The Mental Debt Struggle...

Keedie

A pen pal sounds like a great idea @Squirrelz92! I've just googled pen pals and I can see that there is a few online ones (I don't trust myself to post letters as I can't keep on top of post). I've found two, that have online options, https://www.globalpenfriends.com/ and https://www.penpalworld.com/, and the first one has a snail mail option for actual post. I'm sorry that your old penal ghosted you, that is very hurtful and even though your friendship was via correspondence, it's still a true friendship. I met a guy through an online game and he was fascinated with the fact that I live in London and he's in upstate New York, and we've been whatsapp messaging sporadically over the years, so it would be nice to have more virtual friends so I'll definitely sign up for a pen pal.

I really don't know how you raised two kids on your own whilst working and studying without a support network, I really admire that. It's nice that you have your partner now to share things with. My last relationship ended about 7 years ago, and I've not missed being in a relationship as he wasn't right for me and it was a bit awkward as his son and my son were like chalk and cheese and didn't get on at all!

I was talking to my brother today and he told me that I should get out of London and just have some time to myself or go and see someone. So I've invited myself to my friend's house in Kent at the end of July, and I'm looking forward to it. And he convinced me to accept another friend's offer to go away in early September for a weekender. It's her boyfriend's birthday and they're going away as a large group and renting a country house in Bristol and have a comedian and DJ coming down. It'll be £180 including accommodation, food and drink for the entire weekend. She said that I can pay her over 6 months and I initially said no, as I have to save for my son's private exam fees, but then I just thought, I need to have something that is my own. Although I'm going to Blackpool in 2 week's time, I'll have two stroppy teenagers with me as I'm taking my nephew with us, so I'm not having an actual break.

It really is so hard being a parent isn't it @IndiJonesi? I've been told by my delightful offspring that I'm "not good at it", that he "hates" me and he can't wait until he's 16 and move out! I asked him where he seemed to think he could be moving to and how exactly he's going to survive and he must have really thought about that it, as he's stopped threatening that one. I'm sorry that you had troubles with your daughter, but I'm glad that she was able to get her GCSEs and then do a vocational course. You're right in that they will get to where they're going in the end, but the journey isn't easy when they're misbehaving and you're already feeling like you're "not good at it", without anyone else, especially them, telling you that as well.

I think no matter what we do as parents, we're always going to be the enemy when things are not going right in their life, or if it is hard for whatever reason. But I think some of the resentment stems from fear of abandonment. My friend's son stopped talking to her because she remarried and had another baby. Turns out that he thought she didn't want him anymore, although I couldn't see where he got that impression from. He'd acted out, I think as a way to push her away first before she did it to him?

My son wasn't too happy when he realised that he's at my mum's for 2 nights, but I'm just looking the other way at the moment as I really need this break. Hopefully he'll get over it and make the most of his time there...

AntoMac

A pen pal really is good idea isn’t it Keedie? There are also various meet up groups out there that might be worth a try. Good luck with exploring the pen pal option.
I think teenagers push boundaries the most against those that they know love them most. I’ve seen so many examples of teens speaking to their parents appallingly and making them feel horrible. Bear in mind it is also often not much fun being a teenager. I get on much better with my own teenager now. She says things now just for banter, to make me laugh. 

Keep doing your best. There are always better days ahead.

Keedie

Thanks @AntoMac, I'll definitely look into some groups as well. I think I need to do a hobby or something too. I'd like to do some cooking classes, maybe see if there's some family ones that we can do together. I just realised that it's the first Friday of the month this week, and so it's the central London support group's meeting with Bipolar UK. I always aim to go, but chicken out as I don't know anyone, but I'm going to try and be brave and turn up this week.

He does treat me worse than anyone else, so it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in that respect. I know he loves me, but he doesn't seem too keen on me as a person, and has been constantly testing me and pushing boundaries and my buttons, especially since his life has imploded. Sometimes I feel like he's deliberately trying to sabotage himself and part of that punishment is for there to be discord between us. Everyone gets a better version of him which I must admit is hurtful. He ate the dinner my mum made with no complaints and scraped his plate without having to be asked. Yet with me, everything is just one big battle!

Sigh.

