The Mental Debt Struggle...

Keedie

Today started off so nicely and then it all turned to sh*t.

I was up after 6 and washed my hair and did some freelancing as I'm trying to squeeze in as many hours as I can. I was due to go up to my sister's in East London and I asked our other sister if she wanted to go too. She was working her zero hours job so asked if we could go later at 4pm. Which I reluctantly agreed to as I was still trying to cram in the hours but I worried about traffic. 

To cut a long story short, by the time I picked the boys up from the football cage, got them something to eat, dropped our autistic sister to my mum's and got my slow puncture sorted before I hit the dual carriageway we were running quite late, but it was still doable. My little nephew was hungry so we passed at a McDonald's drive through en route to get him something to eat then we hit gridlock traffic as the route I took from there had a broken down car and traffic was at a standstill.

My sister called complaining about the time, told us that she didn't want us to come anymore! At this point, we'd been travelling for over an hour and a half in traffic, which was at that point starting to get moving again for us to continue the journey. I was upset that she wanted us to turn around when we were coming to see her and she kept moaning at us. When the traffic was clear about 5 minutes later, I called her back and said we'd be 30 minutes and her put upon attitude made me really angry and I just hanged up on her and turned the car around and dropped my sister and her kids off and went home. 

Now I feel really sh*tty about hanging up on her, but at the same time, I can't bring myself to speak to her because the way that she spoke to us, I found it really disrespectful. I felt like I was begging her for her company, and I don't have time for that. We apologised for running late, but she was really rude. Now the kids were disappointed that we didn't get to go and my son's not talking to me. I've got a massive headache and the stress and emotional outburst indicates that I'm heading into a hypomanic episode and I feel too jittery to relax and I can't think straight.🥲

LittleMissDetermined

Hey Keedie, I hope today is better for you! It seems very harsh of your sister to tell you not to come when the traffic is definitely not your fault.  I’m sure she will realise that and hopefully apologise x

Keedie

Hey LMD, I didn't sleep too well, but I'm trying to stay positive. I don't think I handled the situation very well and that has really upset me as I spent most of the night beating myself up about everything.

My sister won't apologise, it's not who she is as a person really. I'll just not make any plans to visit just yet and next time I won't work beforehand, as the time we left was a factor. But I was just so frustrated and there's been plenty of occasions when she's been running really late and I wouldn't dream of telling her to turn around! But everyone is different I guess. At least I know where I stand with her.

I've been trying to give my son a fresh start with his friendship group and a detox from social media and his phone etc, after everything that happened with his old school the exclusion and the issues with his friends turning on him and him alienating some people and giving too much time to those who didn't deserve it. As a typical teenager, he's not taken too kindly to an enforced break from things, but we've been trying to get things in place to change his phone number so that he can't be harassed anymore and he can hopefully make smarter decisions in terms of who he interacts with. But I'm having a nightmare trying to change this as there seems to be some technical glitch on his sim plan and as we both got new handsets in the last couple of months, we entered new contracts and so changing the number requires cancelling the contract and starting with a new sim plan. As the need for changing it is due to him needing a fresh start from harassment etc, Sky Mobile are very kindly waiving any fee for breaking the contract, especially as I'll be taking out a new contract with them in its place.

So now I'm just waiting for a call on Wednesday to see if they've been able to sort out the glitch, and we can then proceed with either keeping his number with a tariff cost discount of 20% or get a whole new contract on a 25% discount. Personally I think he should just change the number and give it to the people that matter to him and then expand from there, but he's not too keen on the idea as he wants a fresh start and to be using his phone properly again but doesn't want the hassle of changing his number on everything. As he's had a lot of upheaval and is adjusting to homeschooling etc, he doesn't want too much change. But I think deep down he knows that he knows that he needs to cut out the toxic people once and for all. His ex-girlfriend is still trying to approach him for money and keeps imessaging him. But as a teenager, his friends mean everything, even if we both know that they're not right for him. I'm torn between just enforcing the changed number so that he can move forward or stepping back and giving him enough rope to hang himself so to speak. Oh the joys of parenting... 🤦🏾‍♀️.

LittleMissDetermined

It’s situations like this when I’m glad we don’t have kids. I can’t really offer any advice, but I hope whatever you do works out x

Squirrelz92

Hi Keedie! Read your diary from start to finish and my goodness you have soo much going on! You are amazing for tackling it all and keeping your head above water! We are all here to support you and I have bookmarked your journey! 

So sorry to hear that your son has gone through what he has. Harrassment especially over technology is the worst kind from experience and it can do so much damage if left unmanaged. With me having two children of my own, if I were in your shoes I would want to be cruel to be kind and completely switch numbers for a clean slate. I know your son may not appreciate or understand fully why you have done it as like you said for the majority of teenagers, friends are everything. Little do they know at that age that once you leave high school and enter the real world, those 'friends' disappear and will soon become not even a second thought. Again, this is my opinion of what I would do but all our situations are different. Either way though, at least you are getting a decent discount of the next contract! xx

Keedie

Thanks LMD, I'm sure it will work out. Sometimes advice is a nice bonus of this forum, other times, it just helps to get it all out  .

