna have to pause all of my highly ambitious savings goals for this year and recalibrate my finances. I also need to reinstate the medical sinking fund, as with these yearly checks and deteriorating eyesight and not being entitled to help with the cost of glasses, I may well find myself in the same position next year with needing new glasses. Oh the joys of adulting and decision making 🤦🏾‍♀️😂.