But on a more positive note, things went really well with my new carer. She seems really nice and is a breath of fresh air compared to the other one who was dominating me and being so difficult about changes that I needed to my care plan. So hopefully things will work out with this one. She's coming back on Thursday, so hopefully she'll want to keep returning as I don't like a lot of change or people coming to my house, but my spirit did take to her, so that's a good thing.

Things with the homeschooling is getting marginally better. He's logging on without having to be told too much and I'm hoping that after playing catch up in the summer holidays he'll be focussed for Year 11. His History GCSE at his old school has no cross over topics aside from Nazi Germany which they started after this half term but he wasn't around to do any of it. So he has to catch up with everything from this academic year. He's also got to change a lot of literature texts for English and do more in depth work for Biology, as he was doing combined science before and now it's just biology. He seems to like Business a lot, but there doesn't seem to be much crossover there either. I'll be emailing his teachers this week with a summary of what he did in his old school, so that they can advise what he should focus on over the summer to catch up. As without a proper plan in place, I don't fancy my chances in getting him to just be motivated to study in the summer... 🙈.

I spoke to the school admission team about renewing the contract for Year 11 and switching from an annual lump sum payment to an annual plan with monthly instalments. As he joined at the end of the academic year, it was just the one payment, not cheap for 3 weeks, but as it has all of the information he needs with recorded lessons etc, it's been worth it. That's what I just keep telling myself when he's whinging about it all.

The finance people said that the £500 deposit for the monthly arrangement can be paid now (which I don't have) and then from September 2022 to August 2023 it's £403.17 a month by direct debit or monthly invoice. I'd prefer a direct debit so that I can plan my finances, and I need to see if it can be paid at the end of the month to give me enough time to get it all together. Especially as the hours that I do with my main client will be paying for his tuition fees, and I need to allow for late payment. But I'll ask about the invoice option to see how long I'll have for payment as that may work out to be less headache/stress waiting for the payment to clear in my business account.

I have to wait until the 1 July to invoice for the month of June with my main freelance client, and they have 14 days to pay, so until that comes through I can't pay the deposit. Just like I won't be able to make any monthly payments in the first half of th month. So I need to let the finance department at the school know that I can't pay the deposit just yet. Hopefully it isn't going to cause any problems... 🤦🏾‍♀️.

LittleMissDetermined

Hopefully the finance department will understand and you can agree on a suitable date for both the deposit and the monthly payments. Keep at it Keedie, you're doing so well for your son and there are so many kids who don't get the opportunity if they were in the same situation. 

I'm glad you and your brother can support each other as you're in similar situations with teen attitude Sometimes it's half the battle knowing you're not the only one dealing with this. 

I hope you do feel brave enough to go to the meeting
LMD x

Squirrelz92

Gosh, that's so much to pay isnt it? Thankfully it will secure your son's future which is priceless. I really hope that the finance department understand your predicament regarding where the extra money comes from to pay the tuition and can work with you on it. 

So pleased you prefer your new carer to the old one! Makes all the difference to your day!

Not sure if you are on FB but I believe there are a few groups for pen-pals on there too. I used to use 'students of the world' but not sure I would find an age appropriate pen-pal for me there now! 

Keedie

LittleMissDetermined said:

Keep at it Keedie, you're doing so well for your son and there are so many kids who don't get the opportunity if they were in the same situation. 

Thanks LMD, I think he's starting to get it. Very very slowly, I think he's starting to have the beginnings of a lightbulb moment. My mum spoke to him today about how lucky he is and that when he's older and successful, he'll look back and see all the opportunities he's been given and that he needs to make the most of it. I left the office today around 8.30pm as I was going through each subject he's studying and the course modules and weekly topic breakdown and making comparisons with what he studied in his old school. It was a lot easier to do it there as I have two screens at work plus my laptop. 

I've not heard back from the Finance department as yet, but my mum is lending me the deposit and I'll give it straight back to her when my invoice has been paid from my main client. They usually pay within a few days or a week at the most. So that has taken some of the pressure off me, and I just need to sort out the direct debit, but I won't put that in place until I can be guaranteed that I can meet the payment date.