@Squirrelz92 thanks for reading and subscribing. It is a lot going on I won't lie! I'm 90% sure I'm going to be cruel to be kind, because he's just too close to everything to see what I can see, even though I do have the benefit of age and therefore wisdom on my side. When we had the exclusion panel pack (all 162 pages of it!), there were statements from his so-called 'friends' that just threw him under the bus and his ex-girlfriend was spreading rumours and then extorted him for £20 with her friend, by threatening to tell her brother who is in a gang (which I didn't know when they were dating), where we live!

It's been so stressful, and he just can't see that these kids are toxic. I've banned him from Snapchat as well. The 10% of me that is unsure, is that I don't know if I can trust him to not contact the wrong people with his new number, as he's really lonely homeschooling and since he's been excluded. In which case, all of that would be for nothing. But I think, I'll just change it and sit with him and explain it yet again, or see if my brother can talk to him as he agrees with me that the number needs to change. If my son is not fully onboard, he'll probably just sneak and ruin it all. I've been trying to sell it as a fresh start, and he wants his phone back properly. I think it's just the fear of the unknown. But he has an iPhone and so the contacts is synced to his iCloud, so before he gets a new sim, he needs to delete her number and a few others, to remove the temptation and they won't be able to reach him (unless someone else gives them his new number). 

We'll see what happens, but I think enforcing it as kindly as I can is really only the right way to do it. I'm literally working 7 days a week to be able to give him a second chance, he needs to step up and do his part really...

AntoMac

Oh dear Keedie poor you. You really are having a tough time of it.
I have had a lot of problems with my own teenager, albeit different problems. All I can say is that things are much better now so keep going. Sometimes when in you’re in the worst of it things can seem a bit unsolveable. Keep doing your best and you will get there. Looks to me like you’re doing the right thing. Not necessarily what will be popular with your son, but more importantly you’re trying to do what is best for him.

Keedie

Thanks @AntoMac, it does help to know that it gets better, and I'm sorry that you've had your fair share of troubles too. Sometimes I feel like my abilities with parenting, is simply an ongoing series/saga of failing a little better than the last time or failing spectacularly...  .

I definitely won't be popular with him, but then again, he's not exactly my biggest fan at the moment anyway so I'm sure it won't make things that much worse. He's really offended that I'm sending him to my mum's for 2 nights, as I'm physically in the office at my employed job tomorrow and I want to come home and have some peace and quiet. But I really do just need a proper break from him, and all the stress. He's very depressed and as selfish as it sounds, I can't deal with it all at the moment. Since everything blew up last month, I've not had any real time to myself, and my mental health is beginning to suffer. And I can't look after him properly when I'm struggling so much myself.

My brother is going to Seattle for 4 nights with his girlfriend and I told him that I'm blatantly jealous, as he's also having trouble with his teenaged son, but he gets to have a break. My son is 5 weeks older than my nephew and they've both been going through a lot of stuff at the same time, and it's been helpful for me and my brother to be able to talk. But I have been feeling incredibly lonely. I'm used to being a single parent, I have been since I found I was pregnant. But the last two years, with my dad dying, covid and the lockdowns, my son's declining mental health and poor choices in friends and worsening behaviour has left me feeling really isolated.

I love my family, and I have a few close friends, but I mostly feel alone. I've always enjoyed 'me time' and my own company, but I'm on the lonely side of being alone and I need to find ways to counteract that. 

Squirrelz92

Bless you @Keedie, I really do feel for you. Can't imagine what it has been like coping alone as a single parent for all this time. Of course having family around helps but it doesn't make the task of raising a child alone any easier. I can relate partially with being alone raising two toddlers without any friends or family for just over 4 years whilst working 20 hours a week and studying at university full time. The effect it has on you mentally is astounding. Incredible really to say we soldier on even though we just want to pack it all in and quit. We all come out the other side! I don't blame you for wanting a break from your lad for a few nights. It's perfectly normal! 

Have you ever thought about pen-palling? I thrived off this when I was by myself without anyone to talk to. I love the excitement of opening a letter containing someone else's life story and being able to share my private thoughts/feelings through pen and paper. I'd love to start this up again as my old penpal disappeared on me gradually after meeting their new partner (such is life I suppose). I was gutted as I felt as though I had lost a true friendship. x

IndiJonesi

Hi @keedie, if it is any consolation, my daughter (who is much older than your son) regularly "hates" me.  She used to self-sabotage - wouldn't go to school, smoked like a chimney, drank like a fish, swore like a trooper, etc.  Even with all that, she picked up her gcse's and then eventually did a vocational qualification.  Her father died when she was young and I met and married someone else and she's been furious about that for years. They all get to where they are going in the end, albeit it is a challenge experiencing such behaviour.  Enjoy your peace and quiet time and your lad will get over his feelings and most probably enjoy being at your Mum's.  Indi x