It is a LOT of money, and it keeps me awake at night, but I'm hoping that as I will be paid from my July work in early to mid-August, if I make sure that I have September's fees already accounted for by the end of August, if there's not much flexibility with the direct debit date, I can always pay it as an invoice, and I'll have the funds to pay it. So I've added a Tuition Fund tracker to my signature to keep me motivated to accumulate the money and although it's not a debt as it's a bill, I'll treat it the same way and send PADs to it etc. It's sitting at 5.62% at the moment as there's £22.66 in that account, and I think seeing this number climb as I get paid throughout the month will help me to not feel so overwhelmed.

My manager came back to me about my request to increase my working hours from 17.5 per week to 21 per week and it has been agreed in principle by the Assistant Director of HR, and just needs to sense checked against the budget (as they had already counted my continuation of reduced hours as a saving). If that's all good, then it'll go to the Director of HR for approval, so fingers crossed it jumps nicely through all of these hoops. It'll give me an extra £177 take home pay a month, for 3.5 hours hours of extra work a week. 

I'm going to be brave and go on Friday to the Bipolar UK support group, and I've put the date and details in my calendar for the first Friday of the month up to December 2022. I'm going to have a look on Facebook for groups as well, so thanks for that @Squirrelz92. Would you look for another pen pal on there or in general? It sounds like you might want to consider if it you have the time as it seemed to work well for you before. I'm excited about making some friends, as my life does need a shake up.

I've also found some youth groups that do mentoring for young people with mental health problems and those that have been excluded from school or facing difficulties for whatever reason. So I'm going to call around this week and see what I can get him referred to and what the process is, so that he has another form of support and ways to make new friends and work on his personal development. 

I've got my Support Worker coming in the morning to help me declutter and organise my flat some more, so I'm looking forward to that. It's amazing what you can do in an hour once a week when you have company and support. So I'm hoping that with the new carer and the Support Worker I can get my home environment into a place where it is not stressing me out and I can maintain some sort of routine and order 🙏🏾.

Have a good night everyone xx

LittleMissDetermined

Hi @Keedie, your mum is truly wonderful and at least you have a plan in place now. I think you're doing the right thing by treating the tuition in the same way as your debt, at the end of the day it needs to be paid and if the tracker helps you then keep doing it!  It will hopefully also bring you enough comfort to be able to sleep a little better. 

Looking into youth groups is a great thing to do and hopefully you can get your son into some new activities and make some nice new friends along the way - win/win?  I personally thing that if he sees you being brave and going to your group, and making new friends he will be more likely to try it himself.

Decluttering can be a nightmare and I know many people who have struggled to get it done.  I originally de-cluttered years ago when we put our house on the market and then I never really went back because of TOMM. The less you have, the less there is to clean  

It feels like you're in a more positive place at the moment? I hope so
LMD x

Squirrelz92

How lovely that your Mum has lent you the deposit Bless her soul. Also good to hear that your son may be starting to grasp how lucky he is with everything you are trying to do for him. If only children could grasp just how hard it is to fund everything they need in life, they would be so much more appreciative. Sadly it's only when you become an adult yourself and have bills coming out your ears when you finally understand how hard your parents worked to give you what you had! 

Cracking news on upping your hours for a little extra cash. Here's to hoping the senior management sign it off officially!

Oh I would very much love to have another pen-pal @Keedie. It's been on my list for a good while now. Doesn't help that I haven't been hunting for a suitor properly as life has taken hold of me the last few years but I think things are finally settled enough to commit to a penfriend once again. It's definitely exciting! I love the whole shebang of pretty paper, stickers, the odd small gift etc. 

I wish we had more youth groups around our local area as there isn't a single one Great news for your son though as it sounds as though he may highly benefit from joining one and making fresh connections.

Best of luck with your decluttering with your support worker today! x

Humdinger1

@Keedie mid way through your diary but I agree, you are a fab mum! 'A mother's place is in the wrong'.  I am so full of admiration for the way you are tackling your debt too.  Seizing it and refusing to let it rule you. Marvellous! I have subscribed love Humdinger xx 

LittleMissDetermined

Popping in to send you lots of positivity for your group today - I'm sure you will enjoy it!
LMD x